afraid of the dark

If my mind is as spacious as the sky of pink, orange, gold, teal, and purple, blue, and so onwardly as the spectrum of light allows, a form-less continuum with scattered thought clouds big clouds, rain clouds, clouds lined in clarity, passing by, then my greatest fear is the night overwhelmingly covered by the stars, a lonely shiver in the reflection of Diana, whose inscutable hunt in the oak echoes nothing, no one, but her own footsteps.

viva la revolucion

i want a revolution. i am a revolution. i will revolutionize. it is happening. it is coming and it is more necessary than ever. no i may not be original. no i may not be talented. but something is speaking, someone is speaking, and it needs to get out, needs to be tangible for all to see. it is detrimental to have imagination, to have wonder, and i refuse to be stifled by this commercialized, material world. just watch me.

redemption in the rain

jeff buckley-hallelujah on repeat

enough was always enough,
but we keep looking for more
in a society that makes
me crazy, and when self-
discovery is blinded by madness,
the self discovers
truth.....inside
of the pouring rain
of my words,
my letters
to my self.

lauryn hill an d'angelo- nothing even matters

dear world,

sitting atop some ruins on a hill, i see the clouds that go beyond what eyes can see. a light that makes pink our cheeks, a tingle that tickles the wind, and warmth. we are at war, world. i find myself questioning whether we can make it. you and i. i in you. please make room for me in your grey, black steel. our fires are the same, our blood is the same, and our lips, oh! sweet lips yearn for union. balance. moments smaller than a tear in our time. time timing time. and it is only in due time that we can tell whether we can live harmoniously.

08-09/10/2008

Sussex update: super long entry of this magnificent day

Dear you,
I am in my first week of school at the University of Sussex. I had a good day today, one of the very few days, because I woke up and the skies were clear, cumulous clouds floating slowly through the air. I took a shower, did my routine, and was ready to get to my academc advisor so we could discuss my current class schedule since I'm staying for the autumn term. I walk down the slopey parking lot and a butterfly floats by me. What a coincidence! I'm getting a butterfly tattoo on Saturday!

I get to the office, and a girl from America is also waiting for Jenny. She was from Massachussetts, we talked about Amherst (my first choice school). We talked about the weather, and travelling together. We talked about science and how I still love it and miss it, going back to my experiences with e.coli and plant cells that have regenerative properties. She did research on cancer patients. I talked about UCI and how we receive lots of money for stem cell research and again referenced UCI's work with salamanders. She did some work at the University of Michigan. I told her Jimmy Chan goes there and how he has it rough as in BME.

Mind you, half an hour passes and Jenny didn't show up. If I was by myself I would've left a long time ago. She asked me for my name. "Diana," I said, What's yours?"

"Vida." Vida. Life! I met Life today as I was trying to figure out my academic life. Another coincidence. These moments show me that life is the trickiest of them all.

Ultimately, Jenny told me it was ultimately up to me. I researched a bit for my classes, and headed to the library. I felt very productive after figuring out how to use the library system and how to find my books without being overwhelmed by the titles.

After leaving the library, I entered the church and read "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman. Genius. Beautiful writing that I could never compare.

Meditation: The only thing I was looking forward to all of this term. The Buddhist nun was cracking jokes, and talked so peacefully, which differed from expectations of sternness. She said that the Buddha said our mind is like a loose, enraged bull elephant. Imagine if a bull was let loose on campus, thrashing at people, cars, buildings, etc. We would all just be so shocked and reflect on the damage. Our minds are let loose and we walk around campus and in the world just unleashing ourselves onto others. There is no control. And I wanted to control my mind.

She talked about how our minds are sticky like glue and when we fancy a person,we think about them all the time. And when they leave, we say, "No! Please don't go!" Likewise, even with someone we hate. We still can't that person off our mind. Buddha called this "attachment." But we also needed to let that go so that we can be more independent in our minds, rather than dependent on people, one person, or thing(s). And if we love all, then our friends and the company of the people around us can also be enjoyed more.

She talked about how our minds are cyclical. We leave a stressful job, find a new job, and realize that the new job is just as stressful as the last one. We have a relationship and ditch the person to find someone new, entering the new relationship, we also find that it's the same kind of relationship. Why? Because we enter those things with our minds still in tact. We enter with the same mind.

And our minds are so quick to react to the traumas of life. If someone looks at us negatively, or says something really awful, we keep going back to it, replaying the same words, thinking, "Man, that really hurt." But so what? How can we change the automated negativity into positivity?

Buddha said that we can reach peace by focusing on a virtuous object, whether is be love, peace, compassion. Our minds are constantly distracted by habits, addictions, etc , whether it's by chocolate, alcohol, drugs, facebook, movies, TV, or exercising. This isn't to say that these things are bad r good. They are just what people do to get their minds off the negative. However, this action doesn't mean that they are changing their thoughts into positive ones. The negative thoughts jsut stat dormant, or suppressed until something triggers it. Everything builds. We don't feel happy still. But how can we feel peaceful and feel happy?

