Chapter 1: SPOP thoughts so far

I just got off gmail video chat with jhust. he re-opened my heart, reminded me of how i got here, why I am here.

so let me just say that it's been extremely difficult for me to blog about SPOP. Maybe it was a pride thing, maybe I thought I was done with it and just couldn't get myself to open up, get excited, get hyped about what is right in front of me. Now, I see just how blessed I am to watch growth of the staff.

first off, let me say that it was hard for me to feel the splove. despite being a coord, i'm still a peer trying to learn names, and learn people's experiences. It's really overwhelming for me and I do a lot better one-on-one. when i am at training though, i'm definitely present, definitely in the here and the now, but like someone said at our first training, know that there is a support network of spop staffers who will be down to hang out and kick it and support. admittedly, i haven't sought that out but i'm happy to know that i could if ever i am down from that SPOP training high. Do you know what i mean? I mean...SPOP has always been a trigger for my bipolar. It is extremely high energy during trainings and during the time we spend with each other, maximum adrenaline rushes. Yet, once I leave training and I go to certain low-key spoptics, or just come straight home, it's like i am drenched in loneliness. and we have spop contact cards for a reason, and spopbook, and spoproulette, and spoptics....so we can bond and make friends and meet new people, and be together because we all get lonely sometimes. it helps to know that i'm not alone, but i've definitely got to put out the effort to meet new and more people, and REALLY engage because every person I meet has the potential to be my friend. i am going to try to break out of my comfort zone.

I remember being a first-year spop staffer and remembering everyone's names (facebook stalker status) because i really believed that we could all be friends. it was a hard lesson to learn knowing that i couldn't be friends with everyone, but a really valuable lesson in quality over quantity. tim pannara brought this up in training already and it hits right at home because i truly love the close friends i've made here at uci, and some of these close friends I would not have met had it not been for spop. it has been one of the most influential programs that shaped who i am today. and all the lessons that we are learning--positivity, maximizing, pay it forward--needs to be integrated into my being and put into action because at one point in my life, i believed these mantras. now, i will live these mantras.

it wasn't until i had a conversation with jhust that i realized where i am in relation to everyone else. i am right here where i started. because at the core of who i am, my heart can only grow bigger. love expands and i feel immense joy seeing staff. i must admit that i love this program because it has the potential for process. no, the program is not perfect, and that's what makes it perfect every year. because the potential for it to be challenged, changed, shaped to the needs of the staff for that year. and this year, given the context of the program ucsd, the state of education, and our nation, training needed to be rehashed because we needed this holistic healing. one of the challenges of being coord is feeling removed from staff. i don't think any of my relationships are as strong as they could be and i would like to know how people are doing. i would like to see them more than once a week. i would really like to know what it is that the staffers need in order to make sure they are fully maximizing their time and we are maximizing our time too.

seriously, people have asked me, "How's SPOP going?" I've always replied, "It's actually a lot easier than I thought it would be."

Part of that easy is because i have some bomb ass co-coords who have been pretty much on the same wave-length most of the process through. choosing a color and a quote is simple. talking about how we felt about certain issues has been simple. and i think that because we have immersed ourselves in the complexities of social issues that we can really appreciate and understand simplicity. for a long time, i questioned why i even was a coord because i don't do shit! i can't even send out an email without having to resend all the correct info three times over. i am honored to work with some of UCI's finest. big big big things and it's only just begun! thank you all!

our returners are wow! so glad that they were revealed early because they are showing their potential every day with their families and make everything super easy for the coords. gah! the returners ARE the magic! every time the returners are present they remind how much TRUST I have for them. I would trust these people with the entire program actually because they've got it down. no doubt about it. i just hope they are coming in surprised and learning just as much about themselves as they did as a first-year. their video is soooo hilarious!!! ramon did such a great job editing and all the skits were original! and from a returner to a returner, i have so much respect for their abilities to really bring the energy, the noise, the friendliness, their laughter, their hearts, and their love to this program again. wow wow wow wow wow i bow down to their power! no lie, i'm pretty intimidated too but i'll try to get over my insecurities because the returners are human too!

