Are You Experience?

not many times am i called out on my shit. in fact, i truly appreciate people who do call me out because i can feel the dirt against my cheek, bloodied, scraped, raw.

no one gets more raw than my little sister. why? because she can see right through the facade of academic achievements covering up the shit i do on the sidelines. i smile and i am happy but i cannot see myself as objectively the way she does. i am the guru that laid the groundwork for manipulating traditional parents into believing that their daughter is dutiful, which is why she is pro at manipulation. But I am flawed because I am a living hypocrite.

so at school, i have many roles. i am a spop coord, a reach coord, an intern, a B average student, a bridge, a product of programs for underrepresented minorities, smiling socializing bumble bee of sorts, who really seems like she's got everything under control. it's like looking at the ocean from atop a cliff, everything looks serene on the surface yet the closer you get you can see the waves, the scoops, the imperfections, the depth, the dark shadows, and you can feel the cold. i am human.

under close magnification, i am not a leader. in fact, the things i do are probably "bad" examples because i am drawing you to the water and drowning you because you aren't ready to swim. Let me explain further.

my values are different from the norm. in fact, i am re-educating myself because i rejected what was imposed onto me, rejected what my family wanted of me, and here i stand, tabula rasa. i think it is very important for me to have done all the things i have done so i can develop my values. i am constantly questioning my purpose, my self, and so stuck in my own mind that i can't see how i am affecting others. this is me: naturally introspective.

there are people who watch me, read me, and do things that are harmful to themselves only because i am doing it. for example: x. as much as i have felt a part of the ecstasy culture and learned what it means to feel a part of something larger, greater, beautiful--such as my last experience at Together As One 2010--this is my goodbye.

Why? I have been learning a lot this year and my eyes have been opening to how these chemicals we put into our bodies really do affect us biologically. Traumas that happened to us in the past affect us biologically too, and unbalancing the unbalanced is dangerous. This isn't to say I regret doing what I did. I don't discourage experience. All I ask is being critical of our selves, ask yourself why are you doing this? For me, TAO was escaping from the reality--fee increases, fear of graduation, painful familial memories, heartbreaks, fear, pain, fear, pain. After mastering the art of running away, I think 2009 "enough is enough" theme comes into play. I have had enough of being afraid of myself. Time to bungee jump into the rabbit hole....

The power of thousands of people coming together in a space, connected (probably because of a substance), and feeling like this is the way life should always be was an illusion. It's buying into a fantasy, collectively agreeing that this fantasy world is real. Another example is Disneyland. Don't get me wrong, the shared experience is powerful, but I hope to build even stronger relationships than getting to see you annually at a rave. I don't want to pretend any more with substances and big, bright lights. My friend reminded me that there were water bottles all over the floor who would be picked up by whom? And we were all sucked into these bright screens like TV and movies, not thinking just moths flapping around a light bulb. It has also become corporate. "When a group or a phenomena starts getting defined, we all realize that once again, we're only human beings, warts and all.. this is the time to move on, and to create another scene where there are no words to pursue and define the alien within us." - @Om* Fuck the hype! It ain't gonna define me!

And maybe it is up to me to really go above and beyond to reach out to the new friends I have met to go deeper into who you are rather than what you do. Instead of escaping into this world, why not direct the power of thousands of voices and love toward REAL world things? Can you imagine people being friendly to each other every day? Even to strangers, giving money, bracelets, food, or hugs? Can you imagine directing 50,000 voices toward Sacramento, our meat industries, or our educational system? It literally blows my mind how selfless we could all be and how that energy would shift the poles before 2012.

All in all, I want to be naturally high the way a child is, closer to light, the sun, the OG source within and around us. Especially working with Ava, who is only one and half and entering new states of self-awareness, there is purity below knee-level.

as a leader, i feel it is important to be there for the minority voice. In spop that may be the straightedge, and if that is the case, then I will say that I am here for you, to stand by you, fully engaged in the struggle.

again, i am not perfect in actions but i am naked for you all to see that without the clothes, without skin, without blood, and without skeletal frame, i am pure, pure light.

to my little sister and family: i am sorry for not being the best, but i hope you become better. thank you. i love you.

my values thus far:
love for all
the universe
self-respect and integrity
advocate for the unheard/unspoken voice
community and personal development
critical and collective consciousness