Viva La Vida

This weeknd I went to see Coldplay in Concert, their first concert in England. I went with Kay Dub. She cried, inwardly appreciating the music; she sat; she clapped her hands close to her body. She told me afterward that she wished she could be more like the crowd.

A while ago, I chose to become more selfless. I wanted to get out of my head, stopped being self-conscious, and connected with art. I stood up, danced, sang along, and cheered. I let go to show that I am fully appreciative of another person’s art.

I was brought up in a family that didn’t say I love you and didn’t give hugs, but I wanted it to be different so I changed it. I started hugging my mother, my grandmother, my dad, everyone, and told them that i love them, miss them, and want to be around them whenever I can (without exhausting the truth of the message).

Though I admire such inward admiration of beauty, I could probably do that in my room listening to my music. (I am not dogging on the way Kay listens, defines, lives in music. I am only stating what it feels to me.) At the concert no one knows who I am, no one knows which song they loved the most and why, all we know is that we are here, sharing an interest in art.

At the concert, I couldn't sit. I trembled, connected, and exploded. I let go of my critique, I immersed and understood what this music meant to me: the summer of love 2008, ecstacy, come downs, long drives, home, and a journey to find my self. Even though I was a part of the crowd in the greater perspective, I had found redemption by getting lost in the blur.

The movement whether it is because of politics, love, death, art, or religion is a change that is greater than my self. It is collective, global and visible in the rallies, elections, or in the gathering for a concert.

I give thanks for growth, change, empowerment, resilience of the human spirit, and most importantly love. I am alive. I am alive. I am a life. Life.

Barcelona: Spiritual Epic Journey

Thursday night I went to Honeyclub with Ab and we fucking danced like there ws no tomorrow. I had a bus to catch at 5 so I was ready to stay up all night until I had to meet Lib. After the club, I went to this fish n chips place to get a coke. Some fuckin' guys in the line kept making Karate chop moves in my face.

::HYA!:: "You do Karate?!" The shorter one asked.

"No, I don't."

And the same convos went: where ya from? california. where you really from? california. where are you really really from? california. OOOH YOU'RE AMERICAN?! Darling, you're really far away from home. I suggest you take a boat and go that way! ::points toward Isle:: Are you Republican or democrat? I'm a democrat. ::high five:: HOW'S IRAQ OSAMA?!

"It's Barack Obama."
And while all this is happening, the tall one keeps shoving his face in mine, yelling about stupid shit. WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? You do karate?!

"NO!" I yell back into his face.

What do you do? I do nothing. I study English literature, poetry. and he asks, "What do you mean you do't do anything? Karate? Sumo?" I ask him what he does. I just do this, "HYA!!" and makes a "karate chop to my face."

Well that killed my high from a really good night out. I got to the bus station and waited until 4:30. Lib came and we started on our journey to BARCELONA!

To get to Barcelona, we rode a bus to get to London. From London we transfer to another bus that took us to Stansted. From Stansted we flew to REUS (BCN). To get to Barcelona we had to take another bus. The bus had left and another came, but it sat idle for an hour before we could actually leave. On the drive there, the sun was setting and it looked like we were driving on the 5. There were mountains, there was sherbert sky and we were on the right side of the road, unlike England.

And when we got to Sants (the bus station) we were like FUCK YES BARCELONA! and had decided that we probably won't drink that much because we were tired. We tried to find our way, and using high school Spanish we managed to ask some guys how to get to Passeig de Gracia. He told us to catch a bus across the street. "He said to catch the 22!" I said. "Um? "Cuarenta y dos is 44," Lib corrected. Ooops. Hahaha.

We get to the hostel, Centric Point and it's friggin bomb. We're on the fifth floor. Some guys from london invited us to go out with them. Super fine men too, but we had to meet up with Lib's friend V. After getting some dinner that was disappointing, showed up and we headed to a tiny bar in the gothic quarter. The bar ws cool but a bit smokey. After that we headed to meet some of his friends who were also studying in Barcelona. They were from UNC and UCSD UCSC and etc. We drank more wine, more cervezas, y heading towards another bar around midnight. I was already pretty fucked because my tolerance is low and I was red and embarassed and felt ridiculous.

We walked through La Rambla, where people sold cans of beer and prostitutes stake out. We got to The Black Sheep and there was a mime as the bouncer! The bar was packed! It looked like old school German underground beer tavern. We got a pitcher of SANGRIA (12 euros) for the 3 of us and a pitcher of beer. THE SANGRIA AT THE BLACK SHEEP IS SOOOO DAAAMN GOOOD! I was knocking back glass after glass because it tasted like juice. THAT SHIT FUUUUUCKS YOU UUUUP! I was sooo blasted! Ridiculous. So we "knicked" some beer mugs because it's own proper British. Lib and I hid it under our coats.

Lib was too drunk, she held hers in her hand and the bouncer at the Lotus was like No. She hid it behind the tree in front and we went in. We danced, smelled like cigarettes, and we (Lib and I) left the club at around 3:30. Somehow the other mug ended up in V's possession, he called us and we were so drunk and lost. He found us, BOTH MUGS IN HAND! We kept laughing until we made it to our hostel and I PTFOed (passed the fuck out)!

10 in the morning we wokeup and planned our day, with Wade (a guy who stayed in the same room, was from LA who travelled for a while, wanted to be a rapper, was annoying, but came in handy later in life). We went to eat at some cafe that also had disappointing food, walked to the merquat de sant joseph and la rambla. The merquat was crowded but the stands were decorated with all different kidns of fruit from basic bananaas to exoctic cactus fruit. There was chocolate, ice cream, fish, meat, and if you couldn't find it there, I'd be really surprised. On the main street, people sold birds, fluffy pigeons to canaries and finches, goldfishes, cactii, etc etc....

We took the metro to Montjuic, and climbed the fuckin' mountain. There was a guy climbing up singing and okaying his guitar. Bomb diggedity bomb because it was HUGE! Met up with V at La Sagrada Familia.

La Sagrada familia is outstanding! It truly is Gaudi's life work. Beautiful. Check it out.

All four us us walked toward la playa. The sky was blue, there was a sailboat in the Mediterranean, a single cloud floated above, and a couple walked passed holding hands. We put our feet in the cold sun until the sun sank behind the palm trees.

Wade and I decided to o back to the hostel so we could nap (in our respective hostel beds) so Lib and V kept going. Thy came back, asked me if I wanted to gru, I said no, they left and told me to call them when I was awake. So I wake. My phone is about to die and Libby's didnt work, so I called V and was ready to meet up with them at the bar they were at. At the metro station, I was pretty much ready to get onto the train and then I remembered that Wade wanted to hang out, so I called and asked if I should get him. They said yeah sure, and so I did. I woke him up and he said that he needed to shower. WTF?!?!! Pretty boy sheesh!

Just as I was ready to call V again about th plans, my phone died. I was like, "SHIT SHIT SHIT! How am I supposed to contact them? I'm alone in Barcelona!!! I didn't want to only hang outwith Wade. It's my last night! WAAAAAAAAH!!!" So I go to the reception and try to make a call to 's phone. I dind't know his number. I went to the payphone across the steet; the number I used still didn't work. I went onto skype and asked Calvin andRizz to help me out. They called and it still didn't work. This is where Wade comes in handy. I go get Wade and he had made some toast with some cheese for dinner, left by Joe (Australian travel companion) in the kitchen where the computers were. We went, and he asked, "Did you try charging your phone on that machine?" There is a machine that has all these different chargers and costs a euro. GENIUS!!!! I charged my phone and shared toast and cheese with Wade.

On the flip side, Lib and V were waiting for me at the Metro, but after an hour were smart to come back to the hostel. The fear of going to the hostel was that I would be going towards them and we would miss each other in transit. Joe happened to be sitting outside the hostel.

Lib: Do you know where Diana and Wade are?
Jo: Wade's in the room.

Upn entering the dark room, Wade and I were no where to be found. But just right then my phone had completely charged d I had called V. V says: DIANA! I say: V!

At once we reconnected and I was never so happy to lay eyes on these two strangers! And it was about time to get fuuuuucked up! I was revived and open to last night in Barcelona!

We went to a hostel that sold a litre of beer for 3 euros. I didn't eat so I was already fucked with my one litre. We met friends from the night before and from Hungary. Megan was V's back and she was beautiful! Political, open, , from new mexico, and a big drinker; i mean beeeeeeautiful! mary was from nebraska and that girl pissed in front of the cash point (atm); too legit to quit! Again, we went back to TBS and downed a pitcher of Sangria and a pitcher of beer within 45 minutes. Wade kept making raps in my ear. they were predictable and he used them over and over again. I was too fucked up to say shit so I kept laughing and laughing, but Megan challenged him so it was good times.

We go to this club called Razzmatazz. It was fucking amaaaazing! There were thousands of people on three floor with multiple dance rooms and diffeent DJs. This was pretty much a fucking rave; it was so bomb! Libby and I kept going from room to room, up and down, down to up, dancing and laughing.; everything happened to fast. "Vamanos," we'd say to escape creepers, "Next room! Next room!"I got to salsa with a guy and that was amazing because taking basic salsa at the ARC really gave me the confidence to show off! Guys offered us drinks. Libby was drinking one, and I yelled, "No! No! It's tainted!" (I don't believe in taking drinks from men because of roofies.) She shrugged and said, "A little won't hurt!" After we got away from this creeper who kept trying to dance with me, I asked for the time. Lib handed me the phone. It read: 5:15! 9 missed calls!

Shit! We were supposed to meet V and co outside the lcub at 5! EEk! We got outside, I was calling V and some guy approached us trying to sell us some hash. Lib said, "No gracias. No gracias.' Then aof a sudden, I hear the guy say to Lib, "Aye fuck you!" I turned around to look at Lib and guy, and simultaneously, we threw up the "Up yours" and shouted, FUCK YOU WANKER!!!" And we ran off, laughing. A perfect way to end the night!

So we walked back to the hostel, all 5 of us, drunk, giggling, warm and cuddly, and Lib and I were ready tocatch our bus to the airport. We PTFoed on the bus and got to the airport early. Checked it and our fuckin' plan was delayed 5 hours! Lucky for me, I PTFoed on the bench and it was sunny enough that I felt I was in Irvine again. Lib made some skateboarder friends who travel and film themselves skateboarding. We got on the plane, and lucky for us we didn't have to pay to get onto the coaches. It was all perfect timing.

