Lost and Found

dlr21288 (4:07:29 AM): i think i may stop being a poet

lysenergy (4:07:35 AM): why?

dlr21288 (4:07:41 AM): i don't think i'm good at it or invest enough time into it to be good

lysenergy (4:07:52 AM): is the creative urge within you?

dlr21288 (4:08:03 AM): it is

lysenergy (4:08:07 AM): then let it flow. you have the sacred energy. creativity become a
vessel

dlr21288 (4:10:11 AM): i just feel like...no one understands me

lysenergy (4:10:34 AM): i feel like i am you

dlr21288 (4:10:36 AM): and then i ask myself..well do i write for myself? or for others?
because i feel like i have truths to be told but maybe my truths are too advanced and can only be seen by the educated in the craft. i feel like emily dickinson

lysenergy (4:11:38 AM): then why would you not want to be a poet?

dlr21288 (4:11:55 AM): because am i really helping the people? if the people don't even understand?

lysenergy (4:12:35 AM): as a fundamental law, i believe you should create for yourself because you will never know what anyone else truly thinks, or how they interpret what you write nor will they ever interpret it exactly the way you intended. so the only way to truth express a truth is to write what is true for you

dlr21288 (4:13:47 AM): am i being selfish then?

lysenergy (4:14:24 AM): i think everyone's selfish, and not because they want to be. think of yourself as a child. were you creative as a child?

dlr21288 (4:15:34 AM): i was quiet and read the dictionary and was sad and angry. i'm not sure if i created anything

lysenergy (4:16:17 AM): you weren't imaginative?

dlr21288 (4:16:25 AM): i was. scary stories maybe that's my forte

lysenergy (4:16:32 AM): was it a burden? or a source of pleasure ?

dlr21288 (4:16:48 AM): pleasure only because i could scare people. pleasure because it was peaceful, natural to deceive, and create a world

lysenergy (4:17:06 AM): why is it a burden now?

dlr21288 (4:17:23 AM): because i've created a world in my mind and people are too afraid to enter and my world is different than the outside real functioning world

lysenergy (4:17:53 AM): everyone's world is different

dlr21288 (4:18:21 AM): but it seems as though mine were so far removed

lysenergy (4:18:29 AM): it seems to you because its your world. its not like there is a general consciousness that average person posseses and you are some sort of mental deviant. normal is an illusion. normal is perverse

dlr21288 (4:20:50 AM): am i seeing shadows? images that don't exist?

lysenergy (4:21:06 AM): you're seeing reflections of yourself. the world is a macrocosm of your mind. your world, rather

dlr21288 (4:21:34 AM): and i choose who i want to be? who i should mirror?

lysenergy (4:21:39 AM): absolutely

lysenergy (4:21:45 AM): no one. don't try to be someone, that's a false effort. be natural, be spontaneous. don't think about being. just be. if its premeditated then it is fictional

dlr21288 (4:23:15 AM): if i'm reflecting, and i feel unhappy, is that fictional? only for the moment?

lysenergy (4:25:38 AM): its all about what you attribute your self with. The self is a concept that you build, manage, and maintain, so if you have attributed your "self" with depression, they you will be depressed. If depression is your focus then it will manifest itself all over the macrocosm. If you could care less for depression then it would disappear, its all in your head.. I would say the ultimate goal of being an artist is to tap into the unconscious, improvisational, selfless natural. that's what writing is; flowing, then refining

dlr21288 (4:26:37 AM): should i salvage the flowing then? is it precious? artifacts of the self?


lysenergy (4:27:02 AM): don't hold on to anything; then it becomes a weight. its precious but it is also infinite. you do not possess it

dlr21288 (4:27:44 AM): why can i not let it go?

lysenergy (4:28:04 AM): you said you don't want to be a poet anymore. i don't know why, but i can assume based on my own experience. that you don't want to be a poet because the concept of being a poet is too much weight

dlr21288 (4:28:38 AM): yes. it's funny because i'm writing a poem now, but it feels forced

lysenergy (4:28:58 AM): you're trying to possess this concept: I am a poet. I am a poet. it's become a conflict because

dlr21288 (4:29:11 AM): i think it's forced onto me

lysenergy (4:29:11 AM): in truth, you're not a poet. no one is a poet. what is a poet?

