post-rejection: we-struggle

I'm trying to work on my final but I can't stop thinking about SPOP and the reasons why I am here standing at these new paths in life.

After the rejection, I felt relieved actually because I was excited to close a door to find new ones. when this door closed, I was even more obsessed with getting it opened again! the hype and excitement of the new staff just kept me coasting on a strange high even though i was rejected. both happy that i wasn't the only one rejected and truly happy that people i love got the positions.

Yet at the same time, I felt this sadness. After talking to kar, I couldn't stop thinking about how i would feel if i got rejected and a few third year returners got it instead of me. i still couldn't fully feel it the same way he did until i got rejected from my poetry class. I felt like damn! society is not recognizing me as anyone special. what is wrong with me?!

so i said, fuck school. i'm going to the beach with div, after he passed out i thought about short-term and long-term goals. i am only preparing early for my life because i am the most scared.

as we returned to vdc, i talked to one of the new first-year staffers on Friday in a transaction. He said to me, "I'm so excited to do the work!" And it hit me!...

The work; The purpose of SPOP was to help the incoming freshmen transition and get excited about UCI.

In all my feelings and my dramas from both teal and gold, I was so focused on my returners and my first-year staffers that I forgot my initial purpose.

The reason why I wanted to be in SPOP in the first place was because I wanted to help others. Because I was in SPOP for so long and I was so STUCK in the details of the program, I couldn't see the bigger picture. I was here for my kids, the kids, our family.

SPOP became a comfort zone for me and to finally get kicked outta the box to fend for myself is truly bittersweet. i was rejected out of love! I needed this rejection more than ever to see this. I needed to re-feel this lost passion to serve others of all ages, nations, races, ethnicities, spiritualities, etc....humanity

humanity--that's what i was fighting for all along.

and i remember back to what phil lee said, that he didn't do teal year and helped disabled children at a camp, and martos traveled throughout southern america, and kat has a homeless program and went to build homes in new orleans after katrina, and norma helps women and children in a free clinic in mexico, and many of my spoppers didn't apply to go home to be with family, and calvin's keeping at-risk youth off the streets, and what am I doing?

not enough! there are so many things to do because the world isn't quite perfect yet!

it brought me back to my ROOTS. I came from nothing, depression, anger, distrust, fear, loneliness, and abuse. Jesus said to me that he was happy to see me, to be around me because there was something about me that felt happy to be here. and I understand where that happiness came from: the joy I have is seeing people thrive in the community. and though it may not immediately seem like the community is damaged, there are broken pieces everywhere!

(especially since i've spending more time in long beach) calvin got racially profiled and thrown down on the hood of a police car by a rookie police officer this weekend because the officer was having a power trip. my people, all people, we people--i'm coming back down from the high of college life because i see (y)our hurt. because we are human, we will hurt together and we shall heal together.

at UCI, I have a foundation of love and family and the best way to pay it forward is living it every day beyond UCI.

the beauty of the human spirit is our resiliance....

it makes life that much more worth it.

i am saying yes! to clarity and to our real struggles.

Hypnotism

Hypnotism
I was possessed by you.
No matter how hard my mind told me not to,
I kept thinking about your eyes on me.
You told me that you were the truth, but you lied
And I had to follow what I thought was right
In order to escape your chokehold.

I heard the guns go off
Into, and through the temples of men and women.
You were not dropping knowledge.
Instead, you made us consume
Money—on the floor, from your pockets,
Pick pockets, cycling back into your wallet.
We consumed your corporealation. We, your enterprise,
Consumed our selves by leaving each other behind.

You are not the truth, I kept telling myself
As you whispered behind my eyes,
Sleep! We belonged to your gravity
And molded into the seats that kept us from fully
Falling to our pieces.
Why must you keep us apart?
I tried to hold and coax the others to
Keep them safe in my being.
However, they would not listen.
They kept dancing and laughing
And playing. Guiltily, I laughed and played
To keep the show running.
Though, I did not dance to rejoice
A dream that was not mine
And had to let them go.

With eyes closed, I listened
In resistance to the chaos and madness
That surrounded me.
This silence was the loudest I could voice….
And then it all became silent.

We rekindled a voice
Greater
Than your hypnotism.