On the coach, I realize after hearing Christina Aguiera's "You are Beautiful" that I love Calvin so much and want to be with him and will support his decisions in our break, but I must also love myself and will follow my heart, doing what I want to do. That way there won't be any regrets. Barcelona was about MAXIMIZING and living with no regrets! We only had two days to experience it. And that's just like Life. Short. So I should always be MAXIMIZING and living with no regret by doing what my heart wants to do! We talked about Rizz and how positive perception affects your experience. For him home means being in the environment of home. For us, home is about the people and our hearts yearn for our friends. Heart is where the home is.

On a random note, this guy from Italy hits on me while we're on our way to London. First he says, "Sayonara!" Then he says he wants a Chinese girlfriend in London. The same "Where are you born? California. Where were you originally born? California" and insulted poetry saying that writing is not a useful thing because it isn't making anything. I disgreed. He also said that his yellow fever is only for women who speak English because he can't understand women who come directly from Asia. Boo beans to him. (I told you, this shit doesn't stop!) I just need to chronicle how many times this happens to me.

We get on to Brighton and Lib and I have our goodbyes and thank yous for an amazing weekend. And as much as Barcelona was fun, we were ready to come back to Brighton because living that way was too crazy. I couldn't drink 5 days out of the week. I need ME time and breathing time. Sanity.

follow your heart

My Uncle Danny came over today and brought over some duck, not just any duck, the one that simmers in secret sauce, no fat, teochiu style...our ethnicity, our secret recipe. And he told me that once i get my degree, i hsould sit by myself and think about waht I want to do. I should sit there, drink in hand, and ask myself, "What do I want?"

Once I have an answer, I will stick to it 100% committed, and granted there will be distractions, but you've got to give it everything. He worked at a high-end French restaurant for years, but knew that he was Asian, and no matter what, if he learned to cook French food and opened up a restaurant, people will judge the quality of the restaurant because of his surname, because of prejudices, no matter how good his French food really was. So he quit and worked at a Chinese restaurant, learning everything from the other Asian chefs, who liked him and were willing to teach him. He got a call from a friend, a distraction, "Hey Dan, come work at United with me. It has good benefits, medical, dental." My Uncle did. Got pulled away. "I wasted seven years of my life there." And all of his dreams were told to my aunt and she supported him 100% no matter how hard, no matter what pay.

I asked him if he was going to open up another restaurant other than the Japanese one. As a young person, I remember so vividly his diligence in learning and training for this trade. He said, "No, then I no longer am a specialty."

We talked about Europe and how he hated the food, the quality, the price of living, and I had to agree completely. We talked about Australia and New Zealand; I originally wanted to study abroad there. I want to visit my aunt there.

"I love to cook." And he's cooking up more than knowledge, he's helping me shape my outlook on life.

I remember being a kid and staying over at their house, but I would cry because I missed my parents, I got so homesick that I lied about being sick so that they would take me home. And all this hearsay about him being shady for making the family pay when they go eat at their restaurant. "It's not that he does; he just doesn't offer to make it free because I'm more than willing to pay for my own meal," they tell me. That's fuckin' bullshit! Ain't no one going to treat you like a queen or boss just because you are family. My E-ma has loads of money, but they aren't travelling, they aren't moving mountains, they aren't making people's day. They are just wasting away, pretending to be big boss. So who is really saving face? Who is living life? The ones on their thrones or the ones in the struggle? I may be a slave to the people, I may be a slave to stereotypes, but I will not be a slave to money!

The end.

The Bay is Where the Home Is

I live for sunsets. And no sunset could beat the sunsets I've seen in the past three days.

I am currently at home. Home home. Calvin left on Saturday and I decided to buy a ticket to come home to surprise my family and him and I have truly surprised my self.

Sunday, the day before my flight I went to Brighton with Kelly to get my bus ticket so that I could make it to the airport and book my taxi so I could make it to the bus station. We went down to the water after eating some much needed Chinese food at China China (our food spot).

I will try to paint this picture. Imagine heavy, thick grey clouds covering the horizon and stretching up above your head. These coulds were thick, dark, rainy looking. Got it? Okay. Point your gaze to the horizon, and imagine this tiny gap in the cloubs. A box in the clouds. Fill that box with red. That's the sun. Okay. Now to make it even more awesome, please imagine a strip of red sky just above that horizon and stretching towards your right like a light tower. This sunset was crazy! I mean, I've never seen this type of red in a sunset ever! The sun was guiding a path through the grey. Literally. And if you can't imagine it, it's okay I have a picture, but it cannot compare to the experience!

It gets better. Now turn your head toward the east and the sky is filled with 5 different types of clouds, all different colors. The sky had light, silky pink clouds, the sky was lilac purple (!) and barely layered with dark thin clouds, poofy white clouds, and barely-there-smokey grey clouds. And in this lifetime where there is a big need for change, I felt the biggest change in me. I could've died happy.

But why die happy when you can die happier? I shall continue.

Flying here was probably the best decision I could make because the views from the sky really did make me believe that the world was spherical and there is still hope in the sphere! It was a day flight so I was literally chasing the Sun, where the home is. The best part was flying into the Bay. I usually fly into Oakland and not SFO, and the views are vastly different. I saw waves breaking, I saw houseboats, I saw mountains, and most importantly, I felt home.

After Barting back to the Plaza, it was pouring rain. I called my moma via payphone and this is how the conversation went:

"Hi! It's Bao," I said.
"Hey! How are you How do you feel?"
"Good. Good."
"Good!"
"Hey mom, can you pick me up from the Bart station?"
"Huh? When are you coming back?"
"I'm here."

And like a surprise pregnancy, she conceived the possibility of truth, that her daughter was home. Moma was on her way.

I called Calvin. This is how the conversation went:

"Hey!" I said.
"Where are you?!"
"At the Bart station."
"I KNEW IT!"
"How'd you know?"
"Well becka sent me a text this morning."
"What? I told her not to tell you."
"No, crazy thing is that I had a dream last night that you came, and when I woke up I was bummed that you weren't here, then I got a text from your sister asking if I knew if you were coming home."

Our subconscious lives in the future. And I got home and Calvin came over and I couldn't stop smiling. Yeah, I haven't stopped smiling. He and I caught sunset on Moeser. The rain clouds had completely been swept towards the East and there was clear pink, orange, azul sky over the Golden Gate. And the moon was hanging out, bright, waiting for its turn to shine.

Today I woke up with Calvin at 5 AM, made breakfast because I didn't realize that it was 5Am even after Calvin just told me, and we grubbed on mama's meat, oatmeal, coffee, vegetables, and Domino's pizza. Hahaha.

I ran errands for the family lending that extra hand to help make their lives a little bit freer. My gramma made some bomb steamed fish. I slept on the couch with Nemo and woke up and read two books.

My family came home and it was loud because were talking about the elections, which is the way I like it. Loud and political!

And whence Jude came home she watched Nemo and I took a walk with Mia. Mia and I walked in silence and I spent my time looking at all these new and familiar places. We walked down to my old house, past the new city hall, past the old apartments where my aunt used to live, toward Castro. Usually I take a new path with Mia, letting her guide me whichever which way her nose, dog sense (scents) desires. Mia and Dia, the true walking society.

I saw the sunset looking sky and made the decision to turn around, finally guiding my dog. we went home to watch the sunset. I stood at the edge of my backyard, and she stood by my side. I had never seen the sunset from my backyard. From my backyard I can see the Albany Hill, Oakland, Emeryville, The Golden Gate Bridge a little right of center, and out to Marin on my far right. The sky, I know I've said "sky" double digit times in this blog, but bear with me. The sky was like looking at a lover you haven't seen in a long time, like looking at the smiling face of your best friend after being apart, like seeing your favorite movie and knowing it line for line, like hearing the cheesiest love song from middle school, like....cumming and laughing afterward because it was mafuggin' good. There was traffic on the 80, the lights of the buildings, white, reds, oranges, the sound of sirens and horns honking on the bay bridge, the Baskin Robbins Rainbow Sherbert sky and Mia gazing up at me.

I cried like redemption in hallelujah. I bent down to rub Mia, tears streaming down my eyes. We were silent, but she put her paws to my face, the way that I rub my hands on her face, and we understood.

I'm withdrawing from Sussex. I want to come home to California in December. Not because I am not fully taking advantage of the experience abroad, but I am fully taking advantage of the experience of wisdom, imagination, my truth, spiritual freedom and unconditional love. I feel deep down in my heart that I want to die at my happiest, and I can't be happiest unless I am sharing my experiences with the ones I love the most. I live for sunsets, I live for the end. The end.

A Surprise Journey

Someone knocked on our bedroom door, Julie came in, said, “Abi, there’s a random guy at our door.” Abi got up, ready to go. I asked, “Should I come out too?” thinking it was the delivery man from ASDA. “No, just sleep.” I thought it might have been Eric, her American friend. After a couple of minutes, the door opens. My head was at the foot of the bed so I peered out, upside down, in blurred sleepy vision and see this random guy walking in, he smiled a familiar smile and I thought, “Who is this guy?” I flipped up right and saw the most beautiful sight: Calvin Chu. “Hi,” he said. Immediately, I covered my head with my duvet. “I must be dreaming. No way. What the?...” So many thoughts running through my head I couldn’t even rationalize at 10 in the morning.

Surprise. Surprise. Calvin always surprises me. Abi was in on it too. He had been planning this for a couple of weeks now. We had a mini-argument the night before, Friday. I was making tikka masala and ate it alone, went out for a walk with Kelly in the dark because dinner made me far too sad. It is nice making my own dinner, and I was always comfortable eating by myself, but that night my dinner felt lonely, felt too much for a single person. I thought, “What’s the point of making amazing tasting food if no one is here to taste it? If no one is able to share it?” So I went out to look at the stars and I couldn’t help but think about Calvin because one of his goals is to go into space.

I went back into my room, called Calvin’s mobile but it went straight to his voicemail. I really did call his flying here, knowing that he’s crazy enough to do such a thing. But Abi told me not to get m hopes up. I agreed, leaving him Facebook wall posts, playing music, trying to keep myself busy so I wasn’t worrying, obsessing. This is the mutual understanding in our relationship: independence, open, freedom to explore and experience. So I agreed.

