This weekend at SMLI while Dean Chemerinsky was presenting on free speech, I had déjà vu. For me, déjà vu is a sign that I am in the right place. When I dream, I enter a different plane of reality and when I am awake, I am in a different plane of reality. When I have déjà vu, it means these dimensions are crossing paths. This was a clue that I left for myself. I’ve been here before. So it was a big deal since I hadn’t experienced this way in a long time. What were the signs?
I was sitting next to Jesse Cheng, Sarah Bana was on the other side of him, Free Speech presentation going on right after the REACH workshops, True Colors posters on the wall behind the Dean, the 50 SMLIes attentively listening in Buckleberry Library.
Everything made sense! What I learned from the people at the APIA Summit was that we, people of color, can CREATE! At first, I thought I wanted to come back to the Bay after I graduate so I could work in non-profits and work with the people, write poetry because I can create valid histories of my family’s journey to America. But at this moment, I saw clearly how I do create. Not only can I create poetry, I create spaces in the world where people can come and learn about diversity issues and gain leadership skills, perspective, world views. My path is to create multicultural/leadership programs like SMLI, REACH, ALL-U, and Women of Color Initiative, and etc...This is how I give back. This is my pay it forward. To quote Justin Woo’s freewrite in Kelly Tsai’s workshop, “This is my work.” And to quote Sarah Bana’s favorite quote, “There is a loftier ambition than merely to stand high in the world. It is to stoop down and lift (hu)mankind a little higher.”-Henry Van Dyke. Bring them to my level and they bring me to theirs.
My fear is knowing where I want to go, knowing my potential and power. I am converting that fear energy into productive energy which will hopefully be apparent in my work. I take APIA/multicultural issues with me everywhere! APIA summiters, like Simone Jacobson, said to remember that when we go off to our own worlds, that we can bring the Summit with us and hold it in our hearts for the next 2 years until we meet again. What I remember is han, the sharing of trauma, joys, experiences, loves, and forging community. If you look into my heart, it is dripping with trauma--OUR traumas (good and bad), OUR stories. I see how I can make the change, BE the change. And again to quote Sarah Bana’s quote and the new theme of my blog, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”-Mahatma Gandhi.
Because I realized this fear, I looked into my palms to read where I was going. The hand I write with is the life I try to control, the other hand is used less so it shows the lines of my destiny. The life I try to create looks like this: long life that’s separate from my career; I will be in a relationship that might end in divorce with 3 kids; lastly, the money I make isn’t fabulous but I can spend a lot and save enough to live comfortably. Sounds like a mediocre American-dream type of life, right? My destiny looks like this: my life will be intertwined with my career which will make me a lot more money; I will spend a lot, save a lot, and give a lot of money back to the community; I never have a relationship, maybe dating and no kids (of my own at least).
My destiny is such a 180 flip of what I’ve tried to create my life to be. It’s funny though because I have always been in love with the thought of an ideal (wo)man, and in love with the thought of being romantically involved with someone, but I understand and accept that that may not be the path I am supposed to lead. It’s okay. I will accept my fate to give back and work hard and live my work. It sounds a little bit like Oprah, but I found out that she is one of the idealists via Jung and Myer-Briggs Personality test. I am really learning about my strengths as a leader and as much as I’m learning other people’s strengths, I am grateful to be the way I am. I am truly blue: emotional, relatable, affectionate, compassionate, idealist, peace-maker, etc. I am an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, High in Feeling, and Judgment). Admittedly a lot of my energy has been spent in romantic relationships, but now I am moving off of finding a relationship so I can put my energy into my work…my community…family…my first love.
China was fun, but it was one of the hardest experiences I have ever gone through because I watched the love of my life move onto a new girl in close proximity for ten days. For the first time I felt my heart break. For the first time the game played me. With the help of my women, faith, breath, time, and Tylenol I made my way to the end of the ten days and was happy to find myself back with my apia folks in the Bay, in the struggle. No lie, overcoming heart break is a lot harder than working through social issues. I don’t have time to write love poems!
(Hahaha that’s a lie. I’m about to post one after this post)
This upcoming year, I can feel myself grow more than change. There is a difference between growth and change. Growth is a lot more focused, grounded in who you are just expanding your principles and ideas to enhance who you are. Change is drastic and traumatic, constantly figuring out how to adjust the self, applying new ideas to form new principles. Sarah Bana said that from my first year to now, I have definitely changed more than I have grown. I didn’t see it before, but I believe it. Looking at my pictures from SMLI 06 to SMLI 09 is just crazy. I am excited to grow into my position, grow with my new principles, and grow with my community.
Thank you mentors who kept lifting me higher, continually believing in my potential, and thank you peoples who keep me grounded and real; you give me strength. I am here to serve you all.
You have influenced me a lot in the past few months and I am forever grateful!
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