Soy Goo's story

"Ma, wah mai keuh"
I don't want to go

The dilemma in mind:
if he goes, drowns, then regret
if he doesn't go, the money spent on his fare, waste

I go; we purposely sink the boat,
so the ship will rescue us, bring us to land.

________________________________________________________

A dream:
He came to me in a dream
tall and looming
covered in white from wrist to ankle
"Ming, burn money for me to use"
"What kind of money, Ah Bah?"
skin pale and finger pointing
to a fire in a bin.
"Geem tzwah" gold paper
to burn for the dead.
"How much?"
"Enough for me to live."

describing faith in an email....

i guess that's what faith is. it's an internal purpose. i know that when i was on e or after e i just felt like the only thing to think about was the now and being connected to the now and living life because living is great. but e lost that when i started doing it with calvin. it became more about sex actually. you know...faith is like the coldplay concert to me. just fully connected; its beauty reaches a sublime than cannot be expressed. i've had both experiences with ecstacy and with calvin. with calvin, we had sex and we orgasmed at the same time and it was fully connecting, both opening up body, mind, and spirit and feeling safe and comfortable in that exchange. wow. i've never thought about it like that before. it's like an exchange of our souls and laughing....we both laughed because we were so consumed in it. it's like when a baby laughs...pure...joyful...unkowingingly aware of what it's laughing at. i cried afterward because it was beauty at it's most intimate and sensual and sexual and natural human form. with ecstacy it's connecting to the beat of music and to lights and to the people around you...it's tribal...like a heartbeat...simple...as though the light was the stars, the beats were the sound of our drums, the crickets, our hearts, and the moon is always watching overhead....the fire in the middle...is where we burn our insecurities...yeah...it's the love we have for one another...the safety from being together in the dark knowing that we will forever watch after one another spiritually. that's ecstasy to me. tribal. pagan. holistic. both those instances i felt enough. and that's probably what i'm missing right now. faith. purpose.

SAA

I

Is he lying to me?
Am I lying to myself?
I like his lips, sex, and intellect,
But where are the emotions?
FUCK MY THOUGHTS!

II

You can take my lips.
You can take my tits.
You can take my clit.
You can take my thighs and hips.
But love,
you may never take my eyes.


III

Sex corrupts me, tells me lies:
"You're so beautiful";
"You're so hot";
"Harder. Yeah like that"
And makes me forget the consequences
After the moment. That present
Led to this present
When shit hits the fan
And I'm alone
Again.


IV

I am easy:
easily loved
and
easily fooled


V

sex stains the skin


VI
Brown eyes, lined red,
They've seen blood shed;
Deeper than the "natural" hues,
Blue and Green,
They've seen me.

Affirmations to get me through the day

I am a really fun person to hang out with.
I am a really cool mom because I am very chill.
I am a very cool coord for REACH because I think about them a lot.
I am a successful student leader, mentor, and student at UCI.
I am fortunate to have such great friends and a supportive family.
I take advantage of life and try new things.
I am open.
I have stretch marks on my ass and tits which means I lost some weight!
I have light brown eyes that look like mud in afternoon sunlight.
I have titties that some other women have to pay for.
I am very flexible and enjoy stretching myself.
I like stretching and massaging others so that they feel good too.
I know how to give myself massages (out and in).
I like to run barefoot but will run in shoes if necessary!
I am able bodied and can explore the deeps, the dips, the treacherous, the highs, and etc.
I have a very loud voice that can outbeat any man's voice!
I know how to whistle, snap, dance, sing (in my car), clap, jump, swim (lightly), cry, and curl my tongue.
I have a great music selection that is more underground.
I can write.
I write.
I know how to show people love.
I can arrange flowers, cut hair, bake, cook, and cater to others.
I enjoy doing hair and make-up.
I am very resourceful.
I am a quick learner.
I know how to cater to myself: baths, music, candles, movies, writing, and masturbation.

These are my affirmations.

Focus of Positive Believing

Today I woke up with the dark and light clouds shadowing from above. I caught a glimpse of the sun and thought, "Alright, there's some sun. Not too bad." To my surprise, As I peered out through my other window to scan the whole of Irvine and whether they were covered in the gloom, I saw a rainbow!

Then I thought to myself,"Okay. If it's this gloomy but there is a small patch of sun and a rainbow at 8 in the morning, then it is for sure going to be a good day!"

The reason why I was up so early was because I was trying to edit my paper to turn in before 11. I jumped on my laptop to see the 7 pages I left safely on it from the night before. I don't know what happened. Sadly, I couldn't find six of those pages and wound up with the first page which was pretty much the prompt.

I felt a dilemma because normally, I would whine and howl and be utterly discouraged from starting all over and fallen into the pits of despair. However, I could not let the disappearance of my paper get me down because I believed it was going to be a great ass day! So I focused all my energy into cranking out 8 pages in an hour and half! And voila! A final paper!

Focus, getting straight to the point--Concise. This is what I needed and wanted to be in every aspect of my life.

I hung out with Doris at Reggaefest. I bought a new pair of peace earrings for a bargained down price of $5 and a new pair of red-rimmed sunglasses for $5. After Doris left, Calvin and I ate stoner fries and a hot dog from the Pub, went back to my apartment and talked about our relationship (because I broke up with him last weekend), hugged, packed, and I was off to a new CCC interns meeting. I had to leave to facilitate Cross the Line for first-year SPOP Staffers. Staffers from the last training also came back to do it again for more practice! I felt so proud of them!

Satisfied. Efficient. Content.

Calvin surprised me by already being in the parking lot before I even got out of my training so it was great because I expected to wait for him. He was meeting me one step ahead. Perfect way of showing me his love. Got in, headed out to Long Beach so I could fly out to Oakland.

Got to Long Beach but I was early so Calvin and I went to Mickey D's and ordered our faves: 2 caramel sundaes (I get all the nuts), 2 apple pies, 10 pc. chicken nuggets, french fries, and (not normally) a soda. We ate and smiled and laughed. He asked me out on a date to Catalina Island to celebrate the end of the year. I said yes!

Then he dropped me off at the airport at 7PM. I literally got through bag drop and security by 7:02. I called Calvin and we talked about therapy and how we're both in the process of healing and seeking help. At first we felt ashamed, but now we are so confident and recommend it! It's great to connect with him emotionally about the process of healing which is something different than the emotional connection I have with my best friend. My gbf connects with my sexual past and my bf connects with my present and future healing. It's a beautiful thing to finally be connected to Calvin.

It's a full moon and I got my period. It's a cleansing cycle. Shedding the old self, becoming the new.


Anyway, now I'm home and my parents gave me a jade Buddha for strength, my mom gave me advice and meditation tips, my dad cut and porcupined Manila mangoes for me (though they were from Mexico), and I get to sit in the silence of my house and write.


I mean...can life get any better than this?