And there’s something about gut instinct that tells us the truth, tells us about the future because here he was, my past, my future presently standing in my room in mafuggin’ England. Hahaha. After embracing, thanking, getting over the shock, we showered, undressing ourselves like they did in the Notebook. Then went up to the ruins, and definitely ate my leftover tikka masala.
I had made plans to go to Brighton with Kelly because we were sad the night before and thought that sitting on the beach staring at the drone of the shore would be soothing, distracting. Instead, all three of us took the bus to Sainsbury’s so we could make vegan chocochip cookies and some Irish soda bread. Calvin was super sleepy so he slept while she and I baked. We made dinner for David, Eric, Abi. The six of us celebrated Calvin’s arrival and David’s withdrawal from Sussex.
David, Kelly, Calvin and I went to Brighton to the Oxygen bar, downed shots: terminator (jaegermeister and southern comfort), carribean connection, squashed frogs, jaeger bombs.

After being a bit buzzy, we headed back for our house party. Beers were cold, and we were ready to get fucked up. We played Fizz Fuzz. We go around counting 1, 2, 3, trying to get up to 30. For multiples of 5 you say “fizz” and multiples of 7 you say “fuzz” and reverse the direction. It was nice getting Abi’s friends and my friends together. We hadn’t done that ever. And it was nice having a loud ruckus in our flat finally. This game took us forever, but it was well worth the wait because we had a goal (30) and when we made it, fuck, it was probably collectively and thoroughly victorious.

Calvin and I ate, we slept, woke up to cook and eat again. We drank, we fought, and we played. We had poppy tea and ganj on Sunday; Abi got really sick so Monday was not a good day for her. She stayed in bed all day, which was good. Alcohol Tuesday-Thursday. I forget which night it was but we PTFOed (passed the fuck out) at 8:30 Pm, woke up at 2AM and shared a bottle of Sicilian White wine together, getting sickly drunk because wine hits way too hard (reference SPOP wine and cheese parties). After passing out for a bit on the floor next to my bathroom, we made it to the room and slept.

And we sexed like war time lovers. We made love, we flirted, we kissed, we laughed, and we snuck around like 8th graders. It was truly fantastical!

And we argued, we discussed, we dropped knowledge, we meditated, we hurt.

On Thursday (reference Irvine: students’ night), we went to Oxygen, got 1.50 pound shots, and headed toward Honeyclub, which is my favourite club in Brighton because it’s full of gay men and electronic/house music. It’s a pound entry fee and a pound for bottles of beer. I fuckin’ love it! We danced and I thought about Div and Suj, wanting to be a Go-Go dancer, giving light shows at raves or dilihs, and fuckin’ giggin’ with love and joy.
And again, we argued, we discussed, and tried to understand each other. I didn’t like the way Calvin tugged at my clothes, not because he isn’t allowed to do it, but at clubs, my uards are a lot higher. I wouldn’t want other men to do that to me, and Calvin wouldn’t want his (hypothetical) girlfriend to be tugged on either. But we were buzzing, smoked a bowl, and I drew on his back and my foot. Drawing is the only time I am fully focused, concentrated. I want to start a t-shirt line, I think, just for fun. I’ll just wear clothes that I design myself.

Halloween: we were ghosts, miscommunication, screaming in the closets, calm revelations, tears, writing, sleeping. Miscommunication of plans happened, built up frustrations were initially vented, but I gained self-control and went into the closet to scream into my clothes and cry. Why did I do this? I have learned that when in anger, my mind gets delusional, I say things that I don’t mean, I say things that have consequences and hurt other people. I cried because I kep replaying Amel Larrieux’s “Make Me Whole” in my head, knowing that every word she sang is how I felt toward Calvin. And Calvin wanted to argue, preparing himself for my vent. As easy as that was, he didn’t need that verbally beating, so my new tactic is to write my angered thoughts out, and after all that bullshit comes out, after I’ve ejaculated stupid frustration, I can finally BE. I had control of my inner peace and calm in voice, in thought, in reaction.

I learned that communication in any relationship is beyond just knowing yourself through the eyes of others, it is reflecting on the self from your eyes, from your 3rd person. Also it’s looking at the other person for guidance in the skills that I lack. For example, Calvin shows his love rather than tells his love; I am vice versa. However, I have made the effort to show my love to him by reflecting on how he shows his love to me, adopting his methods and still maintain the balance of what I do, communicate through words. Maybe it’s not necessarily compromise but becoming more than what I was when I was single, becoming more (in)dependent, becoming a hybrid human. Yeah, that definitely sounds cooler than the often negative connotation of compromise. In idiomatic terms, his strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. What I am proposing is the adoption of his strengths in lieu of my weakness, making them my own, finding what works for me, trying it on, so that I can be wholly strong, rather than a walking contradiction of weak and strong.

Or more often consistent in the self. I question: is that is being selfish by becoming superhumanly strong, or is that the most selfless thing you can do so that you are truly invincible and can finally selflessly help others? (Reference: help yourself before you can help others. Obviously, I have learned that doing both has more often left me feeling obligated to helping others rather than fully wanting to help others because that help may not be reciprocated, thereby I can never give my full 100% by the end of whatever task it may be (i.e. SPOP, presidency, extracurriculars, friendships, relationships, etc).)

Today Calvin left early to catch a bus to get to Heathrow, to fly out for his mom’s birthday, to go back and deal with his life. I am eternally grateful to have someone in my life who would drop anything for me, who has the privilege to fly across the world for me It wasn’t because I asked him to do it, he wanted to do it, but secretly, I wanted him to too. And though he has that privilege, it should not be strained, indulged upon. We must find balance and learn to be more of ourselves when by ourselves and also more of our selves when we are together; that is the process of sharing, that is what multiculturalism is, that is what a potluck is, that is what sharing our lives together means as friends, lovers, haters, and family.

Although we journey ahead to do what we want to do, there are always broken pieces that need to be picked up, and it’s taking on the responsibility of journeying back as a newer person from when you left, and still learning to play that makes us (im)mature. Makes us happier, hybrid, harmonious, and healthier (emotional, intellectual, mental, spiritual, physical) people. Staying humble to the roots, your self, the I.

afraid of the dark

If my mind is as spacious as the sky of pink, orange, gold, teal, and purple, blue, and so onwardly as the spectrum of light allows, a form-less continuum with scattered thought clouds big clouds, rain clouds, clouds lined in clarity, passing by, then my greatest fear is the night overwhelmingly covered by the stars, a lonely shiver in the reflection of Diana, whose inscutable hunt in the oak echoes nothing, no one, but her own footsteps.

viva la revolucion

i want a revolution. i am a revolution. i will revolutionize. it is happening. it is coming and it is more necessary than ever. no i may not be original. no i may not be talented. but something is speaking, someone is speaking, and it needs to get out, needs to be tangible for all to see. it is detrimental to have imagination, to have wonder, and i refuse to be stifled by this commercialized, material world. just watch me.

redemption in the rain

jeff buckley-hallelujah on repeat

enough was always enough,
but we keep looking for more
in a society that makes
me crazy, and when self-
discovery is blinded by madness,
the self discovers
truth.....inside
of the pouring rain
of my words,
my letters
to my self.

lauryn hill an d'angelo- nothing even matters

dear world,

sitting atop some ruins on a hill, i see the clouds that go beyond what eyes can see. a light that makes pink our cheeks, a tingle that tickles the wind, and warmth. we are at war, world. i find myself questioning whether we can make it. you and i. i in you. please make room for me in your grey, black steel. our fires are the same, our blood is the same, and our lips, oh! sweet lips yearn for union. balance. moments smaller than a tear in our time. time timing time. and it is only in due time that we can tell whether we can live harmoniously.

08-09/10/2008

Sussex update: super long entry of this magnificent day

Dear you,
I am in my first week of school at the University of Sussex. I had a good day today, one of the very few days, because I woke up and the skies were clear, cumulous clouds floating slowly through the air. I took a shower, did my routine, and was ready to get to my academc advisor so we could discuss my current class schedule since I'm staying for the autumn term. I walk down the slopey parking lot and a butterfly floats by me. What a coincidence! I'm getting a butterfly tattoo on Saturday!

I get to the office, and a girl from America is also waiting for Jenny. She was from Massachussetts, we talked about Amherst (my first choice school). We talked about the weather, and travelling together. We talked about science and how I still love it and miss it, going back to my experiences with e.coli and plant cells that have regenerative properties. She did research on cancer patients. I talked about UCI and how we receive lots of money for stem cell research and again referenced UCI's work with salamanders. She did some work at the University of Michigan. I told her Jimmy Chan goes there and how he has it rough as in BME.

Mind you, half an hour passes and Jenny didn't show up. If I was by myself I would've left a long time ago. She asked me for my name. "Diana," I said, What's yours?"

"Vida." Vida. Life! I met Life today as I was trying to figure out my academic life. Another coincidence. These moments show me that life is the trickiest of them all.

Ultimately, Jenny told me it was ultimately up to me. I researched a bit for my classes, and headed to the library. I felt very productive after figuring out how to use the library system and how to find my books without being overwhelmed by the titles.

After leaving the library, I entered the church and read "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman. Genius. Beautiful writing that I could never compare.

Meditation: The only thing I was looking forward to all of this term. The Buddhist nun was cracking jokes, and talked so peacefully, which differed from expectations of sternness. She said that the Buddha said our mind is like a loose, enraged bull elephant. Imagine if a bull was let loose on campus, thrashing at people, cars, buildings, etc. We would all just be so shocked and reflect on the damage. Our minds are let loose and we walk around campus and in the world just unleashing ourselves onto others. There is no control. And I wanted to control my mind.

She talked about how our minds are sticky like glue and when we fancy a person,we think about them all the time. And when they leave, we say, "No! Please don't go!" Likewise, even with someone we hate. We still can't that person off our mind. Buddha called this "attachment." But we also needed to let that go so that we can be more independent in our minds, rather than dependent on people, one person, or thing(s). And if we love all, then our friends and the company of the people around us can also be enjoyed more.

She talked about how our minds are cyclical. We leave a stressful job, find a new job, and realize that the new job is just as stressful as the last one. We have a relationship and ditch the person to find someone new, entering the new relationship, we also find that it's the same kind of relationship. Why? Because we enter those things with our minds still in tact. We enter with the same mind.

And our minds are so quick to react to the traumas of life. If someone looks at us negatively, or says something really awful, we keep going back to it, replaying the same words, thinking, "Man, that really hurt." But so what? How can we change the automated negativity into positivity?

Buddha said that we can reach peace by focusing on a virtuous object, whether is be love, peace, compassion. Our minds are constantly distracted by habits, addictions, etc , whether it's by chocolate, alcohol, drugs, facebook, movies, TV, or exercising. This isn't to say that these things are bad r good. They are just what people do to get their minds off the negative. However, this action doesn't mean that they are changing their thoughts into positive ones. The negative thoughts jsut stat dormant, or suppressed until something triggers it. Everything builds. We don't feel happy still. But how can we feel peaceful and feel happy?