dlr21288 (4:29:23 AM): exactly

lysenergy (4:29:23 AM): you just are. you have the creative energy. so let it flow. fuck your label

dlr21288 (4:29:43 AM): damn society and its labels

lysenergy (4:29:49 AM): exactly. damn the educational system. you have a "major." you can't just be what you are. you cannot be multi-faceted. otherwise they can't fit you into the machine. and its categories

dlr21288 (4:30:39 AM): so what do i do? it's lonely being multi

lysenergy (4:30:44 AM): be yourself

lysenergy (4:31:11 AM): one thing that has helped me a lot is writing stream of consciosness entries in a .doc every morning for an hour. it gets all those repetative thoughts out of your head

dlr21288 (4:31:59 AM): i've been doing that a lot lately in my class i'll write while taking notes and the environment affects what's i'm thinking about and i'll incorporate what i'm thinking about with my notes

lysenergy (4:32:27 AM): do you critique it at all? you shouldn't. the critic ruins everything. its all about the muse

dlr21288 (4:33:04 AM): do you write when you are high? so i wrote when i was high and i was trying to describe the setting and i included myself as a friend, but didn't include my name

dlr21288 (4:33:37 AM): should i revise that? or leave it as it is?

lysenergy (4:33:53 AM): why revise it?

dlr21288 (4:34:07 AM): because the agreements don't match up. i distinctly remember stopping myself from from writing myself in

lysenergy (4:34:34 AM): no matter what. you're writing yourself in. everything you write is yourself or a facet of yourself. every character you create. its all a metaphor

dlr21288 (4:35:19 AM): i'm an extended metaphor

dlr21288 (4:35:42 AM): do you go back and reread what you write? i'm too scared to

lysenergy (4:35:49 AM): not really from what i can realize, the best writing or stories are the multi-leveled ones. its almost mathematical. everything is connected. its hard to describe but you can tell when a story is forced because its very flat but when someone just lets the unconscious pour out naturally it becomes multi-leveled. it reflects the depth of the mind that created it. you're trying to get your mind your world onto paper so that you can express it to the outside world if you filter it with your inner critic then you're doing just that and its no longer your world. its the abridged world, the censored and insecure world that you're willing to show to show truth you have to face yourself, accept yourself allow it to flow

dlr21288 (4:38:47 AM): then what is the point of being at a college if i can just live and do that?

lysenergy (4:38:48 AM): without censor, there is no point

dlr21288 (4:39:09 AM): then why am i here?

lysenergy (4:39:12 AM): meeting other people, learning technique. why are you there? i'm going to college because i need a degree to make money to eat and be self sufficient

dlr21288 (4:39:46 AM): as am i

lysenergy (4:40:01 AM): i'm playing their game

dlr21288 (4:40:01 AM): but am i really in the right major? only so you can defeat it!

lysenergy (4:40:18 AM): only to get by yes in the span of your lifetime. what do you think about, do the most what comes the most natural to you that's your major something i realized recently is that you cannot find yourself. you are yourself. naturally but you filter yourself because you are afraid of yourself do you think that if you were a psychologist or a teacher you would dream of being a writer?

dlr21288 (4:43:37 AM): i think i would still write

lysenergy (4:43:45 AM): but would you have that fantasy

dlr21288 (4:43:48 AM): well actually i think i would get caught up and never write because that's how my life is in college. i get to caught up in everything but all i want to do is just sit and write and write for myself, about myself without a pormpt

lysenergy (4:44:54 AM): i recommend the book, "the Artist's Way"

dlr21288 (4:45:16 AM): lol i think you recommended it earlier this week

lysenergy (4:45:42 AM): this cleared my doubts in almost 1 chapter

dlr21288 (4:46:42 AM): how do you feel about emotions?

lysenergy (4:47:06 AM): i feel like they are food for thought and nothing more. they're energies which can be utilized but they should not be enemies. i am in complete control of my emotions, whether i realize it or not. when you see something sad in a movie when the movie is over that sadness doesn't linger like a repetative thought loop; you don't wake up thinking about it because its not you; you haven't attributed the self to that sadness. if it is your sadness, its almost impossible to let it go. If you didn't exist, life would be a lot easier. just don't take yourself seriously; life's a joke. no matter how fucked up that joke may be. Whatever you want to be, be it. nothing is stopping you.

dlr21288 (4:51:05 AM): society is. i am. school is

lysenergy (4:51:10 AM): no one is

dlr21288 (4:51:19 AM): should i drop my classes and just be? well i can't now because i got financial aid

lysenergy (4:51:28 AM): go to a csu why lol? fuck the system and its ranks. its heirachy. tier two education. you just have to realize "what is your will?" the only thing that you are is your will

dlr21288 (4:53:08 AM): is will like my want? my desire?

