Spiritual. I believe in a power beyond me, omnipresent, and present within me. I am the vessel. I may not know exactly what my calling is, but It is calling. I can hear my self. Strength. Spirit. Freedom. Love.
However, I was not always like this. Within the confines of white walls, I bashed like personalities in a schizaphrenic's brain. My parents were absent and that created a void I tried to fill with sex. Why sex? Something about affection, temporality, and care drew me to its grasp, yet it abandoned me. I was familiar with abandonment and tortured myself with it. I could not escape, neither house, school hallways, or the backseat of cars. It was lonely where I lived. The more I escaped to sex, the more my parents tried to tie me down. The more they tied me down to cultural values, the more I broke out of them, broken their hearts. We were all broken. Broken English meets clashing cultures means my life in a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house. We, all separate, in our rooms engaged in our own digital bubbles. Whether it was TV, the computer, video games, landlines, cell phones, or Chinese dramas, we all ran away from each other because we could not face our own heart break, our own disappointments.
I cannot say that my parents were wrong for beating me, for working and not having the time to spend quality time with us, for yelling, for making us pay for our own excesses, for staying up all night while I was out....
Nor will I admit that I was wrong in staying out late, crying, yelling back, attempting suicide, running away, trying to act older than I was, pretending I knew it all, using my education against them, mending my soul.....
All I wanted was to be free.
Because if all those things didn't happen, then I wouldn't be the way that I am today.
After a talk about religion, spirituality, faith, sexuality, disowning children, raising children, and love, I called my parents.
I said to my mom, "I know wah duh si nang (literally, roused the dead=caused a lot of trouble), but wah jing gao LUCKY that luh nang syeuht wah." I caused a lot of trouble going out late at night, and you stayed up for me, but I am very lucky that you love me. My mom laughs at me as I bawl, stuttering for her to listen. "I love you. Thank you. Can you tell dad?" She hands the phone to dad. And I repeat in daddy's little girl sobs, "I roused the dead but am lucky you loved me." Very my dad-like, he tells me about his childhood in Vietnam and tells me to play with the good friends and leave the bad friends behind. I tell him I have them. He asks me if I need money. I ask him if he needs money. He thought I was crying because I was homesick. I told him I was. He told me to study hard. I told him to go to sleep. I said, "Bye." And he said, "I love you."
Despite all the hardships, they loved me and never stopped knowing that I was their child. "It's okay. You were a no gyeah," my dad said. No gyeah, child. Gyeah...walk...no walk...I was a child who did not walk the world and I was blind, but now I see the roots that have been instilled within me. Freedom. Spirit. Love.
The paths I have taken have had many obstacles and they've all led me to healing and feeling more connected to my self, my spirit, my freedom, and my love. To my parents, to all the parents, I am forever grateful for your patience, kindness, and love. Your legacy of love and understanding lives.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Pillow Talk
i like lying next to you,
naked,
whole in our conversations.
this is me
and you are you.
and we share orange slice stories,
every bit is juicy,
filling,
all given to me jeweled in your musk
a flowing pandora:
memories of the night your mother died;
your belief that having children is a form of narcissism;
your favorite mos def concerts;
singing lines of songs that speak to your soul...
you tell me, in clarity--
your soul.
and i tell you that i'm afraid:
of how beautiful you might think I may be,
hiding bashful smiles under pillow talks;
that my children are political agents in the system;
and how i don't remember my mother in my memories.
our loneliness abated by our together
for tonight; we are intimate, in timid lust.
we kiss....
and morning comes.
there's no turning back.
i've been changed and,
re-arranged and,
it's not like it was before....
i relish in the now
of our isness.
i like lying next to you,
orange slices,
smiling in our pillow talks.
there's no turning back.
naked,
whole in our conversations.
this is me
and you are you.
and we share orange slice stories,
every bit is juicy,
filling,
all given to me jeweled in your musk
a flowing pandora:
memories of the night your mother died;
your belief that having children is a form of narcissism;
your favorite mos def concerts;
singing lines of songs that speak to your soul...
you tell me, in clarity--
your soul.
and i tell you that i'm afraid:
of how beautiful you might think I may be,
hiding bashful smiles under pillow talks;
that my children are political agents in the system;
and how i don't remember my mother in my memories.
our loneliness abated by our together
for tonight; we are intimate, in timid lust.
we kiss....
and morning comes.
there's no turning back.
i've been changed and,
re-arranged and,
it's not like it was before....
i relish in the now
of our isness.
i like lying next to you,
orange slices,
smiling in our pillow talks.
there's no turning back.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Power of Now
::Chorus "Hip Hop is dead" plays::
""Hip Hop just died this morning
and He's dead, he's dead.."