The hardest mind to contol is our feelings, which is the mind in our hearts. Through meditation, we can focus on having peace without distraction by focusing on our breath, and whatever things we "need" to do or think about can wait. We are thinking like, "Meditation? There are so many other important things to do!" But what is more important than your self and your peace of mind?

Posture is important because you don't want to fall asleep, so sit upright, chin slightly tucked in, and right hand cupped by left hand with thumbs gently touching. Our minds are so busy all the time that we constantly feel tired, so it's easy for us to close our eyes and pass out.

So through this guided meditation, I jumped into focusing on Buddha's face, his smile shining in the dark of my eyelids. I see a white light, which is my breath, entering my body, and exiting, forming a loop between nostrils and the pit of my stomach. "Realease all the tension in your body." Tensions were released; I thought of my herniated disc and my pinched nerve underneath my shoulderblade and let it go. Even though I was in an uncomfortable wooden chair, I couldn't feel my body.

At this point, it was harder to focus. I kept thinking about my tattoo design, kept thinking about Calvin, and my classes. "Focus on your breath. Pull yourself deeper into your breath." And I did.

I felt like the waves of the oceans and imagined the Brighton beach, the waves moving subtley in the still of the day. "Pull yourself even deeper. Focus on how the air feels against your nostrils when you inhale and exhale."

And it was getting harder because I felt my body moving off the chair because I was getting so relaxed, but I kept telling myself, "In. Out. In . Out" At some points I was so caught up in my thoughts that I forgot to breathe.

"This ends our meditation." I opened my eyes and looked at her, but her eyes were still closed and so was everyone elses. I thought I was sleep walking, then I closed then again. Breathed in and out a few more times until finally we opened our eyes.

When I opened my eyes, I fel like I was in a dream: consciously unconscious and unconsciously conscious. But I kept breathing slowly, listening to the sound of my breath, feeling peaceful. I was not thinking about anything besides breathing.

I walked out of the chapel calm, refreshed, floating, and I walked at a different pace, in no rush, and enjoying Ryan's company. I couldn't stop smiling or laughing. I felt so happy.

We walked towards my apartment to have some tea. I split a pbnj with Ryan and was happy to make him a pb and nutella sandwich because he was deprived from life. We went for a walk in the hills opposite my apartment where the cows roam. We climbed over an opening in the barbed wire fence and watched our step so we didn't step on any cowpies.

There was a brick ruin with a tree growing out of it! In the ruins of the world, there is still hope! (Note: watch Wall-E if you haven't) We walked further up the hill and climbed over another fence. I'm really good at climbing fences. I like to jump the last bit. It makes me feel like a kid again. We walk up and see a tree that was carved into a bench. There were wolves and butterflies carved out of the bench as well. Ryan and I looked at the clouds, one looked like the bottom of a shoe, and another looked like a small dog jumping for a ball.

We head back down towards the first fence and I see two ladybugs on the back of Ryan's jeans. "Ryan! You have two lady bugs on you!"
"What can I say? I attract all the ladybugs?!"
"Hahaha yeah you're a real ladies man!"

We part ways. Ryan headed for a nap and I headed to Kelly's place to see her new Bandon Boyd poster. At Kelly's place we updated each other on our day's events, waiting for the 6PM Walking Society intro meeting.

After meetings and everything, we leave for the fiesta at Marsha's! One person brought one thing so that we could create some fantastic burritos! Steven and Marina never had Mexian food before. Granted, this wasn't legit Mex food, but it was a lot better than Los Taquitos, which was microwaved and not the same. Sangria, Mexfood, good company (not that good of a conversation, though I learned a lot), and everyone left. Normally I would wait for Kelly to go home, but I wanted to get back to see if Calvin was online. So I headed out the door and I looked at my cell phone. It read: 22:22. A sign! I am in the right place at the right time because I am doing what I want to do rather than doing what I feel obligated to do!

I came home and looked at my computer. My mind started racing again, so I decided to meditate. It worked, but not as well as it did earlier in the day, but I felt calm and inspired to write out the happenings of today. If you read this, thank you. There is no point. I wanted to have a good day on file so that when I have a bad day I can look back to this and find some form of peace.

Awakening

Today, I feel awakened by my breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
The tingle around the nostrils
The tickle against the hairs.

Thoughts cross my mind:
thoughts of stress,
thoughts of my partner,
thoughts of loss,
and thoughts of yearning
for brighter days.

But I must focus
on my breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
The tingle around my nostrils.
The tickle against the hairs.

There is peace within my virtuous breath
that moves throughout me
that charges my mind,
the mind in my heart,

and I drift in and out of my minds--
conscious and unconscious--
to find balance
and control
of me and my breath,
the breath that awakens peace.

Ohm.

YES ENERGY!

Try saying this as loud as you can: YES! YES! YES!

Hopefully you did.

Why? Because the word YES opens up the flow! Your body starts circulating with more energy and blood! It's magnificent!

All people are born with a ball of energy. However, as we go through the world, traumas and negative energy stifles this joyful bubble. This bubble of energy is LIFE! And despite the bad things we may do, I believe that deep down inside, there is a dormant ball of positive energy, radical energy, potential energy that could move mountains!

YEEEEES!

I am thrilled to have talked to Val today. We talked about this energy and how this energy (power of belief, etc) helps gravitate people like you toward you. Or certain situations happen more frequently. It's like thinking about a number, and every day you see that same number. Or it's like all you feel is sad, and all these sad situations perpetuate the same feeling of sadness. Calvin and I are both in a healing process right now, with our selves as individuals, as friends, and as a couple. Since Calvin's departure, I have gotten to talk to some of the residents here, and most of them are also in a healing process, in a transitional process.

For example, a girl named Tess from New Zealand had a snowboarding injury, and she needed to get away so that he leg can heal. There's a man named Igor who used to be a Caberet dancer in his home country, Spain. He left Spain because he no longer wanted to dance. However, he watches videos of himself to relieve that same energy and spirit. Couples like Lorenzo and Kendra are inbetween countries, on their way to get married. Most others are looking for flats or jobs. Even the name Baggies is important. Reference: Erykah Badu-Bag Lady http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRZ2s_VMffQ We're all here to let go some of our bags, and keep going through life with some other bags.

This healing process is supposed to revitalize and refresh your mind, body, and soul. You may not be fully recovered or fully satisified, but it's a good place to get you on the path to full recovery. We compare this to conventional Western medicine and alternative medicines for cancer. Chemotherapy radiates out the cancer and also hurts some good cells in the process. However, Native American and Chinese medicines help restore and enhance the immune system so it will naturally heal faster. Alternative medicines, homoeotherapy, help the body rather than harm it. http://www.wddty.com/SearchResults.aspx?q=cold+sores

So how can we also help our body? By releasing our natural core energy! The YES YES YES energy! We also related this to relationhips. It's tragic seeing partners trying to change their significant other. In room 15, the lovers room, a quote reads: Life is a mirror: we love in others what we love in ourselves, and we hate in others what we hate in ourselves. It is much easier to nag at another person to change rather than change ourselves. That shows how insecure we are about ourself. We don't want to deal with the self, the I. However, we must remember why we love those people in the first place.

Granted, communication and effort must be put into a relationship and there must be an effort for some change and growth. I think that may have been my biggest disappointment in SPOP returners. I had too many expectations for immediate change and it seemed as though the returners did not want to put an effort to grow or change. I also forgot the initial qualities of the people who make the team. I was too idealistic, too romantic. I thought too much about the team rather than about myself. I also forgot who I was. Val said, "You shouldn't sit down for a cup of tea with someone and share only one cup." Which is true. There can be the interaction, but the interaction of two individuals. You can't forget the energy of yourself. I forgot myself and needed to go home to find Diana Phuong.

I think that's why I was so lost when Calvin left. Yes because I miss him and love his company, but also I lost the pleasure of having my own company, or the company of others. I felt so unmotivated and unfocused. I didn't know what to do next. I felt like I was stalling for time until something better came along. But that is not utilizing my energy to its fullest.

Winnie the Pooh was talking to Piglet. People in town were getting washing machines so they could save time doing laundry. Pooh says to piglet,"Well Piglet, you and I know that you can't save time, you can only spend time."

And I hope you all are spending your time saying YES to new things no matter where you are! Try to challenge yourself to do at least one new thing for the FIRST time. Even if it's something small like trying out a new recipe, or putting on a top you would normally never pick out. These small things can hopefully pick up momentum and you can do it biiig!

A Jedi Proverb: You can do or do not. There is no cry.

If you choose to do, then do with love and life.

If you choose not, then you have chosen a powerful energy. The power of hate. Hate the injustices in life. Hate the corrupt. Hate can move mountains farther than love.

I am saying YES to life in the here and now, reacting to all its challenges and all its joys when they come to me. Don't meet trouble half way; meet it when it is right in front of you! Hopefully you are all saying yes too! That way, we are loving deeper, and living more fully!

YES! YES! YES!

Day 4+5+6: Grab a Seagull by its Legs and FLY

We woke up dreading the last day for Mr. Calvin Chu. This was the day we dreaded the most.

We got breakfast at the Cafe Royal. Delicioso! But eating that every day may give me a heart attack! Eggs, really salty bacon, sausage, beans, and toast. YUUUUMMY!

We walked around this festival in the streets. It was a car-free Sunday! There's always something going on in Brighton. This festival was like a Solano Stroll street festival. It was a good walk then we got to the Brighton pier. There is something soothing and drawing about the water.

Calvin skipped stones and I watched. We watched the sunset and it was the longest sunset we've ever watched because there were no mountains blocking the sun. This old man with a metal detector scaling the beach turned and looked at us, and said "Grab a seagull by its legs and fly." That's what risk is in love and in life: with all doubt, there must be hope. you can't fail if you have gone above and beyond, trying to soar.

We went to Bankers for dinner and ordered some expectedly yummy food. Haddock and Salmon. I'm pety sure we weren't drunk but we bumbled around with food coma back to baggies.

We got hooked up in a double room by Val because it was his last night here. This room is a room of love! Seriously! There were quotes on the walls fom lovers. There were rocks from the beach on the desk table and the window sills with names and dates of couples who stayed in the room. Messages of love. Calvin and I wanted to put our own message in there, but we fell asleep with the big day ahead.

