Wooo let me just say that our community is alive!
Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck wit and hip hop initiated me.
Today we took tours to historically important areas for the apia community around the Bay Area. I went to the Eastside Arts Center. Our tour guide and facilitator of the day was Eden. She was the same Eden who was an RA at COSMOS my sophomore year of high school, and here she is now in my neck of the woods. What a small world! And a blessing at that.
In East Oakland, the San Antonio District, International Blvd has a collection of resources: Native American Medical Center, Goodwill, Taco and Burrito Stands, Ice Cream trucks, a Chinese school, McDonald's, taquerias, and then this arts center.
stage, drumset, piano, display cases: critical resistance to the prison systems, sprung floor, recording studio, locked doors, visual arts room, graf in the back lot.
stand shoulder to shoulder: inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. we came here as a peoples who have a passion to make waves in our communities. don't forget the struggle, where we came from, who died for us, who die for us, who we die for...
stand toe to toe with someone: learn to embrace the uncomfortableness and let it be comfortable, intimate, trust, share 30 seconds of your thoughts. listen. share..listen
trust fall: balance, stance, you got my back, with eye contact? yes, i got your back! take a second to ground yourself. let the insecurities melt and just have faith....trust...ready? fall! falling...
back to back sitting and 10 seconds of it with the group: focus on your own power squat yet work with the greater collective in the squat pot.
beat machine: rhythm, layers, bass, sound, music, loud, quiet, loud. proud of our music
name game: upper body movements, callin out, calling in, around the world, and back again
YOU: point, eye contact, verbal communication minus the point, minus the verbal communication....be direct, stay focused, concentrate without getting all butt hurt
interrogation game: why you gotta be so mean? why is your whole team mean?
improv machine: theme-asian american sterotypes. act a stereotype and build it like a machine into a working scene. embody the stereotype and then challenge it. frustrating to do it over. sometimes your idea is not interpreted the way you think and you gotta let go of that ego because the idea may come at a later point. confusion. frustration. impatience. performance and success.
speak out: joy, trust, succes, pride, beauty, energy, fun, love, empowerment, englightenment, etc etc etc of fun gooey good stuff in the middle of our breath. in out 3x and OUT OUT OUT everything!
who came to who first? jacky
we aren't broken, we just have downfalls. we are survivors! bryant
chew chew chomp chew! panda express protest! phuong
monks wearing saffron robes. simone
2 sponges, damp and dry, damp and dry, with no water running between. simone
carry the energy within you....
”The role of the revolutionary artist is to make revolution irresistible.”
-Toni Cade Bambara, (1939-1995), writer, activist
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
in the echo of my fears, i finally heard my heart break. It transcended through my dreams, different dimensions, and worlds, showing me that it feels the same in all of them; I can't runaway.
Here I am, gripping my chest as if I could've saved it when in reality, I ripped it apart a long time ago. I am a broken girl made of 3: The sex addict, the emotional self, and the crying child. The addict has taught me to survive but pulled me away the hardest, farthest from the core of who I am. The emotional self is sensible, soothed both voices. The child has the most fears of all--abandonment, judgement, rejection.
She drops to her knees, elbows clenched tightly around her sides. "NOOOO!!!" She wails as though the depth of her sorrow has no weight. Both voice and body take refuge in gravity.
I want to be baptized in the ocean
held by a coord from the grey skies
The wind rustles around me,
cackling, whipping, my cold flesh
red rose flush hovering
below the plain of my land
three generations of faceless men--
where have they gone
and where are they walking?