(Sings) What happened to hip hop? I will not know.
He left me before I could go.
Characters:
Jaci=electronica
Calvin=Hip hop
Diana: electronica/house makes me feel alive, happy, throbbing with the feul of love..special. Hip hop pierces my skin with bullets of struggle. It hurts to love hip hop because walking into his beat is massacre. Electronica, however, is free, free for all, free love for all, freeing the almighty within. I can be assertive, sexual, in love, and independent.
Inner peace: Maybe I'll go alternative and fall into his plain blues, into his six-string vibrations to keep me afloat.
Diana: Wow, I've been conditioned to think of depth as going downward toward our earth like a rock falling to the bottom floors of the deepest oceans. But even that has an end; our earth has limits. What is deeper than earth?
Inner peace: SPACE! It has no limits. The depths of our universe. Shit. That's deep AND infinite!
Diana: I can feel my heart rate increasing as I realize my ego, Director of Diversity, is a lie that I've projected. I also feel compulsive about Calvin, wanting to call him to escape the pain of the future, to feel the pain of the past. Why can't I just BE? What am I afraid of in the present? That I'm actually happy in the present? (I also feel sleepy. Ah the conditioning of my childhood!)
Diana: I'm afraid to know it's over. I will admit that I fucked up. I am afraid to have closure. I am afraid that he can be happy without me. I am afraid that he IS happy without me. I am afraid that I can't be happy in the end without him.
Inner peace: I am happy now, though.
Diana: How can I be so afraid?
Inner peace: Can't you see that you must have faith in me? The peace, I, ai, will bring love, ai, I. It's okay to be alone.
Diana: My brain is shutting down and just wants to sleep.
Inner peace: No, Diana, wake up. It's about time to fucking wake up to life.
Diana: I feel regret for taking Calvin for granted. he made me feel peace within myself. with BEing, (in the beginning). I could be myself and he loved me. We shared bliss, in Eric's apartment, on the floor, we had sex, and I cried in the moment. Bliss. I can feel it. I CAN be blissful. I want that again and my first time was with Calvin and my mind attaches it with him.
Inner peace: But that's one of the causes of human suffering--attachment.
Diana: I shouldn't have a new relationship when the fragments of my past relationship pains are still lodged in my mind/pain-body. I shouldn't have children or marriage because of all those pains. I should be in education either. Shit.
Diana: My inner peace is death. I can hear it drawing in me/me in. The secrets. I take to my grave. No more pain once I'm gone. It can't survive. They will not touch children's ears.
Inner peace: I am already dead. I am dead. I die. I died.
::Diana sobs:: (regathers myself)
Inner peace: So now, I can live the way I want to live.
"Everything is shown up by being exposed to the light, and whatever is exposed to the light itself becomes light."-St. Paul
Diana: I keep thinking about calling Calvin and saying, "You were right all along. I am wrong for not jumping into the unknown."
Inner peace: But that's not true. I am right. He is right. We both are right....just wrong for each other.
Diana: Shit. He was never the one. I am the one who is right for me.
""Hip Hop just died this morning
and He's dead, he's dead.."
(Sings) What happened to hip hop? I will not know.
He left me before I could go.
Characters:
Jaci=electronica
Calvin=Hip hop
Diana: electronica/house makes me feel alive, happy, throbbing with the feul of love..special. Hip hop pierces my skin with bullets of struggle. It hurts to love hip hop because walking into his beat is massacre. Electronica, however, is free, free for all, free love for all, freeing the almighty within. I can be assertive, sexual, in love, and independent.
Inner peace: Maybe I'll go alternative and fall into his plain blues, into his six-string vibrations to keep me afloat.
Diana: Wow, I've been conditioned to think of depth as going downward toward our earth like a rock falling to the bottom floors of the deepest oceans. But even that has an end; our earth has limits. What is deeper than earth?