Calvin Chu misguided the time. We got up at 3:30 AM, but we figured it'd be good to pack and get our lives together so we don't have to rush later. However, he lost his dress pants. He was flying business class and dressing up was a requirement. Therefore he couldn't leave.

At first I was a bit like, "Are you serious?" because I was emotional, tired, and didn't want to impede on Val's schedule. I stayed positive, saying how I get another day with him. Calvin soothed my wrinkled brow. We laid in bed and talked about family, marriage, children, our lives before and after. "You can't change the story of the past, but you can change the story of the future"-calvin chu. Word.

There was a reason why he lost his dress pants. He and I believed it but wasn't sure what it was. We slept and woke up to tell Val we were here together for another day. Two tasks for the day: Buy dress pants, and buy a coach ticket for his flight.

We started off toward the same cafe. He ordered Chili Con Carne with Basmati rice and I ordered the same breakfast. Yum.

We went shopping and found him some trousers for 2 pounds! It's a company that recycles clothes or something. Traid i think it's called. Everything in the store is 2 pounds. Mission complete.

We went to the coach station and bought him a ticket. Mission 2 complete. So after finishing both those tasks, it was like 1 PM and I realized that when we have only a couple of tasks for the day, there's so much more time to just chill!!!!!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! For so long I kept packing my schedul, especially because I had a car. I'd be here one minute and there te next. I never chilled. If i learned anything from Calvin it was to chill the fuck out and just be. People aren't born frantic, yadidimean?

Anyhow, we went to the beach and threw rocks into the ocean! I joined in this time. It was so satisfying. Calvin said that there's something truly satisfying when you do that and I'd have to agree. You've got to try it some time if you can. Anothe thing to try is the ice cream cones in the UK with chocolate flake. It's so delicious. It tastes completely different than soft-serve frozen yogurt from the US.

We came home and got some food from Taj. I've never eaten these things before. Calvin thought I wasn't enjoying the lamb rice, or the chicken curry, but I really was. I wasn't too fond of the samosas or the shesh kebab but I voiced that. After dinner, we just chilled with some of the older folks, got sleepy and went to bed.

This morning, we woke, we loved, we packed, and we walked to the coach station. I didn't want him to miss his bus because he does have a life outside of me. As we stood outside the coach, stalling for time, we held each other. I lookd up teary eyed, and as I did, Calvin's tear fell into my eye! I mean, talk about catching his tears! Being a goober, I tell a joke: What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing. It just waved. Yahk Yahk Yahk!

He hopped onto the coach and I looked out the window at me on the sidwalk. We blew kisses, made hearts with our hands, hugged with our fingers, and the coach drove away. His hands in the shape of a heart stayed on the window until he rounded the corner. I cried with my hands in the air also in the shape of a heart.

I'm not sure what this post is about. I'm not supposed to know, but I do know that I'm sitting in the common room listening to Val talk about marriage to a young couple and stream of consciousness and deja vu. I am far away listening. I am going to participate until I cannot any longer and then I will come back to you all.

To the love of my life: Until we meet again. Cheers to the summer of love 2008! Cheers to the next time we fly! I love you.

Total Eclipse of My Heart

I woke up from a conversation happening in the living room of baggies. It was interesting listening in on what people were saying. There was an older woman out there, talking to a couple of girls. Calvin talked to her earlier about drugs and stream of consciousness earlier when I was napping. Calvin’s sleeping now and I listened trying to figure who she was. I thought, and said aloud, “I wonder if she’s a psychologist.” I said that because she was analyzing one of the couples in the house. I immediately felt a sting in my chest for placing a label on her, rather than accepting that she was a part of the community. I labeled her and judged her. Interestingly enough, she was talking about judgments at that particular moment. She said that gossip and those who listen in on those who are gossiping could place judgment on those who are talking.

I was thinking about participation and how I’ve always been a wallflower. I sleep at times of the day when most are awake and I write in the silence of the world. I wonder if that is the reason why I am so judgmental. I only speculate about the world rather than interact with it. I eavesdrop, people watch, and make assertions that I have no real data about.

I also wonder if my sexual activity in life has been the only way for me to have a voice. I’m actually a very shy person, but I can be, have been trained to be, a socialite. Often times I don’t get the attention and try to lure it by making myself physically visible and known. I wanted people to know my insecurities. I wanted them to know that I am vulnerable by wearing less clothes, or by seeming elitist in some way. However, I see that it is far more attractive for a female to be more conservative about her body because she cares about herself and her body. The “flaunt it if you’ve got it” has come from bad day time talk show TV like Maury and Montel. I’ve been on this journey trying to discover who I am.

I feel that people are blank slates, written by the environment that surrounds them, reacting to those environments. For example, a pair of twins has an alcoholic father. One of the twins turns out to be just like dad, a total alcoholic, and the other turns out to be nothing like his father, vowing never to ingest alcohol.

I’ve reacted very much to the absence and presence of my parents in my life. My father used to watch Howard Stern, and E!, and Chuckie before I would go to bed at night. This was his “tucking in” process. He would sit by my bed until I fell asleep but I would watch TV with him. No American dream, father reading to child bullshit. Anyone who knows me, knows about my paranoia probably from Chuckie, my curiosity in sexual information probably on Howard Stern, and my knowledge of the outside world is probably from E! I mean, I am very much a product of the television I watched as a child. I spent time with my grandmother and by myself. My grandmother taught me a lot about these wise lessons which I understood, but didn’t recognize as life until now in my adult years. I was a very quiet child. I never spent time with friends outside of school or had slumber parties or anything like that because my mother worried about me. I think I lacked my mother until about junior year in high school, when I finally shared myself with her:

It was prom night and I was going out with a guy named Robbie, who lived in San Francisco/San Mateo. After prom with Alex, I rushed to see Robbie. My mother kept calling me and I ignored every single call until about 5 in the morning, when my older sister called and told me to come home. I was god awful tired because it was late and because I had a long drive ahead. I got home and the entire family was awake, my father hit me while I was crawling into bed, calling me a “chicken” and swearing at me. My mother looked on, but also pulling him away. I had vowed when I was young to leave the house if ever he hit me again, and so I was ready to leave, crying, angry, tired, and feeling justified.

My mother followed me into the garage where we sat and yelled and talked for a couple of hours. I told her I didn’t want to live any more. I told her to kill me. She said, “Why would I do such a thing? If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve done that a long time ago.” I told her about my plans in life and I felt very hopeless. I yelled at her, screaming at her to tell me she loved me. She didn’t. I laid on my back, in sweatpants, and exhausted. Finally, she came up to me and grabbed my hand and told me she loved me. I got up and went for a walk, my brother following me. I was in tears walking up Moeser, but I eventually went home and slept. The day went as though nothing had happened but something in the dynamic of the relationships changed in that house.

I remember in my first year of college, watching a film about the LA riots. A mother was interviewed because her son was shot by one of the grocery store owners. She said that she sat waiting for him, praying that he would return. I kept crying, thinking how my mother stayed up for me every single night when I was in high school, not knowing where I was or what I was doing. As much as I wanted my mother to be a part of my life, I kept the door closed between us like I do with many of you all, yet I worry and wait for those who are ready and for those who aren’t ready to have me in their lives. I think it’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way it is.
It still is hard for me to open up with people because of the abandonment issues I have and the insecurities I have, and the reactions I continue to take because I’m afraid of heartbreak. I think the reason why I was so happy with Calvin in 8th grade and with life was because I was being. Calvin saw me at such an important time in my life because I felt like I was me—crazy, happy, and satisfied. It’s easy for me to be me at all times with Calvin. But I don’t want to miss out on all my friends who also care and love me because I don’t want to end up like my parents. I want to be able to keep those connections because they are important to me. That is why I am writing this. So you all can know me rather than guess who I am. So I can know me, so I can stop trying to figure out who I am and just be satisfied with myself. Like I’ve heard and continually repeat, “You are your own worst critic.”

However, I think within our selves, myself at least, I believe I have more potential to be a better person. We always question ourselves because we hope that there’s better. And let me say that “better” doesn’t necessarily mean find another partner or person to replace those currently in your life, it’s about time, commitment, communication, growth, and most importantly unconditional love. That is how the nation get stronger, the community gets stronger, the family get stronger, and most importantly, how the soul heals. I am regenerating myself to become a stronger being. So please bear with me in my struggle because I am here with you in yours. I love you all. Cheers!

Day 4: Taking Care of Each Other

We started off the morning with a hot shower together. We didn’t shower for two days because the shower was small and seemed shitty. Luckily, we found a shower on the flight of stairs less taken and it was perfect size for us to be in. There really is something about water that makes us feel better. It’s healing. It’s soothing our souls and washing all the dirt of everyday life. The shower set a good pace for the rest of the day.

We packed our things while chatting with Eric and Regan online for a little. It’s good to update on the goodness of other people’s lives while we’re here too so please update! We went to a Café Restaurant for breakfast. It’s like 9:30 in the morning and Calvin’s having Lasagna; I’m having Chicken Kebab. Kebabs are like gyros, slow roasted meat in a pita. It’s affordable and filling! Definitely made us feel good after our tummies were finally filled with real food.

We headed out toward Brighton! We took the underground to London Bridge to take the National Rail there because the Rail doesn’t run through King’s Cross on weekends. It was expensive! 20 pounds per person which is $40/person for an hour train ride. It was nice though! My first train ride and we got to play a good game of Egyptian Rat Screw (I won) and we a couple of magic tricks later, we were in Brighton!

It’s around 1PM now and we are walking towards the Atlantic Ocean. Brighton’s in Southeast England. It was reminiscent of San Francisco because there was all this gay and lesbian pride and special needs information all over! At the Royal Pavillion, there were street festivals everywhere and music and elephant shaped hedges! A definite good time waiting to happen, but we needed a place to stay!

We searched for a place for 3 hours straight, walking to the seaside, stopping at every house and hotel looking for vacancy and most were booked, others were far too expensive. Calvin wanted to be baller status and drop 100 pounds on just one night, but being the oh-hell-no-unsatisfied Diana, we continued walking up and down hills. The Brighton pier was like Laguna Beach meets San Francisco Castro, SF’s Haight Street, and Newport Beach all splattered together. This was the ideal Norcal meets Socal. If it weren’t for the weather in the Winter, I’d probably want to live here.

In the greatest times of doubt, we must have hope. Calvin called a hotel on Oriental Place. They had one more room left. While he was inside inquiring, I waited outside, mapping out our next route. We headed towards Oriental place. Think about this irony: the only two Asian American people on this island forced to stay on Oriental place! FUCKING COME ON, LIFE!!! But there truly was a reason we were being pushed this direction.