lysenergy (4:53:10 AM): it is my will to write, and be at peace. therefore i go to an easy csu and live a simple life, smoke weed and write.

dlr21288 (4:53:45 AM): that sounds so legit

lysenergy (4:53:49 AM): if you do not embrace your will you will have doubts and be confused and lost

dlr21288 (4:53:50 AM): my will is to make a name for myself

lysenergy (4:54:46 AM): why do you want recognition

dlr21288 (4:55:02 AM): i'm not sure. false recognition...glory

lysenergy (4:55:13 AM): i say "fuck what the world thinks" for one, you'll never know what the world thinks or be able to cater to their needs. be yourself, write for yourself and if you are natural, like minded people will enjoy the truthfulness of your writing.

dlr21288 (4:56:13 AM): what if my writing is not recognized by the writing community as anything sufficient

lysenergy (4:56:44 AM): this is what i mean about be a child. what is writing REALLY about? its about writing. its about creating. when i was a child, i just imagined stories. it is a selfless act it comes naturally. when you become an adult, you're fed all the bullshit and get wrapped up in the game. "who am i?" "will i be famous and successful?"its not about that at all. its about writing. that's all its about

dlr21288 (4:57:39 AM): i did it to runaway though. i agree. write to write. do what feels good?

lysenergy (4:58:41 AM): yes. you create your own goals. if fame is the goal you create. you'll spend your whole life chasing it. if writing is your goal, you can achieve it right now

dlr21288 (4:59:14 AM): it is tangible. tangible results

lysenergy (4:59:33 AM): you create the spectrum to judge yourself on

dlr21288 (4:59:53 AM): i think you came into my life for a reason. y'know i pointed to you at csssa because the first thing i noticed was your shirt

lysenergy (5:00:22 AM): haha. buddhaface. i don't know where that shirt went

dlr21288 (5:01:01 AM): lol buddha is so playful. do you believe in signs?

lysenergy (5:02:07 AM): what would be an example of a sign?

dlr21288 (5:03:38 AM): like...i left home to come back to school. my grandmother said to watch out for the number 16. as i was writing at the airport...the date was the 16th of june and as i continued to think about dates. i realized that my return date is the 16th of september. i was looking at the sunset, and 16pelicans flew by. i was assigned a wristband, i had the number 16 on it.

lysenergy (5:05:19 AM): in my opinion You are god, fate, whatever. the force behind everything is you because the world is a reflection of your own mind.
it is your artistic interpretation. so if you have 16 on your mind, 16 will manifest its in your focus and you will start to notice 16 everywhere. pick any number and it works the same. 16 steps to get out of the house

dlr21288 (5:08:08 AM): i agree. so it's not a superstition and i'm not going crazy. but is the tangible world a signal for something higher? beyond? which is ourselves?

lysenergy (5:08:54 AM): everyone's crazy. your subconscious is the beyond, the unknown, the aether. When you are a child you are tabula rasa And your exterior environment plants seeds inside you (i.e abuse). if the abuse seed is planted inside you as a child, it changes the pattern of your thoughts and effects all subsequent thoughts. it is a root in your subconscious and it will become part of your world, 'less you unroot it. deprogram yourself. that's unnecessary i think though. best to accept who you are and treat everything as a gift. everything is holy.

dlr21288 (5:11:11 AM): i think i was greatly abused as a child. i think i'm a very scared person and self concious. i say "i think" a lot versus "i am." i am too much in my head.

lysenergy (5:14:28 AM): you are a very scared person and you are self conscious. but you can't change who you are.first you have to realize who you currently are, then accept, and then you can focus on other things

dlr21288 (5:15:17 AM): i don't know who i am

lysenergy (5:15:24 AM): watch yourself. just let yourself be yourself and learn, listen to yourself, the selfless nature

dlr21288 (5:15:51 AM): i've been watching myself on videos because i recorded myself when i was rollling

lysenergy (5:15:55 AM): no. not like that. live through a day without doubting and contemplating yourself, your actions, your words, just spontaneously react to everything. my friend said a good quote "its only when you've lost yourself that you realize who you are."

dlr21288 (5:17:25 AM): what if that is who i am though? contemplative? i am lost and i hope to find myself

lysenergy (5:17:58 AM): have you played world of warcraft? or seen it?

dlr21288 (5:18:13 AM): yes i have

lysenergy (5:18:31 AM): life is a game and wow is the perfect microcosm in world of warcraft. you're given a character and you choose what to do with that character based on your will. you can sit around all day thinking about who your character really is and you won't get anything done and you'll never reach a conclusion because your character isn't anyone. its a vessel of consciousness. its a tool. there is no permanent self, its constantly changing.