__________________________________________________________
Rant:
I woke up early Wednesday morning and decided to spend two hours reading my book. I had plans to eat with Sobashi at 2:30 in the afternoon and Calvin was going to pick up the rest of his furniture. After I locked myself out and climbed through the window to get back in, I decided to take a shower with the music on blast. I thought I heard someone in the living room and thought for a second it must've been Calvin, but I rationalized and said it must have been the bass from the music. I walked out into the living room in my towel and the door was wide open. Calvin was here. In my vulnerable and drippy state, I started trembling in fear, anxious, and adrenaline pumping through me. I didn't know what to do but I wanted to do something. I heard him coming up the steps and I peeked out in my towel. He saw me and said, "how's it going?" His eyes were red and his hair was longer than normal....sad calvin through diana's speculations or really high. As he went out to put stuf into his car, I went into the bathroom and dried myself off and put on some clothes. I was so torn between my emotions, between the protocol of what to do and what i wanted to do. I wanted to hold him and hug him and tell him never to leave, but I couldn't. I was so terrified and in shock of his presence that I couldn't even say anything. I kept asking, "Do you need help?" "No" he'd say sternly. This pushed me further into my child-like state. I was rejected from his moving on process. I was succumbing to everything I didn't want to be--powerless. As he put stuff in the car, I'd walk to the kitchen window to see where he was, to see if anyone was with him. Then as he was coming back up the stairs, I quickly went into the bathroom and started crying. When he was packing up his stuff, I'd slowly creep out like a curious child, like an unwanted child, and stood against the wall at the end of the hallway hoping he would just scoop me up. Helpless. A silhouette on th edge of light and dark energy, i was sinking. Yet I tried to take in all of him, his white tank top and grey shorts and brown kswiss....his biceps, his shoulders, his eyes, his expression...something...i wanted to keep as much of him as i could but he was rapidly fleeting from the space and from my life. "as far away from you" that's what he's deciding to do. as he was bringing out the last load i asked him if he had the key. he didn't say anything and kept going and i watched him from the window, thinking he was going to leave and so i closed the door. unknowingly he came up to the door and left the key under the mat. he went to the car and as i heard him start the engine i ran out the door sobbing my eyes out. "this is it." "everything's gone. gone." as i stood there crying on the walkway, he drove away giving me one last look.
i never felt so conscious of abandonment. i know my true feelings come from my parents who left me because they had to work. and i have to learn that calvin is also leaving me because he needs to work on his life. I am imposing that need on his life. I left him a long time ago because he called me a whore which linked me back to my father calling me a whore for most of my high school life. don't get me wrong i love my dad but it doesn't give him a right to degrade me. likewise, i love calvin chu so much but i can't believe he said that to me! in public!
that wednesday threw me off, i didn't work out, i just wanted to sleep, i didn't call anyone, i didn't feel good so i'm writing this out to acknowledge that hurt. it's okay for me to feel sad. it's okay for me to recognize that spatially and mentally we're through.
i've been obsessing about all these other things knowing that it's helping me cope with the loss of calvin. i'm still frantically going on his facebook to spy on his recent activities but i'll probably delete him soon. it hurts to look at his pictures and see us close and happy or sad because we can never be close like that again. it hurts to know the spots on his body, the way his tattoos feel and look, the moles on his face...
i know he's having a hard time too but i believe in his resilience. he's always been resilient. i just have to keep striving to be happy. strive to be better in a holistic way.
Here I am, gripping my chest as if I could've saved it when in reality, I ripped it apart a long time ago. I am a broken girl made of 3: The sex addict, the emotional self, and the crying child. The addict has taught me to survive but pulled me away the hardest, farthest from the core of who I am. The emotional self is sensible, soothed both voices. The child has the most fears of all--abandonment, judgement, rejection.
She drops to her knees, elbows clenched tightly around her sides. "NOOOO!!!" She wails as though the depth of her sorrow has no weight. Both voice and body take refuge in gravity.
I want to be baptized in the ocean
held by a coord from the grey skies
The wind rustles around me,
cackling, whipping, my cold flesh
red rose flush hovering
below the plain of my land
three generations of faceless men--
where have they gone
and where are they walking?
__________________________________________________________
Rant:
I woke up early Wednesday morning and decided to spend two hours reading my book. I had plans to eat with Sobashi at 2:30 in the afternoon and Calvin was going to pick up the rest of his furniture. After I locked myself out and climbed through the window to get back in, I decided to take a shower with the music on blast. I thought I heard someone in the living room and thought for a second it must've been Calvin, but I rationalized and said it must have been the bass from the music. I walked out into the living room in my towel and the door was wide open. Calvin was here. In my vulnerable and drippy state, I started trembling in fear, anxious, and adrenaline pumping through me. I didn't know what to do but I wanted to do something. I heard him coming up the steps and I peeked out in my towel. He saw me and said, "how's it going?" His eyes were red and his hair was longer than normal....sad calvin through diana's speculations or really high. As he went out to put stuf into his car, I went into the bathroom and dried myself off and put on some clothes. I was so torn between my emotions, between the protocol of what to do and what i wanted to do. I wanted to hold him and hug him and tell him never to leave, but I couldn't. I was so terrified and in shock of his presence that I couldn't even say anything. I kept asking, "Do you need help?" "No" he'd say sternly. This pushed me further into my child-like state. I was rejected from his moving on process. I was succumbing to everything I didn't want to be--powerless. As he put stuff in the car, I'd walk to the kitchen window to see where he was, to see if anyone was with him. Then as he was coming back up the stairs, I quickly went into the bathroom and started crying. When he was packing up his stuff, I'd slowly creep out like a curious child, like an unwanted child, and stood against the wall at the end of the hallway hoping he would just scoop me up. Helpless. A silhouette on th edge of light and dark energy, i was sinking. Yet I tried to take in all of him, his white tank top and grey shorts and brown kswiss....his biceps, his shoulders, his eyes, his expression...something...i wanted to keep as much of him as i could but he was rapidly fleeting from the space and from my life. "as far away from you" that's what he's deciding to do. as he was bringing out the last load i asked him if he had the key. he didn't say anything and kept going and i watched him from the window, thinking he was going to leave and so i closed the door. unknowingly he came up to the door and left the key under the mat. he went to the car and as i heard him start the engine i ran out the door sobbing my eyes out. "this is it." "everything's gone. gone." as i stood there crying on the walkway, he drove away giving me one last look.