Anyhow, Calvin and I were walking with our entire luggage (9 months worth) in the blazing sun, hungry, dehydrated trick or treating for accommodation. We went back to the visitor center back inland, truly believing that we can still get affordable housing! Honestly, this is very unlikely because it was so late in the afternoon and there were so many weddings and events happening this weekend. On the positive, Calvin and I decided that in a war-ridden time, he and I could count on each other to carry each other’s children on our backs for hours. Dependability is important to us because our families had to escape times of war carrying everything they needed on their backs. Some didn’t make it then because of exhaustion. Survival is endurance.

And we endured like cacti! We passed Oriental place at first because there were chain hotels that seemed promising, but they were disappointing. We headed back to Oriental place and we see this backpackers’ hotel, Baggies, and I inquired within. Val, a grey-haired woman with a kind voice told me she’s out of space. I stayed positive, saying my thank yous, even though I was so exhausted. Then she told me she actually had open spaces for 12 pounds for both of us. I was thrilled! Something felt right. I told Calvin, who was ready to fucking snap!

He went to go ask some other hotels up the street while I waited outside for him. We had a system: one would stay with the bags while the other left to ask. Otherwise, we were with each other 24 hours a day. Val insisted that I came in for tea, put my luggage in the living room, or get some water. I wanted to stay so badly once I got into the house. Calvin came back pissed but Val’s voice helped calm him down. 12 pounds for the both of us, and she let us use her office to sleep.

The three hour excursion was well worth it because Val made us feel so comfortable and welcome. We felt welcome in her home, decorated by the postcards, drawings, and memorabilia of past backpackers. She told us about a fish and chips place called Bankers that was outstanding! By far the best fish and chips in the entire world! Everyone said the food in England was shit, but honestly, it’s the local food that tastes delicious, not the over-priced tourist spots. We had haddock and large cod. They had all kinds of fish, swordfish, salmon, tuna, skate, etc. Tres magnifique! I had two shots of southern comfort with cola and calvin had a Budweiser (calvin speaking: I drank her two shots for her). Get this. One of the side dishes was mushy peas. Hahaha I have no idea why that sounds appetizing at all.

The revelation about the day. Day 4 was a test. A test about us. Calvin and I take care of each other, just like the people in this house, just like the community in Brighton. We learn from each other, and push each other, and guide each other, just like the above. It’s important for the world to take care of each other and be open to each other so that we can all survive. This house has people from Mexico, Germany, the States, and all over the world. We come together, harmonious, united in respect and love, and we’re taking care of each other. I’m happy that I’m here with Calvin, someone who’s been taking care of me since I met him, especially more this summer and these past few days. I am also happy to be around so much beauty, under the same moon and stars and sun with you all. There truly are great and good people in this world who care and want to take care of others as long as we stay open and endure the most trying to times. Believe me, the wait is well worth it. The love that comes at you tastes, feels, smells, looks, and sounds so damn good. Cheers!

Day 3: Something about us

We stayed another night at the goodwood on tavistock. After a small argument, we went to the store so I could make some lunch for the long day ahead. I was ready for a great eventful day! We headed towards the waterloo station in search for the LONDON AQUARIUM! And it was a magnificent day, the sky was clear blue and we were confident about navigating through the city!

We tried doing this 2 for 1 deal that was being offered but it didn’t work out so we stuck it out with the underground, and again, thank gosh for the oyster card! It sure helps cut the wait time in the queues (lines).

After walking out of the waterloo station, we had to regain our grounds. Luckily we were loaded with our handy-dandy maps and calvin is a natural navigator. I insisted it was that way. He said, “It’s that way!” pointing in the opposite direction. “How do you know?!” I whined. “Because of the sun!” he answered confidently! Hahaha I laugh at how knowledgeable he is about the east and west. I mess that stuff up every time, relying on electronic navigation systems; however, I get lost with all those buttons. I admire people who are good at things that I’m not good at because after spending time with them, I learn immensely from them.

We walked passed these theaters and there was a fountain that I got stuck it. I’m sure it was in a movie, but it was a window-shaped fountain and some of the sections wouldn’t spray up so I walked right into the middle of it, and waddyaknow, I got stuck in the middle of a fucking fountain! It was funny and a tourist took a picture of me. Note to tourist: tag me in that on facebook please! Hahaha. We passed a bridge and saw a statue of nelson mendela. The quote underneath read: “my life is my struggle.” I agree, indeed.

We got a little bumbled again and I asked a security officer for some help. His name was Nelson (the irony of it all!). He walked us toward the London eye, and in the direction of the Aquarium. The London eye looks like a giant Ferris wheel except there are no booths that you sit in, you stand in these rooms and you can see all of London. It was enormous!!! I didn’t get on it though because I get trembly on Ferris wheels so this was a no-go. But! Before that, along the sidewalk were some street performers just like those in San Francisco. They require a little tip and they start moving and dancing! There was a wizard, a headless man, a Mickey mouse, a bicycling iguana, and a copper man with long arms.

We got into the aquarium and at first, it was dark and the fish weren’t exciing at all, but when we got to the pacific ocean zone, we were wowed. The brown sharks, and manta rays were huge! There was also a zebra shark and nurse shark that were being petted by some scuba divers searching for teeth. It is interesting watching animals enjoying the same type of attention as our domestic pets. Calvin and I caught on to the end of a feeding tour. We got to se some archer fish spit for their food. We also caught some red-tailed catfish from the Amazon eating their fruits and nuts. They also had an Arrohana that was worth a quarter million pounds which is half a million USD. The reason why they are also known as Chinese monkey fish is because they would jump out of the water and knock a monkey out of the trees, drown it, and eat it. They also had a fish that was privately owned; its owner fed it chocolate biscuits and strawberries.

After the aquarium we had a nice lunch in the sun, we walked across the waterloo bridge and saw Big Ben! It was fenced off and guarded with a man with a gun. That was the first time we saw any of the police officers armed with a gun. Quite contrary the US where every cop is armed with a gun.

After that we decided not to go to Dali Universe and we wanted to go to a sex museum. We walked forever, and stopped at the National Gallery. The admission was free so we figured why not. A great thing about London is that admission is free at certain places like museums. Our feet hurt so much! We spent a few hours looking at paintings from the 1500-1600s. There were a lot of biblical paintings, but the colors were beautiful. My favorite style was oil on poplar, and my favorite painting was The Birth of the Milky Way. I wanted to quit walking but we had a goal, Amora.

We pretty much went from one end of London to the other, on foot! It was bloody awful! I wanted to die and give up. I was tired and hungry and upset, unsatisfied. Calvin and I found it in the Trocadero, but it was closed. I wasn’t mad at all, we just took the Picadilly Circus station back to Russell’s Square so we could sleep!

And sleep we did! We slept until midnight, which is like 4 in the afternoon in the US. Calvin and I laid there, silent. He felt very lost and I listened to his breathing. We held each other, comfortable in every position we moved. “There’s Something About Us” was playing in both our heads. And I must say that there truly is, especially when we can tangle ourselves, intertwine our limbs and still find comfort in each other’s warmth. And we did this for hours, until we faded in and out of sleep, until we started talking about our insecurities, until we were hungry, until we had sex, until we got over it, until we curled together again. And that’s us. A perfect day.

moaning

i talk in moans
because i know you hear me.

you see the lights
swirling around my tits,
hips, and thighs
as i dance in the center
of the dancefloor.

i talk in moans
because i know you hear me,

and you can see them all watching,
scared that i will walk away with
another,
brother,

but i talk in moans
because i only want you to hear me;

in the comfort of our bed
as i strip your jeans down to your legs
and spread mine
so you can see me
hear me
moan
until you hear me
wanting only you.

England 101

Hey all!

I'm in England now. I'm here with Calvin; he's sending me off for the week. I'm going to journal my adventures. So...after getting on the bus from the Heathrow, we ended up in southeast England. We walked around trying to find a place to stay. The first place was Collins House. It was on Ebury street and quite lovely actually. It had free internet and was 50 pounds for one night with free internet access.

I definitely bawled after eating lunch. Note to self: Barbeque sauce in England tastes a lot different than in the US. The toilets are round in shape and the fast food here is delicious. In fact, i think it's rather healthy here. Nothing is really mass produced or steroid injected. Granted America is about comfort. When I saw the toilets and the showers, I questioned why I left America in the first place, but it's easy to adjust and get accustomed. I don't even use lotion here and my hands are still soft! I was definitely spoiled in America, I mean everything's so fucking cheap and the portions are enormous for what we pay for. But I guess that's why England is about portion control and money conservation.

We were looking for a pub forever and The Shakespeare was fucking shady. The bartender wouldn't even fucking answer our questions. Racial discrimination maybe? Who knows. We got to another bar though. The Duke of York. A couple of drinks in and we were good to fucking go. Buzzin' and ready to get going. We went to Sainsbury Local, which is like a Safeway and the people were really nice. We wanted to buy alcohol, but I guess you can't buy alcohol from the store after 11 PM in England. Minorities seemed to be the nicest people thus far here. Maybe because we're all in the same boat. Calvin definitely taught me that the first day when you arrive is made for resting up and getting your grounding. I was really frantic y'know trying to find accommodation and my way around, but I just need to toughen myself up and embrace the culture and people. So I ate my fucking burger and we took a long ass nap due to jetlag.

I'm so grateful that Calvin's here with me. I know I can handle my own, but seeing him maneuver through the city and navigate the trams, etc. shows me an entirely different side of him. He's been independent since an early age and it's friggin admirable. I thought I was independent, but no one truly knows independence until you're in another world. However, he definitely needs me in his life because I have all the inside scoops on cheap tickets and deals so that we're not blowing all our money on ridonculous shiiiiez.

Day 2:
We woke up hella early like 5 Am early. We were starving because we didn't want to blow our money on food. We're starving. Please donate to the Dphuong-is-broke-as-shit-and-wants-to-eat fund. Anyone who knows me, knows that big girl gotta eat and how am I supposed to maintain this thick body without sustenance? hahaha just kidding but not really.

The bathrooms here are ridiculous too. In the females restrooms, the mirrors definitely elongate your figure, making you look a lot thinner than you truly are. I think psychologically, it boosts your confidence. America's so fucking depressed because of weight problems and etc, but I think it's partly the fact that we seek comfort in food. Here, on the other hand, because food is expensive, we eat to fuckin' survive. Like if it's necessary to eat and our stomachs are about prune shaped will we eat.

