drafting life

All of the current events have been triggering anger, violence, frustration....fear. I've been thinking a lot about the Asian American community and where we stand. UCI is unique because we have Asian Americans who are rich and generationally established and we also have Asian Americans who are first-generation, not financially stable, and greatly affected by all these cuts/increases/racism/etc. And is the model minority myth affecting the lack of participation as well?

As a first-generation student, I'm getting my education for my parents. Yes, for myself, but mostly this degree is for my parents. It's for their pride, for the false promise of getting a higher paying job, for a false promise of moving up the socio-economic ladder, for all these imaginary things. I know my parents are proud of me. I know they want more than anything else my happiness as priority. That's it. It's simple. But why can't I break free? Is it because I have internalized these phantasies? The model minority myth too?

My friend asked me what I want from all of this. I can't say "change" because it encompasses so much. Immediately, I thought about my child. Our children. I want my kid to live in a world where they can play and be free, but not be blind to world. Yet, I don't want to live in fear. Probably more likely, I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to be afraid that my child will go outside to play with friends and get shot. I want a community which will support all of our children. There are communities that don't have that at all, who are pushed to the fringes because of red lining, gentrification, lack of education and access, etc.

I want my child to have love. Nothing in the world matters except love. With the post civil rights integration band-aid ripping off, there are wounds that have not properly healed. build up, gunk, puss, just all kinds of bad nasty. fear. and what is it that we're afraid of? are we afraid of our own capacity to love? are we afraid of being honest and being rejected? are we afraid of not living up to the legacy? am I afraid to hurt again?

am i afraid to hurt again? this is it. to hurt: to feel hurt and to hurt another. being in a relationship in which one thinks they're in love can be dangerous because that love can accept so much violence. love can't be possession, nor jealous. we must be able to communicate, and work together to reach a common goal. for us to be good again, to understand. Yes, I am using the relationship as a microcosm of a movement. Why? Because I was driving home from the protests, and in the car next to me, a mother and her two little girls were on their way home too. Getting older, means selfishness and paradoxically selflessness. You give and do everything for your child. Sometimes that means not putting your body at risk or your life in the line for a global cause because there are helpless people depending on you. people who are small, who are pure joy, who are the only cause you'd die for. they depend on you, need you, require you to be there.

my life after calvin has been a love affair. I want to live life with myself, create a new routine, re-invent my being, embrace my being, adopt new hobbies to fill the time....and i got really involved with the revolution because it's a revolution for myself too. all very fitting. in these past 8 months, i've sealed, cemented, cautioned tape every aspect of my heart and only opened it to people who made me feel safe. I think i don't even trust my heart anymore and invested more time in my head. thinking, thinking....partly because it's too unstable to exist by feeling. and even my love for the revolution got me into this strange, grey state....

the moment i jumped back into the protests, i was overwhelmed by all the emotion, i had to step away. it wasn't so much as i was betraying the students, or turning my back from the cause, but really taking a step back so i can see what it is we're trying to accomplish. the system seems so much bigger than i can understand at this moment. there are people invested into the system, invisible hands we can't even see. that's a scary thought. so when all else fails, i call my parents. and as a natural reaction, i cry.

it is in these moments of smallness that i understand what it feels like to surrender. my mom picks up and she asks me about adult things...bills, mail, school. i ask her if i can talk to dad instead, and of course, she feels rejected but laughs it off. my dad consoles me. my mom i can hear in the background facilitating the conversation. she whispers, "ask her 'how are you?'" he parrots the parrot. i tell him: i don't know what i'm doing, every time i feel like i'm an adult, i realize that i know nothing. what am i doing, dad? when do i know i'm an adult? he says to me, "when you're walking on the straight path, and you realizes it's wrong, then you take the path that curves." he didn't need to read Frost to know that. "What about school?" I whine. He says, "If school doesn't make you happy, then don't go to school. If it's too hard then drop out." Crying in the drizzle, I realize that this life that I live down here isn't hard at all. I don't know struggle the way I did when I was younger, working in the restaurant, being in high school, actually being helpless, having nothing. and it is in this nothingness that i feel whole, that i feel a part of a greater world. Again, he asks me if I need money. and I ask him if he needs money. And that's it. we say goodbye.