i never felt so conscious of abandonment. i know my true feelings come from my parents who left me because they had to work. and i have to learn that calvin is also leaving me because he needs to work on his life. I am imposing that need on his life. I left him a long time ago because he called me a whore which linked me back to my father calling me a whore for most of my high school life. don't get me wrong i love my dad but it doesn't give him a right to degrade me. likewise, i love calvin chu so much but i can't believe he said that to me! in public!
that wednesday threw me off, i didn't work out, i just wanted to sleep, i didn't call anyone, i didn't feel good so i'm writing this out to acknowledge that hurt. it's okay for me to feel sad. it's okay for me to recognize that spatially and mentally we're through.
i've been obsessing about all these other things knowing that it's helping me cope with the loss of calvin. i'm still frantically going on his facebook to spy on his recent activities but i'll probably delete him soon. it hurts to look at his pictures and see us close and happy or sad because we can never be close like that again. it hurts to know the spots on his body, the way his tattoos feel and look, the moles on his face...
i know he's having a hard time too but i believe in his resilience. he's always been resilient. i just have to keep striving to be happy. strive to be better in a holistic way.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Karma Locking Me Out
Man I just locked myself out of my apartment!
The story: I woke up and decided to do some reading and after reaching some profound thoughts, I decided to meditate on it by brushing my teeth. I looked at the screen door leading to the balcony and nervously thought that the winds were changing, seeing the leaves in the trees sway.
As i was brushing my teeth, I wondered what the weather was outside, so instead of going onto my balcony, i walked to the front door and looked down my steps to see it was sunny. just as i was embracing the warmth of the sun, the door slammed. Shit! I checked the knob and it was locked! Damnit! I sat on the steps and looked around, still brushing my teeth, trying to act all calm cool and collected. FUCK!
"I am lunch with Bash at 2:30. I have no idea what time Calvin is coming to pick up the last of his furniture! Usher's Confession's album is going to play fully through before I even get inside! AH!"
All these thoughts kept running through my mind. Calvin was going to come an pick up his stuff so maybe I'll just wait for him to open the door. Div comes home at 5. I'll miss Bash's call and just tell her I got locked out." NO! I did not want to at least try to get in!
I looked for openings--my balcony screen door was wide open and my bedroom window was always kept open. I thought about climbing up the wooden pole to get to my balcony but who am i kidding i can't slink up a pole!!!??! I'd be like Russell from Up trying to climb up the water hose.
So I went walking around my neighborhood, barefoot, to see if any neighbors were home and maybe I could possibly borrow a ladder. Luckily the house to across the street to my left had their garage door open and I saw inside a stepping stool! I went to the front door and asked the man working changing the locks if he'd happen to have a ladder I could borrow because I got locked out of my house. He flat out said no and I awkwardly said thanks and walked back home. Saddened by this white man's unwillingness to help even though I knew he had a ladder-type thing, defeated me! I sat on the steps and agreed with my rationalizations from earlier before. "I guess I'll just wait for Calvin. This is wht I really wanted any way. This is karma!"
Only when there is recognition of karma will she let you out of her wrath! So I looked at the opening of my bedroom window. There are two ledges. The first floor's and then a fence-type ledge under mine. It's the kind where you can pot plants on the sill so there's some space. I was worried the wood would break under my weight! Luckily it was strong! I climbed atop the first floor's ledge, hoping to gosh the neighbor's weren't home and going to pop through the blinds to see my bra-less tits hanging in full view! Unfortunately I am a little too short to fully get my self up to the second ledge! I tried to pull myself, thinking about rock climbing, but again, who am i kidding?!?! I have no upper arm strength!