What else? Everything else! We made it to Picadilly Circushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piccadilly_Circus. It was definitely a good idea to a smaller part of England to get used to things rather than jumping right into the city because it can be so overwhelming. I finally got my traveler's cheques changed to british pounds. So legit. Make sure you find money exchange places that don't take commission that shit will pwn you!

Oh! Also, try to go to the supermarket because they have deals that will help with eating out. We got some chocolate croissants for pence and it helped sustain us or breakfast.


It's beautiful here. The weather is reminiscent of the bay area and it's not too cold. If I start to type with a British accent just ignore it. I swear my vocabulary will skyrocket! Anyway, if you do come to the UK definitely get an oyster cardhttp://www.tfl.gov.uk/tickets/oysteronline/2732.aspx. It's well worth it! The inside fucking scoop on public transportation. The trains and coaches here are just like BART. So legit yeah. Like everything is so close and takes very little time to get around England.

Calvin and I are near King's Cross. We went to The Rocket, a student oriented bar that had cheap drinks and good music.

I think the most beautiful thing I've seen in England is definitely the interacial couples. I've seen British African males with Blondle, blue-eyed women, which would be so taboo in America, yet here's it's readily accepted. No one judges the whiteand black but the asian community is definitely a siter fore sore eyes. I swear people think we're FOBS. And I know that term is very controversial, but shit! We are truly a rare gem in this country! It's nice getting all the attention I s'pose, but man oh man, it's a tad bit uncomfortable at times knowing that people are starin at you.

The Chinese community center here was no help either. It was for people who didn't know how to speak English and could only speak Chinese. I wish it were more inclusive. I want to start an Asian-American center here so Asian-Americans won't feel so excluded.

Anyhow, I'm in the Goodwood Hotel here on Tavistock Place. We were originally going to stay at a hostel, The Generator, but fuck that shit. It was kinda creepy and you can getter better deals talking to the manager of hotels nearby. We are staying in a double basic (basic means without a bathroom in your room and en-suite means your private bathroom) for 20 pounds each person, with breakfast and fucking wifi. Legit? YES!

I miss the states but being away is necessary for my growth, for my independence, and my humbleness to home. We always take America for granted. For a long time I hated being American, and granted, there's a lot of shit wrong with America, but it's a beautiful place to be. No, I'm not becoming more patriotic, but I brought my pocket-sized Declaration of Independence (a handy gift from Vice Chancellor Gomez) and I think I finally understand what our forefathers meant.

I'm still under the same moon, stars, and sun. You ar all in my thoughts and we will meet again at a different point in our lives. I truly love being and I hope you all find that person who can spark that. Mine is sleeping next to me right now. I'm going to go spoon him. Hahaha cheeeeeesy but true! Bye darlings! Until my next adventure!

The I of the Storm

Question: Would you be with someone who was the manager of McDonald's?

Immediately, I responded, "No."

Calvin asked, "Why?" and I said that it was because I was looking for stability and security. He
said that being a manager provides that. He asked, "Are you ashamed?"

I said, "Yes." I argued, "Would you want to be with me if I were the manager of a McDonald's?"

Calvin said, "I would be with you if you had no job. A job is just a job."

::end scene::

I leave, furious, tired, and I sob in the shower. My thoughts:

My eyes swell with the tears of men and women who work day in and day out. How can I feel ashamed? I am a child of a manager of a restaurant and a cook, the food-service sector. I am a granddaughter of a seamstress, a gambler, an addict, a baker, a woman who collects cans. I am a part of a family that cheats the system, that is a part of the system, that enforces that system, and that tries to break it down. How lost I must be to forget that those who struggle every day provide more love than wealth can ever buy! How elitist of me! I have forgotten what got me there. I have pretended to live high end, high class, riding a high horse because I have an education, because I am involved, because I'm studying abroad, because I live in Irvine where the sun shines every day, because I am an intellectual. But who am I?

My hands are no longer callused by the grind, my feet are no longer course, and my eyes have lost sight of the people. I thought having an education would bring me to higher places, but my heart kept leading me back to home. I couldn't figure out why. I knew in my head what was the answer, but I couldn't match my words with my passion and I felt lost. I left Irvine because home felt comforting, home felt welcoming, home felt like where I needed to be to get my head right on track. Why was I so disappointed in myself? Because I, Diana, value love over money any day and had been that way since I fell in love with the stories ofmy grandmother. Because a struggle isn't so lonely when there are others struggling with you.

I imagined myself as some important person who did important things for the community, in a room full of scholars and elite, and if I brought Calvin to this gathering, I imagined how I would feel if he said he was the manager of a McDonald's. Instantly I felt shame. But I can change this. I love him so much that there is no question. Even when people look at us, strangers, they can see how much we love each other. So I can also imagine a moment of embarassment, but that moment can be eradicated by the volume of love I have for him. If his goals are to be there and he puts his whole heart into his job, then who cares? If he does his job well and applies leadership, management, iniative, assertiveness, social skills, customer service, etc to this job then so be it!

I am reminded of SPOP 4 during the Cross the Line discussion. The question posed was "Which statement made an impact on you?" Sonia said that 'Please cross the line if you parents were blue collar workers' was always the most impactful because it helped her remember where she came from and how it's easy to forget that in the daily Irvine life.

I really did lose sight of myself being away from home for so long. I came home from Irvine for a reason. I wanted to be with family and with friends from home. I was lost in my opinions, in my thoughts, in my confidence; I felt obligated to do things rather than feeling happy or wanting to do things. Granted, I was irresponsible about abandoning SPOP, friends, and next year's life because everything is still unfinished. But I am trying to take control of Diana, the I, in order to be prepared for England.

Tonight I was reminded of who I was and who I truly am and want to be. I love.

gold

gold means a lot more to me than a spop color

it means being married,
feeling responsible for children
and their children.

it means setting a pace for them,
a tone and a reason for why
we do the things we do
because it wasn't their tradition.

it means being the liason between how and should:
"you should do this," says the world.
"this is how you do it," I repond.

it means listening,
watching, and being cautious of who i am
so they can be better
because they have the potential to be better.

it means saying goodbye
to the things i knew
to the things i loved
because i want new memories

with you all.

drowning to breathe

i've been neglecting you
because denial is truth,
and ignorance is bliss.i am dying to live.
and living a lie
just ain't living at all.

so here i am,
writing to you,
myself,
the I,
about how happiness
doesn't erase the sad,
the broken,the miserable;
how life still throws tantrums,
is still sexually frustrasted,
is still confused about what to do next,
about where to go,
about who was left behind.
life has obligations
like children,
hungry for attention,
and i abandoned them
to feed myself.

i want to be a shadow
because i am good at being silent,
at distorting,
at mirroring a better image of the three-dimensional world.
i want to be insignificant
because it's easy.

however my dreams lead me back here.
i want to read sad poems,
listen to blues,
watch romantic comedies
that make me happy to be lonely,
and be alone.
so i can finally breathe
reflect on my conscious self
recently set on auto pilot.

is the air above the ocean the only air to breathe?
am i drowning to die?
or drowning to find myself,
god?

Outside In The Loop

I'm importing suj's blog into all of this: http://sujason25.blogspot.com/2008/07/our-role-in-all-of-this.html

i definitely agree with suj in all of this

But is that all? What are we afraid of? The change in ourselves? I hope that we, as returners, challenge ourselves to be better as individuals. Yes, it's about the staff. Yes, it's about the spoppers.

What does it mean to be? We have no idea who we are, and the coords chose us because they saw the potential for growth in us and in the staff. SPOP is about potential and growth. I walk out of every spop feeling more enlightened and conscious of the experiences of other people's worlds. I take every SPOP as a SURPRISE! The spoppers suprise me; my staffers surprise me; and I surprise myself in my ability to learn and grow. THE SURPRISES ARE WHAT MAKES SPOP FUN (for me)! I become more knowledgeable in who I am. I think part of being a returner, besides dropping knowledge and etc, is listening. After returner meeting, it sounded like everyone was trying to go back to their first year experiences, but there really is no going back to our first years. We can only embrace what has happened, feel the jealousy, and utilize every spop as a new surprise, as a new space to learn.

Are we creating too open of a safe space? Yes, you're right; we can't create a bubble for the spoppers but we can show them the potential of what their college experience CAN be. We can tell them that the real world isn't really like this, and we can tell them that it IS what they take from SPOP to help them against the real world. One example: POSITIVITY. I learned in SPOP what it meant to be positive. How do I apply that to my every day life? To remain positive even when the world knocks me down and keep those closest to me closer. We are not the gurus of SPOP and have no idea who is walking through the door and what their comfort levels are especially in two days. No one is going to know anyone in two days. So it's like steppng into the ocean; we need to step back, dip in our toes, and then jump right in if it feels right. It is like a chemical reaction that can't be completed if there is a limiting reactant. We must find the limiting reactant and then the process will be smoother and complete. We aren't going to touch every spopper but it really is that ONE MOMENT that can change a person's day, month, year, or perspective on life. We can be that one moment. We can be there to be the energy too, especially if the staff is tired, or the spoppers are tired, definitely be there to pick up the energy, like how the coords were there for us during trainings. It's not about losing ourselves. It's about exploring other parts of ourselves and strengthening a different facet of who we are. We are getting something out of doing this too. We are becoming versatile and independent rather than depending on other staffers which is a good and bad thing.

Someone brought up spop as an affiliation with no affiliations. And I was brought in with an affiliation. I, personally, feel like Cross the Line has been successful. However, I'm not sure about how effective it has been, especially for the returners. Cross the Line's purpose is to build empathy (if that's the only thing anyone can take from it). From empathy, we can find love and ourselves. Everyone is capable of understanding. Mira was targeted for imposing these conscious ideals on the other coords, but Mira responded with the fact that the other coords are conscious and critical too. For people to ignore the capacity of the other coords does speak lowly of them. And I think for staffers and returners to doubt themselves as critical and conscious speaks lowly of themselves. There are staffers and returners who are aware of the injustices of the world because they have had personal experiences. No one needs to go through diversity training to know what pain feels like, but we should look to those people as a resource to show us what true strength means. I have gone through a lot of trials in my life, and I am glad I can share how I overcame those problems as well as revisit them because it is a humbling experience.

