drowning to breathe

i've been neglecting you
because denial is truth,
and ignorance is bliss.i am dying to live.
and living a lie
just ain't living at all.

so here i am,
writing to you,
myself,
the I,
about how happiness
doesn't erase the sad,
the broken,the miserable;
how life still throws tantrums,
is still sexually frustrasted,
is still confused about what to do next,
about where to go,
about who was left behind.
life has obligations
like children,
hungry for attention,
and i abandoned them
to feed myself.

i want to be a shadow
because i am good at being silent,
at distorting,
at mirroring a better image of the three-dimensional world.
i want to be insignificant
because it's easy.

however my dreams lead me back here.
i want to read sad poems,
listen to blues,
watch romantic comedies
that make me happy to be lonely,
and be alone.
so i can finally breathe
reflect on my conscious self
recently set on auto pilot.

is the air above the ocean the only air to breathe?
am i drowning to die?
or drowning to find myself,
god?