i have been trying to write a poem that could capture the type of in love i feel.
instead i can only think of words:
home: you make me feel like i have someone to come home to, whose face in the evening makes all the day work just a dream. i just have to go through the motions of doing things just so time will pass. because nothing matters once i am with you. i am safe. i am warm. i belong with you. it is only when i am with you that everything in the world is rightfully in its place.
chamomile tea: you heal me. (and without all the addictive caffeine properties.) you are quiet, you are still, you are easy to take in....smooth.
high: imagine/think skydiving.....together. yes!
friend: you are my friend. you are someone who will call out my bullshit when i get too bullshitty and reel me back from floating when i dream for too long. it is good to know that someone genuinely cares for me as a friend and hopes good things for me.
belief: you made me believe in myself more than anyone else in the world. i don't know how. i don't know why. maybe because you said it directly to me, eyes-to-eyes. no head turns. no nervous laugh or smile. just a sincere "i believe in you."
poetry: you fill me so much that i need not write sad poetry. the tone my poems only know are longing. i am trying not to write sappy love poems, but i know you'll accept them. and heck, who doesn't love a good romance now and again?
tears: it hurts to love you. the kind of hurt you feel when you laugh so hard that tears come out. you make me laugh so hard that it hurts....my heart is laughing so much it hurts. it's funny how even something once broken can still be functional in the end.
laughter: and so we laugh and laugh and laugh because the inside jokes get funnier, the references from earlier in the day to later jokes are just as funny, and we know how to poke fun without hurting each other. ever since i was a little girl, i've always wanted someone who could make me laugh. i liked jim carey and tim allen because they were funny guys. you are a funny person (minus the scripted jokes. haha j/k). laughter reminds me that we have voices.
scoop: whether it is an ice cream scoop or the way you spoon, something about your body and my body coming together is delicious! i mean you are what you eat and i want to eat you up! it must be the way we share yogurtland, or the way we share a bed, or the way we share our meals. i have someone to share my life with and i am so very thankful that we are two ice cream scoops.
pedagogy: sometimes you teach me sometimes i teach you. sometimes i learn you. and sometime you learn me. and it never stops i feel. i am happy that you believe i am smart and allow me to be. i am happy you are smart and can keep me intrigued by all your knowings and not-knowings.
moon: y'know when you look at the moon and it is so immensely big and breathtaking that you are in utter awe? when i think about the idea of you, i sometimes feel we are so different and that statisticians or sociologists would never in a million years conceive of our togetherness. however, it is when i see your face or am with you that i know there is a pull i can't ignore....you are the moon and i am the sea.....
sleep: let's lie in the sand together. let's lie in the grass. let's lie in warm laundry. let's lie in the clouds. let's lie poolside. let's lie in the desert. let's lie in a hammock. let's lie in the car under galaxies. let's lie in each other's arms and sleep.
fishing: patience brings the fish. my mother used to tell me that i was a fisherman who was never settled with what fish i caught because i knew that there was an ocean full of fish. you remind me that fishing isn't about how many fish you catch or caught, but the fact that i just like to spend all day, patiently, waiting.
gravity: sometimes your mass reminds me that you exist. that is enough. your existence.
lightness: sometimes your mass reminds me that i exist. that is enough. my lifted spirit.
serendipity: it scares me how coincidental our thoughts/ actions have been. we both wanted quadratic equation tattoos on our left forearm. we both wanted to play mah jong. we both ate cookies at the same time! we both fell in love this weekend! i mean....is the universe tugging our tails?
food: i would marry the cook.
committed: i've never been so committed to aligning my life-times with someone else's life-time. it is hard for me to let go of my pride because i have a hard time trusting. but our not-a-couple-togetherness thing, otherwise known as "dating," makes me want to date you forever! and i mean....forever!
here: you make me feel 3-dimensional.
love: i love you.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
transitional tears
even though it is most difficult to bring change within your family, some pivotal moments happened this week that I feel changed things for the better.
first some realizations: my family is extremely negative toward each other. i mean my brother would end every one of his statements with "stupid" or "dumbass." the way my mother jokes aroud is pretty negative too. actually....most of everyone's jokes here are sarcastic because they just can't seem to say it straight to my face what my flaws are. and this is where i stand in the eyes of the family. i have flawed. all they know of me is not my redemption but my past. let me explain further: in high school i raised hell. i stayed out late at night. i brought boys over and they slept over, in the same room, in the same bed. i snuck out. i didn't pick up my mother's phone calls until the 21st one. i knew better but didn't act on it. i tore down these walls as if i owned the place. in reality, i didn't pay for my car. i didn't pay for my health insurance. i didn't pay for this house. in reality, i was living under my parents' roof and my gramma's traditions. in their eyes, presentation, respect, and dignity were important.
so here i am....feeling as if i've changed for the better. positive thinker, able to help out the house, feeling like there is a celebration waiting at the door when i arrive. at first, it seemed so. every one was so nice. my mother cut me fruit. my gramma made me food....a lot of it. no one seemed to comment on my weight. people asked me questions as though they were generally interested in my life. as the phonograph stopped spinning and the party balloons deflated, the critiques came flying through the window.