And I'll go back to the dependency on other staffers. I think it's an honor to know that staffers can rely on me as a REACHer, but not every REACHer is critical. I don't know everything. But I also feel like because I am a returner, I talk to a lot of the first years who do feel alone in SPOP. It is good that staffers and come up to me and talk to me about not feeling the splove and about the issues of spop (it makes me feel like a coord). But I feel like I have no team behind me that wants to help, especially when thereare returners saying things like,"It's about the majority's experience, not the minority's." I am the minority, and the team is leaving my experience and knowledge out of the loop.

How can we all be that person without feeling like we're walking on eggshells? I understand that not all of us are that sensitive or are good in those types of situations. I know that I am not that crazy, loud person and I may not be the first person people think about when they think of the word "fun," but I know that I want to work on that. I want to be openly available for all of the staff. I am acknowledging my faults and hoping to fix them to better myself. If people are second guessing themselves because they think that it may offend someone, then maybe it's for a reason. The fact that there is hesitation and questioning at that moment shows us, returners, that we will be accountable for making the "no/yes-go." We need to be accountable for ourselves, and better for ourselves because we have the potential and CAN always be better.

Why stay stagnant? We are all afraid of change on all individual, collective, and institutional levels. However, as we've seen with SPOP, change can be rewarding. I know that I am VERY intimidated to speak in the group, and it's because I feel that my voice is not wanted in the group space, and therefore my concerns aren't implemented on the institutional level. I do have an affect in SPOP and hopefully it's for the good. But where are you returners in that support for change, when you are the ones so resistant to it?

SPNORCAL

I went around 9:30 AM with Ben, Doris, and Isaac. Calvin rode his motorcycle up at the same time so I expected to meet up with him at home.

The drive was relaxing. We took shifts sleeping so the driver wouldn't be lonely. It was nice talking to Isaac when Ben and Doris was sleeping. He and I were talking about being a returner and how it feels in comparison to being a first year. The experience is different because we do take a backseat on the energy, and we are there for the quieter ones. We wait and watch. We have all become creepers I guess. Hahaha and I'm not sure which one is more rewarding: Being the high energy first year staffer pouring all this information into our spoppers, or watching all the knowledge you drop come to life, and just chill! I personally choose the latter.

It was extremely cold, but hanging out with Ben, Isaac, and Doris for the evening was really cool. We went to Wonderful Foods which had bomb boba! I got pineapple juice with lychee jelly. We decided to go eat at Banana Island, but we took a quick break at a party warehouse type of place to do some whacky things. We got dressed up and made weird faces and I laughed so hard, like in my gut kind of laugh. After dinner I took BART back home.

The next day we all met up Fisherman's Wharf. Let me say that riding on the back of a motorcycle in the city is a MUST DO for everyone! Riding across the bridge feels so free and different. You get to experience the cool of the bay and the minimal heat of the SF sun. Anyhow, Calvin and I had a really good talk that helped us have a great rest of the day.

At Fisherman's Wharf it was great seeing familiar faces in my hometurf. It was my ideal: Calvin, the bay, SPOP. That's what home should always feel like. For the first time in two years, I felt like I was home because I had everything I needed. My norcal and socal lives were combined in this one weekend and I felt free to be myself.

We flash mobbed, saw art, stayed up late, talked, and most importantly, laughed. I fell in love and it didn't end there.

The next morning I went to pick up Jeremy and Doris; we were the first car to head back down to socal. Luckily we missed all the car accidents and traffic so phew! Let me just say that I have always wanted a close friend in SPOP and Doris Su could be the one. Not to say that all the peope I love and adore aren't my close friends, but that one person y'know who has got your back and vice versa. Doris made me feel like a returner and like a human being. My experiences in college with Derek paralleled hers and I could only give her advice on how to sort her situation out. I was glad that I could because during Ask an Anteater, a father asked, "What do you regret?" And my instinct was to say Derek. Not because I didn't learn from him, but I think I could've MAXIMIZED my time if I weren't attached to anyone. However, I am thankful that he was in my life at that time. I told her that deep down in our hearts, we know what we want, and sometimes people have to close ONE door in order to open five more. And for the first ime I understand what it means to do those things.

Deep down in the pit of my heart I know I want to be with Calvin forever. I know that I want to have fun and be free. I want to live. And I am going to try everything I can to maintain what I want now and work on it every day. Calvin and I are like the movie The Notebook; I'm Allie and he's Noah...except I am Diana and he's Calvin. This is such a big chapter of my life--SPOP, England, Calvin--because I am doing things that I want to do without feeling like I should be held down. I am embracing it and all the people who are in my life.

Doris helped me with the SPOP part of my life. I am still very scared to go out to things and to talk to people, especially the returners. But even though I don't talk to them--Omar, Phil Lee, Hannah, Jungle, Shahirah (mostly purple years)--I definitely think about them and talk about them in such high regard and look to them to push me to be a better returner. As a teal year first year staffer who knew nothing of the program, everyone kept talking about how amazing purple was and it was really hard to live up to whatever purple year did. And it's not to say that they didn't hold it down, but the mixture of purple and teal returners this year are really handling it. i was talking to eman and the coords, staff, and returners are a three tier force that are not to be reckoned with! we will take everyone down with our passion to change the woooorld! ::dramatic music ends::

no, but seriously, i'm really happy that the coords are close to the staff, the returners' hearts are in the right places, no one is tryng to overshadow anyone, just spreading love and wisdom; and the first year staffers are so pumped and taking everything to the next level.

i am so privileged to be alive right now. I am glad to be in this lifetime.

i can't thank anyone enough for sharing with me, loving me, listening to me, and helping me grow to be a better person. I am internally and eternally grateful.

I Found Myself in Sierra

SPOP 4: Show Stoppin' Sierra or, secretly, Sierra[r] Breasts!

Staff: I was CP, Sonia, Jayme, Jade, Theresa, Ladi, and Wes as my returner.

This week has been the craziest week for me. I've had SPOP 2, SPOP 3, midterms, SPnorcal, SPOP 4, and finals. I was the CP for Show Stoppin' Sierra; it was an all girl hall. 35 girls. So again, I CPed and this was by far, the scariest moment of my life. I was sooooo nervous and doubted my abilities. I didn't think I was adequate for the position. I kept checking in with the coords and told them I was a failure. I couldn't stay positive; I was tired, and I didn't know my staff very well. Negativity and doubt shrouded my mind. I kept what Omar sent out in my tohughts though. He said, " NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AS A STAFFER! You're here for a reason." It's true, and I wanted to find out what it was. Finding out who I was as a staffer was my biggest challenge.

During CP meeting, we were all like, "FUCK! Hardest group of TFCs! Hardest group ever!" But we were all determined to break 'em doooown! My staff kept me going even when the spoppers didn't seem that into it. Ladi kept such positive energy with her huge smile and optimism; Sonia and Theresa inspired and maintained the energy throughout the entire time; Jayme is that creeping good feeling that pops up and giggles; Jade was so chill and helped us see what having a good ime and being ourselves meant; and Wes kept us laughing and kept me pushing for more. Seriously I could not have done it with any other staffers. It really was meant to be for all of us to staff together. Wes said that we were all so selfless and I can only agree how much of our hearts were into making our Sierrans feel like they belong at UCI. Our drive to empower, inspire, and awe shined through.

The night before, when everyone went to Cha, I was in the RA room talking to Jade and Jesus about life. Kim walks in asking if I had a shower cap. I called Eman, and couldn't get a hold of one. She had holes in her ear drums because of a prolonged ear infection. So I decided to get creative because she couldn't have any water in her ear! I took a ziplock bag, cut it in half the two pieces would each be ziplocked at the top. I taped the open parts so that her ear would fit just right and taped it all around her ear so that no water could get through. Or at least minimal water. During the touch game, Kim thanked me for doing this little thing that meant so much to her. I was telling Calvin earlier this morning that if we put ourcreative energies into something positive, the outcome could be lasting and so much more rewarding. (He was airing out a water bottle to put his blunts in, so they wouldn't get crushed. Ingenious!) Calvin agreed and understood (Gosh I love him!).

At the dance party, this was the first time all the music was in sync and we finally got American Pie to work too. It was ridiculous! Everyone was dancing and all our Sierrans had their diamonds in the sky, dancing together as a group. It felt like a mini EDC simulation. I felt like I was on top of the world just watching everyone have a great time! When we did American Pie, no one got hur we all laughed and were sweaty. Then we said our thank yous to the coords and I could almost cry! Afterward we held hands and ran straight down toward the third level. It was in this dance party momnt that we really syncheda lot of the doubters and show them that UCI can be fun even if it means putting on some music via car speakers and just dancing in the parking lot. Even I felt connected with the hall. We had a mixer with Camino and there were good laughs and I stayed up writing my staff notes and taped them to their shirts.

Anyway, I must say that I feel like we succeeded with most of the ladies. During the touch game, I thought of all the potential my spoppers have to make the world amazing because they are all beautiful and strong women who deserve anything they put their hearts into. Simultaneously my thoughts were consumed by my staff and how beautiful they are for making the magic, bearing their hearts, empowering me, and making my job easier by handling all the different types of girls--the sporty, the spunky, the girly, and the quiet ones. The variety was similar to those random people who ride on roller coasters. for that moment when we finish going through all the loops, dips, and corkscrews, we feel flushed, relieved, and ready to do it again.

This time for the touch game, I sat with the ladies on the ground. Maybe it was the intensity of the emotions, or my weariness, but I could not stop crying. It felt like it did SPOP 3 of last year. It felt like I was challenged to find myself and find the spoppers, and for this first time this year, I felt like I finally staffed the shit out of the hall. I was so vulnerable and came out stronger. I was telling my staff that I was happy we didn't know each other because we weren't overshadowed by any of the other loud staffers. We held it down on our own and blew everyone away!

I don't know how to express the pride I feel to be a woman and to be a part of a program that gives people the confidence and courage to do amazing things. A spopper said to Sonia that her family didn't approve of dancing as a passion, but after she saw Sonia dance, she wants to audition and try out for a team. It's those moments of inspiration that bring us back to where we came from.

I am thankful for the women in my life who inspire me, who push me to be in a better place than they were. Wes said, in the big group discussion, "Every man should be able to staff at least an all girls hall because they will teach you." And it's true. I thank the men in our lives who fight and struggle with the women. Calvin is definitely with me in this struggle for equality and I'm really happy that I have someone who understands that.

So when in the morning when I revealed myself as the CP of Sierra, I said, "Today is the first day of their lives."

And by the end of it, I think I ended up having my entire life changed. I am different walking out of that hall. I am stronger as a staffer and as a woman. The struggles of today are the changes of tomorrow.