I walked around again, hoping to find a neighbor. Across the street to my right was another neighbor sitting in his garage. He was about my age on the phone, and he hung up when I approached. I told him I got locked out and wondered if he had a ladder or a stepping stool. He said he didn't have a ladder but found a stepping stool! Perfect! I was so grateful! He even carried it to my apartment!!
So I told him my plan and I set up the stool on the first ledge and jumped over the bush to get on it, climbed up it's two steps, and pulled myself to the bottom of the fencing of the second ledge. I climed onto this 1 inch wood and inched my toes from one gap to another gap until I could open my window screen, and pull my body up onto the ledge and into the window. The entire time he was walking with me on the grass, spotting me just in case I fell! I'm sure anyone would do that but it was great to achieve something I thought was impossible and seeing someone there supporting me!
I jumped through my window and unlocked my door and said my thank yous and laughed at life and myself!
Man, karma you got me locked out!
The story: I woke up and decided to do some reading and after reaching some profound thoughts, I decided to meditate on it by brushing my teeth. I looked at the screen door leading to the balcony and nervously thought that the winds were changing, seeing the leaves in the trees sway.
As i was brushing my teeth, I wondered what the weather was outside, so instead of going onto my balcony, i walked to the front door and looked down my steps to see it was sunny. just as i was embracing the warmth of the sun, the door slammed. Shit! I checked the knob and it was locked! Damnit! I sat on the steps and looked around, still brushing my teeth, trying to act all calm cool and collected. FUCK!
"I am lunch with Bash at 2:30. I have no idea what time Calvin is coming to pick up the last of his furniture! Usher's Confession's album is going to play fully through before I even get inside! AH!"
All these thoughts kept running through my mind. Calvin was going to come an pick up his stuff so maybe I'll just wait for him to open the door. Div comes home at 5. I'll miss Bash's call and just tell her I got locked out." NO! I did not want to at least try to get in!
I looked for openings--my balcony screen door was wide open and my bedroom window was always kept open. I thought about climbing up the wooden pole to get to my balcony but who am i kidding i can't slink up a pole!!!??! I'd be like Russell from Up trying to climb up the water hose.
So I went walking around my neighborhood, barefoot, to see if any neighbors were home and maybe I could possibly borrow a ladder. Luckily the house to across the street to my left had their garage door open and I saw inside a stepping stool! I went to the front door and asked the man working changing the locks if he'd happen to have a ladder I could borrow because I got locked out of my house. He flat out said no and I awkwardly said thanks and walked back home. Saddened by this white man's unwillingness to help even though I knew he had a ladder-type thing, defeated me! I sat on the steps and agreed with my rationalizations from earlier before. "I guess I'll just wait for Calvin. This is wht I really wanted any way. This is karma!"
Only when there is recognition of karma will she let you out of her wrath! So I looked at the opening of my bedroom window. There are two ledges. The first floor's and then a fence-type ledge under mine. It's the kind where you can pot plants on the sill so there's some space. I was worried the wood would break under my weight! Luckily it was strong! I climbed atop the first floor's ledge, hoping to gosh the neighbor's weren't home and going to pop through the blinds to see my bra-less tits hanging in full view! Unfortunately I am a little too short to fully get my self up to the second ledge! I tried to pull myself, thinking about rock climbing, but again, who am i kidding?!?! I have no upper arm strength!
I walked around again, hoping to find a neighbor. Across the street to my right was another neighbor sitting in his garage. He was about my age on the phone, and he hung up when I approached. I told him I got locked out and wondered if he had a ladder or a stepping stool. He said he didn't have a ladder but found a stepping stool! Perfect! I was so grateful! He even carried it to my apartment!!
So I told him my plan and I set up the stool on the first ledge and jumped over the bush to get on it, climbed up it's two steps, and pulled myself to the bottom of the fencing of the second ledge. I climed onto this 1 inch wood and inched my toes from one gap to another gap until I could open my window screen, and pull my body up onto the ledge and into the window. The entire time he was walking with me on the grass, spotting me just in case I fell! I'm sure anyone would do that but it was great to achieve something I thought was impossible and seeing someone there supporting me!
I jumped through my window and unlocked my door and said my thank yous and laughed at life and myself!
Man, karma you got me locked out!
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