Heavy and Light Minded

It all started with my eyebrows! Whenever I have a bad day, there is nothing better than getting pampered. I decide to thread my eyebrows. That is enough to make me feel like a million bucks!

The great things about being home:

There are three trash cans. 1 for compost, another for non-recyclables, and the last for bottles and cans! YAY! We are saving the Earth!

I finally feel like I am contributing to the family. I realize that the family, as a unit, has an Acts of Service love language. This is how I am helping: Licensing Lava, getting Mia and Nemo their shots, going grocery shopping with Gramma and keeping her company throughout the day, hanging out with my sisters, even little things like make a diet plan for my dad, and help my mom get some comfortable shoes she can stand in for 12 hours. Acts of service isn't my main love language but it's okay. It really makes me happy to see my family's lives a little bit easier.

I am deciding on my future. Everyone is very helpful. My family tells me not to rush and I am taking it to heart, kinda. I have realized that time moves slowly for everyone else. I work in milliseconds. One day=two days for Diana. Please remember this, friends. Oh, and thank you to those who have been keeping up with my fleeting thoughts.

So this is the first time where I don't feel like my decisions are pulled by some stupid relationship, except for the one I have with myself. I am alone. This is one of my biggest fears. However, I have built my home, body, temple up before post-Calvin. I can do this again.

Pros and cons about certain career paths:

Massage therapist: Great environments. It is one that I create for my self. It is a 10-month program. I would love to get certified and be able to work as a part-time masseuse while I am applying for grad schools or when I am not dong anything. In the end, I would love to create an in-home massage business, or work in a nice hotel, or in a chiropractor's office. Why? In-home so that I can cater to people who are not mobile such as old-folk or rich-folk, or people who just feel more comfortable being in their space. A nice hotel because people spend a lot of money on massages at hotels. People pay 90$ for an hour Swedish massage. And Swedish is the most minimal amount of work, I think. Chiropractor's office seems like a consistent place to be. Especially if clients who come in seeking for the help. Most people don't go to a chiropractor's office for nothing.

Social Worker/Counselor: (Warning-This may reveal a lot about me)I want to help people, especially those in need. However, I realized that I am the second-eldest and I need to make money to support my family. As much as I would not want to sell myself out by focusing on money, it is very important to me to help my family with their bills. Also, the annual income to the amount of stress and work you put in is not what I want. I believe I have adequate skill and talent that should be sufficiently compensated.

Pre-school/Elementary school teacher: I keep facing roadblocks to this one. I have been trying to get my substitute teaching stuff squared away, but I don't know which district, I don't know where to get Early Childhood Education Units, nor do I have a school that is willing to hire me right now. To get credentialed in this, I thought about about getting into a Master's program. Even if I applied, it would be difficult for me to know if I am secured into a place in school. Grad school is scary. I never felt prepared. I feel like my education is geared for Higher Education/Education Leadership and policy. Ah!

Am I only good for Student Affairs?

Advice: Being a student is amazing. Undergrad is fun and maybe careful consideration for where you want to go post-college is important. I really wish I had an internship that allowed me to get a hand's on experience in a area that I, now, feel like entering. So really think about where you want to go and start working towards that.

Untitled

My gramma sings around the house
The songs of her youth.

She sits me down at the kitchen table,
The place where all chatter comes out.

We share a bowl of eggplant curry
My mother made the night before.

She says,"Y'know? I don't feel old, right?"
Tears well up in her purple-grey eyes.

"At your sister's graduation, they told me
To get into the picture."

It wasn't until she saw them developed
That she realized how old she was.

After this guy

We lie in mid-coitus.
I am crying because my insecurities
Come flooding out as we both did
A moment before.

There were 25 men before this one.
All of them were infatuated ideas of love.
All of them got a perfect show--
All smiles; No tears.

But this guy, the one whom
I loved in soul, daggered it
The moment she flew out from
Phantastical orgasm.

"You are a great faker," he exclaimed.
That hurt more than a fist to my face.

I thought this guy
Was different.
No, he is just as afraid
As the others,
Just as small as I am.

I suffocate in his apologies.
My pride swells up over my head and
Crashes my entire body.
I drown in it.

This is where I hide when I want
To get some air, where it is quiet,
Where I am invisible, where I know
Too well, where I never thought

I'd have to come back to....

After this guy.

Love, or Survival

We are broke.
In the dead of Winter,
We eat canned sardines
And Baguettes from the
Dollar Store. It is next to
The donut shop my uncle
Used to work at last year;

We go there for dessert.
We split a maple bar, and
Tomorrow a classic glazed.
This is equity.

After dinner,
I lie belly down on the bed
In only my underwear. He decides
The outfit he will wear to school
Tomorrow. I ask him for a show.

He tries on everything he owns,
Mix matches dress pants and t-shirts,
Jeans with a raincoat. He tosses a scarf
Made of cashmere around his neck.

Finally, we settle on something.
All I know are his eyes.
I watch him

With nothing to offer but a smile.
I'm not sure if this is love, or survival