remembering is painful.

today i went to the getty villa with my partner's family to see the aztec pantheon. it was awesome seeing these ancient artifacts in front of me. I even touched one on accident. i couldn't believe it was real! i needed to touch it, to experience it. my senses often get confused with what's truth. on a screen was a painted scene of murder, conquest, rape, fire, technology wars (guns vs spears), etc....i was channeling the sensations, sound, screams, sense sense sense

it doesn't make sense....how people can hurt...slavery....mental slavery...void....no ability to think...no choice...no love. yet, i could not help think about the people who are privileged, the slave masters, the owners, the imperialists....how can we teach them how to love? to love nothingness? to love their fears? to love and to share....to share power? to share the world?

it doesn't make sense how a human can become so corrupt, so illusioned by abstract ideas of gold or money or wealth that they must kill their fellow man, must rape their fellow sister, must take their brethren's lands? it doesn't make sense how people can be so blinded by all of that that they cannot see love, be love.

here, i feel trapped. i am a paradox. i have choice, yet i feel burden to help both...bridge for my children to walk on.....i choose not and i choose too....not slave enough not free enough....not enough...

in my despair i felt not enough to the point that he would abandon me....leave me....but i could not leave my cause...

i realize that it hurts to love, admit love, to feel love, because love may be lost...loss...a breakup...a broken promise...a death....

and because it is so scary to feel loss, it is much easier to not love at all, to be ignorant, easier to forget history...because remembering love is painful...because remembering death is painful...because buying a convenient cup of coffee is easier than remembering the child who could not eat, the child who could not walk, the child who cried....

it is not that i live day by day forgetting....it is that i live day by day remembering everything...

everything....i do is based on the fact that i remember i can share my power to give others choice, to give access, to love.

i am calling others to action: love.