Inner peace: SPACE! It has no limits. The depths of our universe. Shit. That's deep AND infinite!
Diana: I can feel my heart rate increasing as I realize my ego, Director of Diversity, is a lie that I've projected. I also feel compulsive about Calvin, wanting to call him to escape the pain of the future, to feel the pain of the past. Why can't I just BE? What am I afraid of in the present? That I'm actually happy in the present? (I also feel sleepy. Ah the conditioning of my childhood!)
Diana: I'm afraid to know it's over. I will admit that I fucked up. I am afraid to have closure. I am afraid that he can be happy without me. I am afraid that he IS happy without me. I am afraid that I can't be happy in the end without him.
Inner peace: I am happy now, though.
Diana: How can I be so afraid?
Inner peace: Can't you see that you must have faith in me? The peace, I, ai, will bring love, ai, I. It's okay to be alone.
Diana: My brain is shutting down and just wants to sleep.
Inner peace: No, Diana, wake up. It's about time to fucking wake up to life.
Diana: I feel regret for taking Calvin for granted. he made me feel peace within myself. with BEing, (in the beginning). I could be myself and he loved me. We shared bliss, in Eric's apartment, on the floor, we had sex, and I cried in the moment. Bliss. I can feel it. I CAN be blissful. I want that again and my first time was with Calvin and my mind attaches it with him.
Inner peace: But that's one of the causes of human suffering--attachment.
Diana: I shouldn't have a new relationship when the fragments of my past relationship pains are still lodged in my mind/pain-body. I shouldn't have children or marriage because of all those pains. I should be in education either. Shit.
Diana: My inner peace is death. I can hear it drawing in me/me in. The secrets. I take to my grave. No more pain once I'm gone. It can't survive. They will not touch children's ears.
Inner peace: I am already dead. I am dead. I die. I died.
::Diana sobs:: (regathers myself)
Inner peace: So now, I can live the way I want to live.
"Everything is shown up by being exposed to the light, and whatever is exposed to the light itself becomes light."-St. Paul
Diana: I keep thinking about calling Calvin and saying, "You were right all along. I am wrong for not jumping into the unknown."
Inner peace: But that's not true. I am right. He is right. We both are right....just wrong for each other.
Diana: Shit. He was never the one. I am the one who is right for me.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Dream
I always wanted you to chase me.
Instead, you haunt my dreams.
It's the only place we can meet.
In them, I see you.
I see:
the red of your eyes,
the autumn of your skin,
and the warmth of your soul.
You are alive.
Although there aren't pictures,
letters, cards, or tangible reminders
of your existence in my life,
these dreams memorize,
vividly,
your being.
Still, I cannot gather enough strength
to touch you, to talk to you, to interact,
yet I cannot gather the will
to stop watching you, staring protectively,
obsessively, terrified that you might flee
like ether,
like dreams in the wake,
like you did before....
I don't want to let you go again,
knowing that you won't be in proximity
and that you won't come back,
(except for in my dreams).
Instead, you haunt my dreams.
It's the only place we can meet.
In them, I see you.
I see:
the red of your eyes,
the autumn of your skin,
and the warmth of your soul.
You are alive.
Although there aren't pictures,
letters, cards, or tangible reminders
of your existence in my life,
these dreams memorize,
vividly,
your being.
Still, I cannot gather enough strength
to touch you, to talk to you, to interact,
yet I cannot gather the will
to stop watching you, staring protectively,
obsessively, terrified that you might flee
like ether,
like dreams in the wake,
like you did before....
I don't want to let you go again,
knowing that you won't be in proximity
and that you won't come back,
(except for in my dreams).
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
indebted
sometimes being 21 and in school sucks. not because of the people, not because of the place, but because i am guilty for loving it. i love being able to learn, being able to live away from my parents, being able to make friends and foundation away from family.
yet i realize the guilt that plagues me...i have an unspoken duty to my parents that i cannot fully repay. i want to pay for all their accumulating debts, i want to pay for my own insurances, i want to be able to be financially independent so that i am no longer a burden in their lives.
jude: just forget about it... he doesn't realize that we are all under the age of 25 and don't have real career jobs yet. people forget
what can i do, y'know? i just feel so helpless, trapped in my age.
yet i realize the guilt that plagues me...i have an unspoken duty to my parents that i cannot fully repay. i want to pay for all their accumulating debts, i want to pay for my own insurances, i want to be able to be financially independent so that i am no longer a burden in their lives.
jude: just forget about it... he doesn't realize that we are all under the age of 25 and don't have real career jobs yet. people forget
what can i do, y'know? i just feel so helpless, trapped in my age.