happiness changes when you're older. for me, it means being a kid again...feeling free and being invincible....laughing from the hallows of my belly. i want to get to this point. to this world. i'm tired of fighting. i hated fighting and arguing in my family. i decided to change that, say i love you, hug, tell people i miss them, encourage wellness in exercise and healthy eating habits....to breathe...meditation. my revolution is a love movement...that goes beyond all these social constructions. love bleeds into all particles...all frequencies...maybe this is a phantasy too...

3:19 innerconnectedness

note to self: blessed to be surrounded by people who love me, challenge me, and keep me growing.

for a long time, i had a feeling that signs were being put in front of my face and i kept jabbing for some clarity but missed it by a second, or my mind was really foggy and just couldn't wake up...

dreamwalking....purple clouds and pink trees...red, green, blue...parallel worlds, leaving clues for myself and laughing at myself. it's so easy...the truth lies in here and you can't seem to find it...people..blurs of people...flashing crowds and laughter....the ocean is near because i can hear the rain crashing on its waves....it's safe here...quiet...when all the world is sleeping without me...

goosebumps...be the love...note taking on what is being said. there is so much information coming in that i must get it out. virtual vomit this blogging. perked. awake...i'm a pervert. we must go through these things to build character, for a reason...there must be a reason why we survived. what could that reason be? and could we fight for it?

think of the children. a space womb. wow a universe within me. triangular spiraling both in and out....imagine a triangular shaped slinky within a regular slinky. genius. foot step...it is the first foot step.

you can tell the size of a man's penis by the pitch and tone of his urine going into a toilet bowl. however, the only way to be sure is to touch it. for your self.

and then strap it on to use on another. preferably give it to someone who can fluid change roles. robots. i am a robot with a human face, or so i'd like to believe...or present. are you a robot? with a human face? let me touch? can i see it?

why are these children's voice in my head again? who's children are these? there is a boy and a girl. both are white. brown hair, light yes and hold them, then you'll know. jerk 'em awake or they jerk you.

peace of mind

the smell of blood and dirt
the sight of clouds and smoke
screams and wails for lost loves
the scrapes on my cheeks
the palms of my hands, my knees
and the pulsing of my heart,
places that have hit the ground
trying to heal itself, throbbing
I've got to keep running,
or get trampled upon...

the wanting of my lungs
the push and pull of air
instinctive, primal
naive....

god, i understand
i am alive

11:11PM

We both fit on the couch lying pieced together. His toes tap my elbow; the top of my foot scoops his butt. He explores the person he is waiting to become in one hand. He reads out loud from The Little Prince, "It took me a long time to understand where he came from." This is how we share hours of ourselves.

hoorah!

today i got my rejection email from UMD. at first it stung. not because i thought i was going to get into school, but the realization that grad school was my safety net all along and now that it's no longer an option for fall 2010, it's time to walk the talk.

no lie, spop interviews, reach, ava, and school are really taking a toll on me. i've got stamina but back to back to back to back is killer. i mean...NOW, i know tired. However, this email brought me back to the core of my believes. sometimes it takes a broken heart to be an open heart. so i was absorbing everything potential spop staffers were saying: live your life to the fullest, it takes one person to change your life, stay positive and learn from your mistakes, and etc.

these are all things i knew before but it's time to apply it to a real world framework...and it feels good to be free. seriously, freedom=my own time to do what i want to do...kinda like summer...but every day...though i'm sure graduates will tell me that it gets old fast. i'm pretty juiced to relax and read read read read read read read paint read....

so many doors...time to take a walk :]