Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hangfire

Hangfire definitition: To suspend or fasten so as to allow free movement at or about the point of suspension

I felt inspired to write after sdvfire posted her recent entry. First, let me describe this setting I am sitting in: Keane-she has no time playing, in Nirali boutique in Fashion Island, Teach For America articles on the desk to my right, and no one around to interrupt my blogging.

Everything feels suspended in time. I feel both full of time, and yet, there seems to be no time at all. How can forever feel like a blink and a blink feel like forever? Like sdv, I don't feel like I am accomplishing what I want, nor do I know what I want at this point in my life.

At first, when I got out of August and into September, I was scrambling to make ends meet. Somewhere, internally, subconsciously, I had known about this drop. Drop? What drop? Hope, I guess. I feel like I had lost hope. This is easy in a family that reinforces your unworthiness with negativity and when there is no support network to build you back up. It is easy to falter from the dreamer's path when your peers from high school seem settled with children, with long-term career plans, and complacent about doing the same ol' same ol'.

This month of feeling nothing and everything made me go insane. So I escaped. To save my self. This little dreamer. Reality is not fun already. Why spend my time thinking about reality? AH! But I can't help but think about the state of my life: MONEY. Money, sadly, owns my dreams. I need money to travel. I need money to be independent. I need money to go to pursue higher education.

Today, I was driving on the 5 and in the distance, grey smoke poured into the sky, helicopters surrounding it. I caught myself, thinking, "Oh, gosh! This traffic needs to hurry up because I need to get to so-and-so." Time is money. That is my mindset. Money has polluted my thoughts. How could I forget my compassion? How could I forget my own humanity? How could I forget empathy? So I prayed...I prayed for the people who were caught or around would be safe and out of harm's way.

And in that moment, I understood....how possible it is for money to corrupt and how money has power. No, I never wanted money to own me. No, I never wanted money to have power over me. After having been home for the month, I realized the fate of my folks: they work day and day out, 7 days a week, bustling in a restaurant that doesn't make enough money to make them feel at ease, and money has taken over their lives.....and now mine. This is not what I want.

Money buys time. Money allows one to go forward and backward in time, to move freely in it. Money allows flexibility. Money allows comfort. I have grown up simply: don't buy new clothes, don't eat out, don't spend money on snacks or drinks that i don't need, don't buy books, don't buy anything unnecessary. But I am so angry! I am so angry! How can corporations, CEOs, SEOs, and whoever not share the wealth? I feel castrated, in a sense, of my humanhood to provide for my family. And this makes me extremely angry.

Reality tells each one of us that we are not good enough to make "it." "It" being big time, big leagues, playing with the big boys. I think if I give up and say, "Okay, I'll just accept and ordinary, average life, and fall into the fabric of working-class America" then I will be lost forever! (Not that it is bad, or good)

I just think, this is not ME! Nt right now, at least. Yet here I am, suspending in time....maybe I am just building....building my armor until I am ready for the war. Fuck. I should just leave already. With no sight of where I'm going.

At what point did I gain this mentality where I have to know where I am going to finally start an adventure? When did making mistakes terrify me more than taking the first step? Maybe I am already lost.....