4th chakra: air

we were in the city happily sliding down the grass in a train, feet and legs wrapped over the person's lap. it was me, mo, fiona, and someone else. a sibling...becka turned andy or maybe even kat. we were going somewhere...somewhere fun. but then, a white hearst with 5 coffins in it appears. one of which enclosed my father. instead of calling it a cemetery, it was called a memoratorium. we walked into the place. mo said, "no, diana i don't do well in this silence." and you look out to see this giant land, kinda like looking over the bay area from the top of wild cat canyon, except everything was grey and randomized locations of graves, or memorials like la pere lachaise. and i wailed in both dimensions from the deepest pits of my heartache brokenness, stitches ripped open and dark matter flooding through. wail wail wail. the sound of an ambulance....

at first all i could think about was my grampa and my mother. this is how she felt when her father died and all her pain zapped through to me via umbilical cord because she knew i could handle it. my gift is holding burden. if you've never been heart broken, i think the closest thing to that is death of a loved one. maybe mine is still sore and a trigger will set the tears rolling, but i haven't cried like that since my dream about calvin.

as above, so below...i must understand that death in this world is a death somewhere greater...a star explosion, and that explosion affects other stars in the galaxy..or maybe the star explosion is my heart and what is left is dust....part of the universe

sometimes it feels like we're trapped into the forms that we have been born into....stars...bodies..hearts...all bounded but we strive to feel free...sometimes freedom comes in the form of loss.

tao te ching 11:

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.

someone said to me, "souls aren't solid but you can solidify your acceptance of your soul"

sometimes i am left with no words...just feeling....i feel.....