4th chakra: air

we were in the city happily sliding down the grass in a train, feet and legs wrapped over the person's lap. it was me, mo, fiona, and someone else. a sibling...becka turned andy or maybe even kat. we were going somewhere...somewhere fun. but then, a white hearst with 5 coffins in it appears. one of which enclosed my father. instead of calling it a cemetery, it was called a memoratorium. we walked into the place. mo said, "no, diana i don't do well in this silence." and you look out to see this giant land, kinda like looking over the bay area from the top of wild cat canyon, except everything was grey and randomized locations of graves, or memorials like la pere lachaise. and i wailed in both dimensions from the deepest pits of my heartache brokenness, stitches ripped open and dark matter flooding through. wail wail wail. the sound of an ambulance....

at first all i could think about was my grampa and my mother. this is how she felt when her father died and all her pain zapped through to me via umbilical cord because she knew i could handle it. my gift is holding burden. if you've never been heart broken, i think the closest thing to that is death of a loved one. maybe mine is still sore and a trigger will set the tears rolling, but i haven't cried like that since my dream about calvin.

as above, so below...i must understand that death in this world is a death somewhere greater...a star explosion, and that explosion affects other stars in the galaxy..or maybe the star explosion is my heart and what is left is dust....part of the universe

sometimes it feels like we're trapped into the forms that we have been born into....stars...bodies..hearts...all bounded but we strive to feel free...sometimes freedom comes in the form of loss.

tao te ching 11:

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.

someone said to me, "souls aren't solid but you can solidify your acceptance of your soul"

sometimes i am left with no words...just feeling....i feel.....

after one week in my house,

it is very hard for me to say i have a plan. since i've been home, there has been a lot of pressure about what my future plans are after i graduate. honestly, i don't have anything past september when spop is done. yes, money is a factor but i can't let money hold me down from what i want to do. no, i don't want to work right after because i just want a break.

things are blurry because living in the hypothetical is an unpromising phantasy. for the first time, the university can't promise me a job, stability, continued education, or anything else that i am really excited about. i am not there yet and i don't feel like saying one thing and doing another. yes, i can lie but i would prefer not to.

i have long term and short term plans. long term: get a master's eventually have a career in something i am passionate about and continue in loving-kindness.

someone said to me, "live and be truthful to yourself. that's all you can do. But go all out. Do something and do it the best you can."

my anger and frustration is double-sided. i am angry with everyone worrying about me, all the noise. i am also frustrated with myself because i don't know. i don't have a plan i don't have a plan i don't have a plan all i know is i want a break! EVERYONE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!

in a walk to remember, mandy moore said that she doesn't want to be mad at god. and i don't want to be upset with the universe because there is no point in me being upset. what is the point of living if i'm going to be pissed off? so i decided a long time ago that i didn't want to be anything but living in the moment.

and for the moment i have no answers just going with the flow and trusting in whatever is planned for me (even if it sucks).

528 Hz

when the future is bleak
and i am shackled
to cubicle walls
matrix laws and
wanting gravity
to consume my core

you whisper in prayer
guide in songs of dawn
and i surrender
to the light
clothed in mer-ka-ba
and follow the path

a second chance...

to live one vibrational energy

thank you,
omniverse

dreamwalker

he leads me through a vendor fair

i see: white flags bannered
and lined with yellow coord
green design in the middle,
leather belts, purses, shoes,
incense, sage burning for clarity,
children attached to bungee coords
jumping on trampolines,

life

he picks up a conch
looks at me, says,
"this reality..."
and blows at the shell

it smokes away and glitters
"is just an illusion"

this isn't love

gramma never had to break up with him
or go though the healing process that I did

i find my mind grasping for tangible markers:
buddha books, notebooks, meditation music, sun salutations

all left under my bed in my apartment
my safe space to be

without extra noise from gramma,
asking me to call him to hang out,

to pretend we are okay again.
o-kay, cantonese for home, we aren't.

above waking eyes, she insists that she call
and ask if he has a girlfriend!

no, i didn't ask for this.
he doesn't want me.

our fates aren't tied.
i break it down for her. i break up with her for him

echoing someone i've heard before...
she blames my unsettled heart

and i feel her anger attacking my inner
fleeting soul goddess i am

this isn't love, this is choosing sides
obviously, she chose him

and he chose another girl
and i chose me.

the dawning of the sun

when the world sleeps i can hear my thoughts in full stream.

so i've been scared of leaving home..yeah irvine has become my home away from home. if not, more of a home than the bay because i grew up the most here. independently from my family and dependently on my friends and mentors. dependency has been a challenge. within my core being i don't feel special, don't feel like i deserve to be loved. since i have been here though, i have made more friends than i have in my entire life back at home. i have found more people with the same values as i do who continue striving to make the world a better place. because of that, i am scared to show any signs of love and say goodbye, scared to finish my personal statement, and ask "who am i?" because the truth is...i truly am happy here.

i am trying to put the sweet in the bitterness of these lasts. i'm not a very reminiscent person because of my beliefs in time and usually because i have no one to reminisce with and i'm sorry i don't list peoples names individually and tell you exactly what you've done for me. those are my flaws and i'm working on that. know that as i write this note, images of people come flashing through my mind and these are the images i will hold in my heart wherever i go. and i also know that it's hard for me to use other verbs besides love but i can't help it....love has consumed my heart and i love love love. Brisa, SPOP, CCC, SMLI, REACH, VDC, Briarwood, UCI, Aldrich Park, the OC. i feel and am blessed, feel proud to have taken this path, to be loved and to love....to love and be loved in return...yeah...nothing gets better than this. thank you for the big hoohah!

ahx

Has anything you've done made your life better?

meditate on that.