in the echo of my fears, i finally heard my heart break. It transcended through my dreams, different dimensions, and worlds, showing me that it feels the same in all of them; I can't runaway.

Here I am, gripping my chest as if I could've saved it when in reality, I ripped it apart a long time ago. I am a broken girl made of 3: The sex addict, the emotional self, and the crying child. The addict has taught me to survive but pulled me away the hardest, farthest from the core of who I am. The emotional self is sensible, soothed both voices. The child has the most fears of all--abandonment, judgement, rejection.

She drops to her knees, elbows clenched tightly around her sides. "NOOOO!!!" She wails as though the depth of her sorrow has no weight. Both voice and body take refuge in gravity.

I want to be baptized in the ocean
held by a coord from the grey skies
The wind rustles around me,
cackling, whipping, my cold flesh
red rose flush hovering
below the plain of my land
three generations of faceless men--
where have they gone
and where are they walking?



__________________________________________________________


Rant:

I woke up early Wednesday morning and decided to spend two hours reading my book. I had plans to eat with Sobashi at 2:30 in the afternoon and Calvin was going to pick up the rest of his furniture. After I locked myself out and climbed through the window to get back in, I decided to take a shower with the music on blast. I thought I heard someone in the living room and thought for a second it must've been Calvin, but I rationalized and said it must have been the bass from the music. I walked out into the living room in my towel and the door was wide open. Calvin was here. In my vulnerable and drippy state, I started trembling in fear, anxious, and adrenaline pumping through me. I didn't know what to do but I wanted to do something. I heard him coming up the steps and I peeked out in my towel. He saw me and said, "how's it going?" His eyes were red and his hair was longer than normal....sad calvin through diana's speculations or really high. As he went out to put stuf into his car, I went into the bathroom and dried myself off and put on some clothes. I was so torn between my emotions, between the protocol of what to do and what i wanted to do. I wanted to hold him and hug him and tell him never to leave, but I couldn't. I was so terrified and in shock of his presence that I couldn't even say anything. I kept asking, "Do you need help?" "No" he'd say sternly. This pushed me further into my child-like state. I was rejected from his moving on process. I was succumbing to everything I didn't want to be--powerless. As he put stuff in the car, I'd walk to the kitchen window to see where he was, to see if anyone was with him. Then as he was coming back up the stairs, I quickly went into the bathroom and started crying. When he was packing up his stuff, I'd slowly creep out like a curious child, like an unwanted child, and stood against the wall at the end of the hallway hoping he would just scoop me up. Helpless. A silhouette on th edge of light and dark energy, i was sinking. Yet I tried to take in all of him, his white tank top and grey shorts and brown kswiss....his biceps, his shoulders, his eyes, his expression...something...i wanted to keep as much of him as i could but he was rapidly fleeting from the space and from my life. "as far away from you" that's what he's deciding to do. as he was bringing out the last load i asked him if he had the key. he didn't say anything and kept going and i watched him from the window, thinking he was going to leave and so i closed the door. unknowingly he came up to the door and left the key under the mat. he went to the car and as i heard him start the engine i ran out the door sobbing my eyes out. "this is it." "everything's gone. gone." as i stood there crying on the walkway, he drove away giving me one last look.

i never felt so conscious of abandonment. i know my true feelings come from my parents who left me because they had to work. and i have to learn that calvin is also leaving me because he needs to work on his life. I am imposing that need on his life. I left him a long time ago because he called me a whore which linked me back to my father calling me a whore for most of my high school life. don't get me wrong i love my dad but it doesn't give him a right to degrade me. likewise, i love calvin chu so much but i can't believe he said that to me! in public!

that wednesday threw me off, i didn't work out, i just wanted to sleep, i didn't call anyone, i didn't feel good so i'm writing this out to acknowledge that hurt. it's okay for me to feel sad. it's okay for me to recognize that spatially and mentally we're through.

i've been obsessing about all these other things knowing that it's helping me cope with the loss of calvin. i'm still frantically going on his facebook to spy on his recent activities but i'll probably delete him soon. it hurts to look at his pictures and see us close and happy or sad because we can never be close like that again. it hurts to know the spots on his body, the way his tattoos feel and look, the moles on his face...

i know he's having a hard time too but i believe in his resilience. he's always been resilient. i just have to keep striving to be happy. strive to be better in a holistic way.