The I of the Storm

Question: Would you be with someone who was the manager of McDonald's?

Immediately, I responded, "No."

Calvin asked, "Why?" and I said that it was because I was looking for stability and security. He
said that being a manager provides that. He asked, "Are you ashamed?"

I said, "Yes." I argued, "Would you want to be with me if I were the manager of a McDonald's?"

Calvin said, "I would be with you if you had no job. A job is just a job."

::end scene::

I leave, furious, tired, and I sob in the shower. My thoughts:

My eyes swell with the tears of men and women who work day in and day out. How can I feel ashamed? I am a child of a manager of a restaurant and a cook, the food-service sector. I am a granddaughter of a seamstress, a gambler, an addict, a baker, a woman who collects cans. I am a part of a family that cheats the system, that is a part of the system, that enforces that system, and that tries to break it down. How lost I must be to forget that those who struggle every day provide more love than wealth can ever buy! How elitist of me! I have forgotten what got me there. I have pretended to live high end, high class, riding a high horse because I have an education, because I am involved, because I'm studying abroad, because I live in Irvine where the sun shines every day, because I am an intellectual. But who am I?

My hands are no longer callused by the grind, my feet are no longer course, and my eyes have lost sight of the people. I thought having an education would bring me to higher places, but my heart kept leading me back to home. I couldn't figure out why. I knew in my head what was the answer, but I couldn't match my words with my passion and I felt lost. I left Irvine because home felt comforting, home felt welcoming, home felt like where I needed to be to get my head right on track. Why was I so disappointed in myself? Because I, Diana, value love over money any day and had been that way since I fell in love with the stories ofmy grandmother. Because a struggle isn't so lonely when there are others struggling with you.

I imagined myself as some important person who did important things for the community, in a room full of scholars and elite, and if I brought Calvin to this gathering, I imagined how I would feel if he said he was the manager of a McDonald's. Instantly I felt shame. But I can change this. I love him so much that there is no question. Even when people look at us, strangers, they can see how much we love each other. So I can also imagine a moment of embarassment, but that moment can be eradicated by the volume of love I have for him. If his goals are to be there and he puts his whole heart into his job, then who cares? If he does his job well and applies leadership, management, iniative, assertiveness, social skills, customer service, etc to this job then so be it!

I am reminded of SPOP 4 during the Cross the Line discussion. The question posed was "Which statement made an impact on you?" Sonia said that 'Please cross the line if you parents were blue collar workers' was always the most impactful because it helped her remember where she came from and how it's easy to forget that in the daily Irvine life.

I really did lose sight of myself being away from home for so long. I came home from Irvine for a reason. I wanted to be with family and with friends from home. I was lost in my opinions, in my thoughts, in my confidence; I felt obligated to do things rather than feeling happy or wanting to do things. Granted, I was irresponsible about abandoning SPOP, friends, and next year's life because everything is still unfinished. But I am trying to take control of Diana, the I, in order to be prepared for England.

Tonight I was reminded of who I was and who I truly am and want to be. I love.

gold

gold means a lot more to me than a spop color

it means being married,
feeling responsible for children
and their children.

it means setting a pace for them,
a tone and a reason for why
we do the things we do
because it wasn't their tradition.

it means being the liason between how and should:
"you should do this," says the world.
"this is how you do it," I repond.

it means listening,
watching, and being cautious of who i am
so they can be better
because they have the potential to be better.

it means saying goodbye
to the things i knew
to the things i loved
because i want new memories

with you all.

drowning to breathe

i've been neglecting you
because denial is truth,
and ignorance is bliss.i am dying to live.
and living a lie
just ain't living at all.

so here i am,
writing to you,
myself,
the I,
about how happiness
doesn't erase the sad,
the broken,the miserable;
how life still throws tantrums,
is still sexually frustrasted,
is still confused about what to do next,
about where to go,
about who was left behind.
life has obligations
like children,
hungry for attention,
and i abandoned them
to feed myself.

i want to be a shadow
because i am good at being silent,
at distorting,
at mirroring a better image of the three-dimensional world.
i want to be insignificant
because it's easy.

however my dreams lead me back here.
i want to read sad poems,
listen to blues,
watch romantic comedies
that make me happy to be lonely,
and be alone.
so i can finally breathe
reflect on my conscious self
recently set on auto pilot.

is the air above the ocean the only air to breathe?
am i drowning to die?
or drowning to find myself,
god?