it is very hard for me to say i have a plan. since i've been home, there has been a lot of pressure about what my future plans are after i graduate. honestly, i don't have anything past september when spop is done. yes, money is a factor but i can't let money hold me down from what i want to do. no, i don't want to work right after because i just want a break.
things are blurry because living in the hypothetical is an unpromising phantasy. for the first time, the university can't promise me a job, stability, continued education, or anything else that i am really excited about. i am not there yet and i don't feel like saying one thing and doing another. yes, i can lie but i would prefer not to.
i have long term and short term plans. long term: get a master's eventually have a career in something i am passionate about and continue in loving-kindness.
someone said to me, "live and be truthful to yourself. that's all you can do. But go all out. Do something and do it the best you can."
my anger and frustration is double-sided. i am angry with everyone worrying about me, all the noise. i am also frustrated with myself because i don't know. i don't have a plan i don't have a plan i don't have a plan all i know is i want a break! EVERYONE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!
in a walk to remember, mandy moore said that she doesn't want to be mad at god. and i don't want to be upset with the universe because there is no point in me being upset. what is the point of living if i'm going to be pissed off? so i decided a long time ago that i didn't want to be anything but living in the moment.
and for the moment i have no answers just going with the flow and trusting in whatever is planned for me (even if it sucks).
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I rush recieved a rush of delicious memories of Mandy More singing three different songs melded into one. Thank you for make me nostaligically happy in the moment.
ReplyDeletestory of our lives, eh?
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