A Surprise Journey

Someone knocked on our bedroom door, Julie came in, said, “Abi, there’s a random guy at our door.” Abi got up, ready to go. I asked, “Should I come out too?” thinking it was the delivery man from ASDA. “No, just sleep.” I thought it might have been Eric, her American friend. After a couple of minutes, the door opens. My head was at the foot of the bed so I peered out, upside down, in blurred sleepy vision and see this random guy walking in, he smiled a familiar smile and I thought, “Who is this guy?” I flipped up right and saw the most beautiful sight: Calvin Chu. “Hi,” he said. Immediately, I covered my head with my duvet. “I must be dreaming. No way. What the?...” So many thoughts running through my head I couldn’t even rationalize at 10 in the morning.

Surprise. Surprise. Calvin always surprises me. Abi was in on it too. He had been planning this for a couple of weeks now. We had a mini-argument the night before, Friday. I was making tikka masala and ate it alone, went out for a walk with Kelly in the dark because dinner made me far too sad. It is nice making my own dinner, and I was always comfortable eating by myself, but that night my dinner felt lonely, felt too much for a single person. I thought, “What’s the point of making amazing tasting food if no one is here to taste it? If no one is able to share it?” So I went out to look at the stars and I couldn’t help but think about Calvin because one of his goals is to go into space.

I went back into my room, called Calvin’s mobile but it went straight to his voicemail. I really did call his flying here, knowing that he’s crazy enough to do such a thing. But Abi told me not to get m hopes up. I agreed, leaving him Facebook wall posts, playing music, trying to keep myself busy so I wasn’t worrying, obsessing. This is the mutual understanding in our relationship: independence, open, freedom to explore and experience. So I agreed.

And there’s something about gut instinct that tells us the truth, tells us about the future because here he was, my past, my future presently standing in my room in mafuggin’ England. Hahaha. After embracing, thanking, getting over the shock, we showered, undressing ourselves like they did in the Notebook. Then went up to the ruins, and definitely ate my leftover tikka masala.
I had made plans to go to Brighton with Kelly because we were sad the night before and thought that sitting on the beach staring at the drone of the shore would be soothing, distracting. Instead, all three of us took the bus to Sainsbury’s so we could make vegan chocochip cookies and some Irish soda bread. Calvin was super sleepy so he slept while she and I baked. We made dinner for David, Eric, Abi. The six of us celebrated Calvin’s arrival and David’s withdrawal from Sussex.
David, Kelly, Calvin and I went to Brighton to the Oxygen bar, downed shots: terminator (jaegermeister and southern comfort), carribean connection, squashed frogs, jaeger bombs.

After being a bit buzzy, we headed back for our house party. Beers were cold, and we were ready to get fucked up. We played Fizz Fuzz. We go around counting 1, 2, 3, trying to get up to 30. For multiples of 5 you say “fizz” and multiples of 7 you say “fuzz” and reverse the direction. It was nice getting Abi’s friends and my friends together. We hadn’t done that ever. And it was nice having a loud ruckus in our flat finally. This game took us forever, but it was well worth the wait because we had a goal (30) and when we made it, fuck, it was probably collectively and thoroughly victorious.

Calvin and I ate, we slept, woke up to cook and eat again. We drank, we fought, and we played. We had poppy tea and ganj on Sunday; Abi got really sick so Monday was not a good day for her. She stayed in bed all day, which was good. Alcohol Tuesday-Thursday. I forget which night it was but we PTFOed (passed the fuck out) at 8:30 Pm, woke up at 2AM and shared a bottle of Sicilian White wine together, getting sickly drunk because wine hits way too hard (reference SPOP wine and cheese parties). After passing out for a bit on the floor next to my bathroom, we made it to the room and slept.

And we sexed like war time lovers. We made love, we flirted, we kissed, we laughed, and we snuck around like 8th graders. It was truly fantastical!

And we argued, we discussed, we dropped knowledge, we meditated, we hurt.