so the drama comes filtering in. aunts and cousins tell my gramma that i am unhappy here at home. that i turned down jobs because i was told to come home. i really was told to come home, but of course, people forget the things they tell a person. plus, it's easier to save your own ass and make the other person look like the ass. so i look like the ass for calling out my immediate family and for hurting them. to deal with my immediate family is to also deal with my 6 sets of aunts and uncles, and my 27 other cousins. everyone's got their ears on the door waiting to hear about my next disappointing act. the next thing i do to burden my immediate family. i'm second in line and of course i should be more responsible. but everyone knows that even when i was a baby, i cried every time i woke up, and i wanted to run away to new york in the second grade. i would take my clothes off just to prove that i only needed my self to go. lesson learned: keep my mouth shut. third-accounts are usually not accurate and people surely get what i said twisted...a lot of the times.
christopher came up here on saturday and stayed a good 5 days. the first night we slept in the same bed together. the next morning i get a call from my mother yelling at me that he has to sleep outside in the living room. i get a call from my brother yelling at me because my aunt has just yelled at gramma for telling me to come home. the weather is gloomy this day. i don't feel like eating the food my gramma made, which is a sign of rejection. these acts of service aren't my primary love language. i'm a words-of-affirmation-type. sometimes people aren't aware of their tones when they yell. i am sensitive to tones, especially if they reach an outdoors-voice decibel in my ear at 10 am. of course, christopher and i sleep in the living room. i stay on the floor and he sleeps on an airbed. we dare to reside in the microscopic eyes of the entire immediate family. "see? we aren't doing anything? we just want to sleep!" so we do for the following four nights. lesson learned: if you do what they want, they can't say anything to you.
an extremely large argument broke out between my brother and my sister. it's really difficult to stay out of an argument when there are no walls in the house. i tried to hide my room. christopher was on the bed quietly listening too. this seems to always happen when i am home. instead of jumping right in and yelling, i try to mediate. so does judy, my older sister. she and i are the mediators. there were definitely times when we both got a little heated and wanted to jump in but it was good we kept each other in check. i see my brother's anger parallel my father's. i think i have that same anger. but i try really hard to control it. we are all crying: my brother, my sister, christopher in the room, my gramma, and me. i bring my gramma into her room because 1) she is too old to be hearing this, 2) she is too old to understand that this argument is necessary for us siblings, 3) she kept cutting people off when it was their turn to talk. so e take turns, saying what we needed to say, decoding it for each other. and calling out each other's flaws. it wasn't easy. this took 3 hours. it is when i see my sister rage with anger and frustration that i understand what i must have looked like when i was younger. so i finally see my role: to tell my younger sister that she shouldn't grow up to try to be me. my brother and my sister are trying to save her from walking my path. christopher even came out into the living room after his shower and helped mediate. lessons learned: people want someone to listen to them; others want to get credit for their efforts; and others need to initiate service to help lessen the burdens of life.
i also fell in love with christopher. there was no more hiding my past. yes, i am the way i am for a reason. you can trace it back. i rebelled against my family so everything they wanted i did the opposite. tons of back story to share. he held me when i broke down. he sat and listened when my siblings were transformed into monsters. he ate my gramma's food even though his gut was going to explode. (he gained 4 pounds.) he made my family laugh. he reminded me that this dimension may not be the best but we were together and that's enough. he makes me want to slow down and cry happier tears. he inspires me to be better, more family-focused and family-oriented. he never left me and that's more commitment than i could ever ask for.
the days after that seemed a lot easier and better. i know i have the time and pleasure to listen to other people. not only within my immediate family, but the extended too want some love too. it is harder to filter this love out to them though. there is a meditation method called tonglin. you inhale the negative air and exhale a positive thought, love, or emotion. i learned that the power of empathy is that i can take so much of this family's negativity and still love them. unconditionally for all that they do and don't provide me. i know that these traditional social rules aren't how i want to live and it motivates me to get out. there is no rush. time moves slowly here. i am learning that being with family isn't just a two-second wave on ring road. to be with family is usually a five hour thing. and i've got time. i feel like i'm making time to help. i feel like i'm taking initiative. i feel like i'm giving back.....or kissing ass, for now.
and even though i'm not contacting everyone who has helped me. their voices, their stories, and their wisdoms flash through me, are lived through me in real life! big ups to sherweezy, mike knox, kevin, flai, spop staff, jhust, suj, ray ray, edi dai, DTR, susan diep, all of DOS, and the students. i really do miss uci and the good people there.
first some realizations: my family is extremely negative toward each other. i mean my brother would end every one of his statements with "stupid" or "dumbass." the way my mother jokes aroud is pretty negative too. actually....most of everyone's jokes here are sarcastic because they just can't seem to say it straight to my face what my flaws are. and this is where i stand in the eyes of the family. i have flawed. all they know of me is not my redemption but my past. let me explain further: in high school i raised hell. i stayed out late at night. i brought boys over and they slept over, in the same room, in the same bed. i snuck out. i didn't pick up my mother's phone calls until the 21st one. i knew better but didn't act on it. i tore down these walls as if i owned the place. in reality, i didn't pay for my car. i didn't pay for my health insurance. i didn't pay for this house. in reality, i was living under my parents' roof and my gramma's traditions. in their eyes, presentation, respect, and dignity were important.
