drafting life

All of the current events have been triggering anger, violence, frustration....fear. I've been thinking a lot about the Asian American community and where we stand. UCI is unique because we have Asian Americans who are rich and generationally established and we also have Asian Americans who are first-generation, not financially stable, and greatly affected by all these cuts/increases/racism/etc. And is the model minority myth affecting the lack of participation as well?

As a first-generation student, I'm getting my education for my parents. Yes, for myself, but mostly this degree is for my parents. It's for their pride, for the false promise of getting a higher paying job, for a false promise of moving up the socio-economic ladder, for all these imaginary things. I know my parents are proud of me. I know they want more than anything else my happiness as priority. That's it. It's simple. But why can't I break free? Is it because I have internalized these phantasies? The model minority myth too?

My friend asked me what I want from all of this. I can't say "change" because it encompasses so much. Immediately, I thought about my child. Our children. I want my kid to live in a world where they can play and be free, but not be blind to world. Yet, I don't want to live in fear. Probably more likely, I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to be afraid that my child will go outside to play with friends and get shot. I want a community which will support all of our children. There are communities that don't have that at all, who are pushed to the fringes because of red lining, gentrification, lack of education and access, etc.

I want my child to have love. Nothing in the world matters except love. With the post civil rights integration band-aid ripping off, there are wounds that have not properly healed. build up, gunk, puss, just all kinds of bad nasty. fear. and what is it that we're afraid of? are we afraid of our own capacity to love? are we afraid of being honest and being rejected? are we afraid of not living up to the legacy? am I afraid to hurt again?

am i afraid to hurt again? this is it. to hurt: to feel hurt and to hurt another. being in a relationship in which one thinks they're in love can be dangerous because that love can accept so much violence. love can't be possession, nor jealous. we must be able to communicate, and work together to reach a common goal. for us to be good again, to understand. Yes, I am using the relationship as a microcosm of a movement. Why? Because I was driving home from the protests, and in the car next to me, a mother and her two little girls were on their way home too. Getting older, means selfishness and paradoxically selflessness. You give and do everything for your child. Sometimes that means not putting your body at risk or your life in the line for a global cause because there are helpless people depending on you. people who are small, who are pure joy, who are the only cause you'd die for. they depend on you, need you, require you to be there.

my life after calvin has been a love affair. I want to live life with myself, create a new routine, re-invent my being, embrace my being, adopt new hobbies to fill the time....and i got really involved with the revolution because it's a revolution for myself too. all very fitting. in these past 8 months, i've sealed, cemented, cautioned tape every aspect of my heart and only opened it to people who made me feel safe. I think i don't even trust my heart anymore and invested more time in my head. thinking, thinking....partly because it's too unstable to exist by feeling. and even my love for the revolution got me into this strange, grey state....

the moment i jumped back into the protests, i was overwhelmed by all the emotion, i had to step away. it wasn't so much as i was betraying the students, or turning my back from the cause, but really taking a step back so i can see what it is we're trying to accomplish. the system seems so much bigger than i can understand at this moment. there are people invested into the system, invisible hands we can't even see. that's a scary thought. so when all else fails, i call my parents. and as a natural reaction, i cry.

it is in these moments of smallness that i understand what it feels like to surrender. my mom picks up and she asks me about adult things...bills, mail, school. i ask her if i can talk to dad instead, and of course, she feels rejected but laughs it off. my dad consoles me. my mom i can hear in the background facilitating the conversation. she whispers, "ask her 'how are you?'" he parrots the parrot. i tell him: i don't know what i'm doing, every time i feel like i'm an adult, i realize that i know nothing. what am i doing, dad? when do i know i'm an adult? he says to me, "when you're walking on the straight path, and you realizes it's wrong, then you take the path that curves." he didn't need to read Frost to know that. "What about school?" I whine. He says, "If school doesn't make you happy, then don't go to school. If it's too hard then drop out." Crying in the drizzle, I realize that this life that I live down here isn't hard at all. I don't know struggle the way I did when I was younger, working in the restaurant, being in high school, actually being helpless, having nothing. and it is in this nothingness that i feel whole, that i feel a part of a greater world. Again, he asks me if I need money. and I ask him if he needs money. And that's it. we say goodbye.

happiness changes when you're older. for me, it means being a kid again...feeling free and being invincible....laughing from the hallows of my belly. i want to get to this point. to this world. i'm tired of fighting. i hated fighting and arguing in my family. i decided to change that, say i love you, hug, tell people i miss them, encourage wellness in exercise and healthy eating habits....to breathe...meditation. my revolution is a love movement...that goes beyond all these social constructions. love bleeds into all particles...all frequencies...maybe this is a phantasy too...