Naked Makings
I stand naked
in front of the mirror,
in front of you,
so we can see clearly
the making of god's Love.
in front of the mirror,
in front of you,
so we can see clearly
the making of god's Love.
Pomegranate Seeds
World, as we know it,
Open your heart
And let the juice
Of your brothers
And your sisters
Dissolve on the tongue,
Collected red with
Mother's love,
Hidden underneath
Protective wear
(From Father's wear)
We are the seeds
of a bigger fruit.
Open your heart
And let the juice
Of your brothers
And your sisters
Dissolve on the tongue,
Collected red with
Mother's love,
Hidden underneath
Protective wear
(From Father's wear)
We are the seeds
of a bigger fruit.
Person of Color
Take my blood and paint a sunset.
Rip my sorrows from my chest hollow
And fill the oceans with blues.
Grow parks from the green of my eyes.
Ball my innocence, throw it upward,
And let its light guide you in the dark.
Rip my sorrows from my chest hollow
And fill the oceans with blues.
Grow parks from the green of my eyes.
Ball my innocence, throw it upward,
And let its light guide you in the dark.
Still
dedicated to Rumi
Still mind.
Still mind.
Lucid.
Every moment,
Every present,
I am,
Manifested,
Found.
Who was I
Before conception?
I was the greater
World spirit.
Wind, mind, motion.
I am all:
The green leaves waving in wind;
The wind that carries--sounds:
Car alarms, crickets, construction,
Dogs barking, people talking, bird chirping,
motorcycle on the freeway, plane in space--
the moon above; the sun to my west;
the house I am in; the houses around me;
the nails in the wood that hold my foundation;
the paint that cracks around it;
the cigarette butts in the ashtray; and
the water in the bucket to collect its burn,
the ashes, the wars, destruction, bones, blood, body,
the steel frames of globalization, gentrification....
Balance, peace, appease, a piece of harmony
I love the world we live.
Still mind.
Still mind.
Lucid.
Every moment,
Every present,
I am,
Manifested,
Found.
Who was I
Before conception?
I was the greater
World spirit.
Still mind.
Still mind.
Lucid.
Every moment,
Every present,
I am,
Manifested,
Found.
Who was I
Before conception?
I was the greater
World spirit.
Wind, mind, motion.
I am all:
The green leaves waving in wind;
The wind that carries--sounds:
Car alarms, crickets, construction,
Dogs barking, people talking, bird chirping,
motorcycle on the freeway, plane in space--
the moon above; the sun to my west;
the house I am in; the houses around me;
the nails in the wood that hold my foundation;
the paint that cracks around it;
the cigarette butts in the ashtray; and
the water in the bucket to collect its burn,
the ashes, the wars, destruction, bones, blood, body,
the steel frames of globalization, gentrification....
Balance, peace, appease, a piece of harmony
I love the world we live.
Still mind.
Still mind.
Lucid.
Every moment,
Every present,
I am,
Manifested,
Found.
Who was I
Before conception?
I was the greater
World spirit.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
It is
red paint
in heat
globs down my room walls
bleeding the origins of my mother
and the cries of my daughters
the sanctuary is not failing;
it is rebuilding
purity
in pain
curled under the rubble
drinking warm water of rivers
and the tears of my fathers
the journey to america is not hard;
it is living
yellow
in diaspora
flood upon flags
and the stiches come undone
the country is not under siege;
it is already ours
in heat
globs down my room walls
bleeding the origins of my mother
and the cries of my daughters
the sanctuary is not failing;
it is rebuilding
purity
in pain
curled under the rubble
drinking warm water of rivers
and the tears of my fathers
the journey to america is not hard;
it is living
yellow
in diaspora
flood upon flags
and the stiches come undone
the country is not under siege;
it is already ours
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