The hardest mind to contol is our feelings, which is the mind in our hearts. Through meditation, we can focus on having peace without distraction by focusing on our breath, and whatever things we "need" to do or think about can wait. We are thinking like, "Meditation? There are so many other important things to do!" But what is more important than your self and your peace of mind?

Posture is important because you don't want to fall asleep, so sit upright, chin slightly tucked in, and right hand cupped by left hand with thumbs gently touching. Our minds are so busy all the time that we constantly feel tired, so it's easy for us to close our eyes and pass out.

So through this guided meditation, I jumped into focusing on Buddha's face, his smile shining in the dark of my eyelids. I see a white light, which is my breath, entering my body, and exiting, forming a loop between nostrils and the pit of my stomach. "Realease all the tension in your body." Tensions were released; I thought of my herniated disc and my pinched nerve underneath my shoulderblade and let it go. Even though I was in an uncomfortable wooden chair, I couldn't feel my body.

At this point, it was harder to focus. I kept thinking about my tattoo design, kept thinking about Calvin, and my classes. "Focus on your breath. Pull yourself deeper into your breath." And I did.

I felt like the waves of the oceans and imagined the Brighton beach, the waves moving subtley in the still of the day. "Pull yourself even deeper. Focus on how the air feels against your nostrils when you inhale and exhale."

And it was getting harder because I felt my body moving off the chair because I was getting so relaxed, but I kept telling myself, "In. Out. In . Out" At some points I was so caught up in my thoughts that I forgot to breathe.

"This ends our meditation." I opened my eyes and looked at her, but her eyes were still closed and so was everyone elses. I thought I was sleep walking, then I closed then again. Breathed in and out a few more times until finally we opened our eyes.

When I opened my eyes, I fel like I was in a dream: consciously unconscious and unconsciously conscious. But I kept breathing slowly, listening to the sound of my breath, feeling peaceful. I was not thinking about anything besides breathing.

I walked out of the chapel calm, refreshed, floating, and I walked at a different pace, in no rush, and enjoying Ryan's company. I couldn't stop smiling or laughing. I felt so happy.

We walked towards my apartment to have some tea. I split a pbnj with Ryan and was happy to make him a pb and nutella sandwich because he was deprived from life. We went for a walk in the hills opposite my apartment where the cows roam. We climbed over an opening in the barbed wire fence and watched our step so we didn't step on any cowpies.

There was a brick ruin with a tree growing out of it! In the ruins of the world, there is still hope! (Note: watch Wall-E if you haven't) We walked further up the hill and climbed over another fence. I'm really good at climbing fences. I like to jump the last bit. It makes me feel like a kid again. We walk up and see a tree that was carved into a bench. There were wolves and butterflies carved out of the bench as well. Ryan and I looked at the clouds, one looked like the bottom of a shoe, and another looked like a small dog jumping for a ball.

We head back down towards the first fence and I see two ladybugs on the back of Ryan's jeans. "Ryan! You have two lady bugs on you!"
"What can I say? I attract all the ladybugs?!"
"Hahaha yeah you're a real ladies man!"

We part ways. Ryan headed for a nap and I headed to Kelly's place to see her new Bandon Boyd poster. At Kelly's place we updated each other on our day's events, waiting for the 6PM Walking Society intro meeting.

After meetings and everything, we leave for the fiesta at Marsha's! One person brought one thing so that we could create some fantastic burritos! Steven and Marina never had Mexian food before. Granted, this wasn't legit Mex food, but it was a lot better than Los Taquitos, which was microwaved and not the same. Sangria, Mexfood, good company (not that good of a conversation, though I learned a lot), and everyone left. Normally I would wait for Kelly to go home, but I wanted to get back to see if Calvin was online. So I headed out the door and I looked at my cell phone. It read: 22:22. A sign! I am in the right place at the right time because I am doing what I want to do rather than doing what I feel obligated to do!

I came home and looked at my computer. My mind started racing again, so I decided to meditate. It worked, but not as well as it did earlier in the day, but I felt calm and inspired to write out the happenings of today. If you read this, thank you. There is no point. I wanted to have a good day on file so that when I have a bad day I can look back to this and find some form of peace.

Awakening

Today, I feel awakened by my breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
The tingle around the nostrils
The tickle against the hairs.

Thoughts cross my mind:
thoughts of stress,
thoughts of my partner,
thoughts of loss,
and thoughts of yearning
for brighter days.

But I must focus
on my breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
The tingle around my nostrils.
The tickle against the hairs.

There is peace within my virtuous breath
that moves throughout me
that charges my mind,
the mind in my heart,

and I drift in and out of my minds--
conscious and unconscious--
to find balance
and control
of me and my breath,
the breath that awakens peace.

Ohm.