On Thursday (reference Irvine: students’ night), we went to Oxygen, got 1.50 pound shots, and headed toward Honeyclub, which is my favourite club in Brighton because it’s full of gay men and electronic/house music. It’s a pound entry fee and a pound for bottles of beer. I fuckin’ love it! We danced and I thought about Div and Suj, wanting to be a Go-Go dancer, giving light shows at raves or dilihs, and fuckin’ giggin’ with love and joy.
And again, we argued, we discussed, and tried to understand each other. I didn’t like the way Calvin tugged at my clothes, not because he isn’t allowed to do it, but at clubs, my uards are a lot higher. I wouldn’t want other men to do that to me, and Calvin wouldn’t want his (hypothetical) girlfriend to be tugged on either. But we were buzzing, smoked a bowl, and I drew on his back and my foot. Drawing is the only time I am fully focused, concentrated. I want to start a t-shirt line, I think, just for fun. I’ll just wear clothes that I design myself.

Halloween: we were ghosts, miscommunication, screaming in the closets, calm revelations, tears, writing, sleeping. Miscommunication of plans happened, built up frustrations were initially vented, but I gained self-control and went into the closet to scream into my clothes and cry. Why did I do this? I have learned that when in anger, my mind gets delusional, I say things that I don’t mean, I say things that have consequences and hurt other people. I cried because I kep replaying Amel Larrieux’s “Make Me Whole” in my head, knowing that every word she sang is how I felt toward Calvin. And Calvin wanted to argue, preparing himself for my vent. As easy as that was, he didn’t need that verbally beating, so my new tactic is to write my angered thoughts out, and after all that bullshit comes out, after I’ve ejaculated stupid frustration, I can finally BE. I had control of my inner peace and calm in voice, in thought, in reaction.

I learned that communication in any relationship is beyond just knowing yourself through the eyes of others, it is reflecting on the self from your eyes, from your 3rd person. Also it’s looking at the other person for guidance in the skills that I lack. For example, Calvin shows his love rather than tells his love; I am vice versa. However, I have made the effort to show my love to him by reflecting on how he shows his love to me, adopting his methods and still maintain the balance of what I do, communicate through words. Maybe it’s not necessarily compromise but becoming more than what I was when I was single, becoming more (in)dependent, becoming a hybrid human. Yeah, that definitely sounds cooler than the often negative connotation of compromise. In idiomatic terms, his strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. What I am proposing is the adoption of his strengths in lieu of my weakness, making them my own, finding what works for me, trying it on, so that I can be wholly strong, rather than a walking contradiction of weak and strong.

Or more often consistent in the self. I question: is that is being selfish by becoming superhumanly strong, or is that the most selfless thing you can do so that you are truly invincible and can finally selflessly help others? (Reference: help yourself before you can help others. Obviously, I have learned that doing both has more often left me feeling obligated to helping others rather than fully wanting to help others because that help may not be reciprocated, thereby I can never give my full 100% by the end of whatever task it may be (i.e. SPOP, presidency, extracurriculars, friendships, relationships, etc).)

Today Calvin left early to catch a bus to get to Heathrow, to fly out for his mom’s birthday, to go back and deal with his life. I am eternally grateful to have someone in my life who would drop anything for me, who has the privilege to fly across the world for me It wasn’t because I asked him to do it, he wanted to do it, but secretly, I wanted him to too. And though he has that privilege, it should not be strained, indulged upon. We must find balance and learn to be more of ourselves when by ourselves and also more of our selves when we are together; that is the process of sharing, that is what multiculturalism is, that is what a potluck is, that is what sharing our lives together means as friends, lovers, haters, and family.

Although we journey ahead to do what we want to do, there are always broken pieces that need to be picked up, and it’s taking on the responsibility of journeying back as a newer person from when you left, and still learning to play that makes us (im)mature. Makes us happier, hybrid, harmonious, and healthier (emotional, intellectual, mental, spiritual, physical) people. Staying humble to the roots, your self, the I.