and the first-year staffers....wow...people have asked what i was looking for in the staffers I chose. this is what did it for me: 1) my gut--the coords, mike, and jill always said that you just know and i really trusted my gut instinct and there were some people who just spoke to you. your body calls to them and you go with that calling. 2) my personal reasons for choosing the staff was that most of these people on staff now have been broken, hurt, rejected,dented...because those bruises make us real, make us human, make us survivors, make us reach deeper and beyond our selves. for the first time, i saw this. during cross the line training, one of the statements was "cross the line if you didn't feel like you belonged on staff." a majority of our staffers crossed. mel brought up in debrief that that meant we were doubting our selves; it is about self-love. and this is exactly part of the healing process i hoped we would go through as a staff. we are all healing...whether it be each other and/or with ourselves, we are healing from those broken hearts, those losses, and those bruises. by the end of the program, i hope people (myself included), we realize how much potential we do have, how much fun we can have while still being critical, how much we are enough for our selves and in the eyes of our spoppers, and how we are the way we are because we went through all the hardships. we are beautiful.

the first-year staffers blow my miiind! every time we do a debrief, the things people say exceed anything i could ever imagine. they are wise beyond their years and i forget that most are second and third years. i just think everyone is a fourth year because they are right their in that developmental stage. they are dropping knowledge everywhere! i mean returners are holding it down, no doubt, but first-years are HOOOOT! and i know that we are all developing. i am still insecure and still very shy and still not as loud as i can be but maaan i remember how much of a rush it was to just trust the returners and go with the flow and feel the energy of the surprises and feel the energy of the new friends around you. this is only a sliver. there are still many voices who haven't been heard. In the two trainings left, I look forward to listening to the staff, my peers, my friends share more of their thoughts and experiences. The best part is that there is so much more--two trainings, SPOP house, 8 SPOPs and 2 tranfer successes, and SUMMER!!! (oh and my fixed gear so I can be sexy AND save the planet! Yes!)...

and it's hard for me to tell you who i am because most of the people who know me, see me as super involved and blah blah blah...but jhust reminded me who I am under all those layers of labels. I've always been diana, dphuong, who cries for hours and hours and hours because she is so filled with emotion, who will tell you to follow your heart no matter how scary, to immerse yourself in experience (then embrace and critique it to make that experience better for the next generation), who is not afraid to make a new friend, who is scared, loud, excited, crazy, etc. i am my heart and i hope to share my love with everyone. i hope i am doing enough justice by paying it forward.

all of this came after having a spop 3 soultero reunion that thy put together! as a cp, i totally failed at putting these events but i'm extremely blessed to have people who can take that initiative in my failings. the fact that someone was tearing up after our goodbyes in our short little hang out reminded me how much one person can influence each other in such a short amount of time. this is the power of spop. my spoppers have always been the source of my inspiration. they ARE the purpose. I volunteered and felt the SPLOVE the moment I laid eyes on them. They push me to do better because i am pushing them to take full advantage of their college experience too. we are all pushing each other forward toward our potentials.

and to the people who have graduated and whom i continually admire from teal and gold, i am so proud of you all living your values. thank you for seeing me as that freshperson teal year and loving me, accepting my crazy nonsenseness...thank you for being my mentors and imparting your wisdoms onto me. and to the people who have many roads ahead, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey, thank you for inspiring me to do my work the best i can do, thank you for reminding me that we are all in the same boat. i'm scared. i'm overwhelmed. i'm excited. i'm proud. and i am a part of the Student Parent Orientation Program at UCI.

Thanksgiving

The cops left to file their reports.
We cleaned up what the burglars left.
It was Thanksgiving:

The air was bitter,
There was turkey on the table,
And our family was together.

Normally, comfort was confined
Within white walls, prosperity banners,
Silence, and Clorox.

The computer, video games,
And Chinese dramas
Were our escapes from ourselves. But Mom

Made us fold laundry in the living room
While she mopped the floors.
Even after the wash, her apron smelled
Of soybean oil from the restaurant.

This year it felt enough for us—
Mom’s only day off—
And yet, in the dark of my parents' room,

I witnessed Mom crying into her hands—
The same hands that worked
For twenty-years-worth of savings

And placed them confidently in
Her closet-safe. I
Walked backwards, toward the kitchen into

The hallway, held my breath, so she couldn't
Hear me. And I kept my mouth shut,
So no one heard her.