so here i am....feeling as if i've changed for the better. positive thinker, able to help out the house, feeling like there is a celebration waiting at the door when i arrive. at first, it seemed so. every one was so nice. my mother cut me fruit. my gramma made me food....a lot of it. no one seemed to comment on my weight. people asked me questions as though they were generally interested in my life. as the phonograph stopped spinning and the party balloons deflated, the critiques came flying through the window.
so the drama comes filtering in. aunts and cousins tell my gramma that i am unhappy here at home. that i turned down jobs because i was told to come home. i really was told to come home, but of course, people forget the things they tell a person. plus, it's easier to save your own ass and make the other person look like the ass. so i look like the ass for calling out my immediate family and for hurting them. to deal with my immediate family is to also deal with my 6 sets of aunts and uncles, and my 27 other cousins. everyone's got their ears on the door waiting to hear about my next disappointing act. the next thing i do to burden my immediate family. i'm second in line and of course i should be more responsible. but everyone knows that even when i was a baby, i cried every time i woke up, and i wanted to run away to new york in the second grade. i would take my clothes off just to prove that i only needed my self to go. lesson learned: keep my mouth shut. third-accounts are usually not accurate and people surely get what i said twisted...a lot of the times.
christopher came up here on saturday and stayed a good 5 days. the first night we slept in the same bed together. the next morning i get a call from my mother yelling at me that he has to sleep outside in the living room. i get a call from my brother yelling at me because my aunt has just yelled at gramma for telling me to come home. the weather is gloomy this day. i don't feel like eating the food my gramma made, which is a sign of rejection. these acts of service aren't my primary love language. i'm a words-of-affirmation-type. sometimes people aren't aware of their tones when they yell. i am sensitive to tones, especially if they reach an outdoors-voice decibel in my ear at 10 am. of course, christopher and i sleep in the living room. i stay on the floor and he sleeps on an airbed. we dare to reside in the microscopic eyes of the entire immediate family. "see? we aren't doing anything? we just want to sleep!" so we do for the following four nights. lesson learned: if you do what they want, they can't say anything to you.
an extremely large argument broke out between my brother and my sister. it's really difficult to stay out of an argument when there are no walls in the house. i tried to hide my room. christopher was on the bed quietly listening too. this seems to always happen when i am home. instead of jumping right in and yelling, i try to mediate. so does judy, my older sister. she and i are the mediators. there were definitely times when we both got a little heated and wanted to jump in but it was good we kept each other in check. i see my brother's anger parallel my father's. i think i have that same anger. but i try really hard to control it. we are all crying: my brother, my sister, christopher in the room, my gramma, and me. i bring my gramma into her room because 1) she is too old to be hearing this, 2) she is too old to understand that this argument is necessary for us siblings, 3) she kept cutting people off when it was their turn to talk. so e take turns, saying what we needed to say, decoding it for each other. and calling out each other's flaws. it wasn't easy. this took 3 hours. it is when i see my sister rage with anger and frustration that i understand what i must have looked like when i was younger. so i finally see my role: to tell my younger sister that she shouldn't grow up to try to be me. my brother and my sister are trying to save her from walking my path. christopher even came out into the living room after his shower and helped mediate. lessons learned: people want someone to listen to them; others want to get credit for their efforts; and others need to initiate service to help lessen the burdens of life.
i also fell in love with christopher. there was no more hiding my past. yes, i am the way i am for a reason. you can trace it back. i rebelled against my family so everything they wanted i did the opposite. tons of back story to share. he held me when i broke down. he sat and listened when my siblings were transformed into monsters. he ate my gramma's food even though his gut was going to explode. (he gained 4 pounds.) he made my family laugh. he reminded me that this dimension may not be the best but we were together and that's enough. he makes me want to slow down and cry happier tears. he inspires me to be better, more family-focused and family-oriented. he never left me and that's more commitment than i could ever ask for.
the days after that seemed a lot easier and better. i know i have the time and pleasure to listen to other people. not only within my immediate family, but the extended too want some love too. it is harder to filter this love out to them though. there is a meditation method called tonglin. you inhale the negative air and exhale a positive thought, love, or emotion. i learned that the power of empathy is that i can take so much of this family's negativity and still love them. unconditionally for all that they do and don't provide me. i know that these traditional social rules aren't how i want to live and it motivates me to get out. there is no rush. time moves slowly here. i am learning that being with family isn't just a two-second wave on ring road. to be with family is usually a five hour thing. and i've got time. i feel like i'm making time to help. i feel like i'm taking initiative. i feel like i'm giving back.....or kissing ass, for now.
and even though i'm not contacting everyone who has helped me. their voices, their stories, and their wisdoms flash through me, are lived through me in real life! big ups to sherweezy, mike knox, kevin, flai, spop staff, jhust, suj, ray ray, edi dai, DTR, susan diep, all of DOS, and the students. i really do miss uci and the good people there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