dlr21288 (5:20:18 AM): but there is an end result? at the end of wow?

lysenergy (5:20:31 AM): there is no end to wow. that's how they make their money. in all my experience in this sort of thing, i can say that there are no real rules or laws to this world there are no truths; everything is subjective.

lysenergy (5:21:41 AM): all i can say is do what you want, follow your will, see where it takes you. become one with your will. learn who you are by allowing yourself to be yourself. don't try to figure out who you are like its some riddle.

dlr21288 (5:22:42 AM): can we see who we are via pictures of ourselves?

lysenergy (5:22:52 AM): that's assuming you are your body

dlr21288 (5:23:27 AM): wait is will like want?

lysenergy (5:23:39 AM): its your drive. whatever motivates you. whatever you feel like doing.
dlr21288 (5:24:17 AM): is that different than desire and pleasure?

lysenergy (5:24:54 AM): i may have the urge to shave my head; that is my will. i can defy my will and be like, "no you shouldn't do that; you'd look bad" i can fight with myself and my own will or i can embrace my will and just do it.

dlr21288 (5:25:31 AM): but what about brash decisions?

lysenergy (5:26:20 AM): if it feels right. life is simple. life is the most simple thing you could ever imagine. don't make it complicated for yourself. why even think about who you are? you are who you are.

dlr21288 (5:28:09 AM): i don't even need to know who i am. i just am. i am happy, thankful

lysenergy (5:28:35 AM): exactly. be simple. just be. i am or if you want to go further down the rabbit hole. be i am not.

dlr21288 (5:29:18 AM): but don't you think that's too much control?

lysenergy (5:29:29 AM): thats no control. control is trying to be something, control is force. be like water.

dlr21288 (5:30:21 AM): i am a river, a waterfall

lysenergy (5:30:28 AM): you are at the top of the mountain and at the shore of the ocean at the same time. you are in everything. you resist nothing. if a rock is in your way, you move around it. you do not dwell on the rock or become the rock.

dlr21288 (5:31:33 AM): but some parts of who i am are lost to the rock

lysenergy (5:31:44 AM): you are everything

dlr21288 (5:31:47 AM): and there is no changing people is there?

lysenergy (5:32:03 AM): everyone changes. everything changes. impermanence

dlr21288 (5:32:10 AM): i can only be myself and they can only be themselves

lysenergy (5:32:23 AM): but who are they and who are you? anyone has to potential to be anything. its all dependant on their will. every man and woman is a star. as aleister crowley says, "you are a body and a mind" and your will moves it, manifests it and makes it what it is. you can always go backwards and become something else.

dlr21288 (5:33:58 AM): we are a paradox. is that what reflection is? going backwards and becoming something else? something better?

lysenergy (5:34:59 AM): what's better? that's subjective

lysenergy (5:35:22 AM): what do you mean by reflection?

dlr21288 (5:35:43 AM): like...when one sits and thinks about their life or an event--reflection

lysenergy (5:35:57 AM): i'd call that schizophrenia or time travel. you exist in this moment. the past is non-existant. the future is non-existant but you always dwell in one or the other, and neither feel good to dwell in. programming. your mind is taught to think a certain way. the moment is where the creativity is. the moment is where the self is

dlr21288 (5:38:20 AM): but there is no self?

lysenergy (5:38:36 AM): let's say you did everything spontaneously; you just reacted. who would be in control?

dlr21288 (5:39:24 AM): your subconscious

lysenergy (5:39:54 AM): thats where creativity comes from. the well. thats what i mean when i say self thats not yours

dlr21288 (5:40:24 AM): the self is the sub conscious

lysenergy (5:40:25 AM): you're not in control of it. it just happens. its almost selfless

dlr21288 (5:40:47 AM): instinctive

lysenergy (5:40:51 AM): yeah

lysenergy (5:41:02 AM): don't try so hard to exist. you exist. you are present in this reality. i am communicating with you. who you are is irrelevant to me; thats all conceptual. we are two points communicating.

dlr21288 (5:41:52 AM): so i don't matter to you?

lysenergy (5:41:57 AM): no. what matters to me is what you do and what you say

dlr21288 (5:42:22 AM): well what does it mean to matter to someone?

lysenergy (5:42:27 AM): you can go on for hours and hours about who you are. what will that
mean to me?

dlr21288 (5:43:46 AM): the things that i wrote before...should they be thrown away because i feel like i've reached a different level of understanding...or should i continue writing at this point with all the i've written?

lysenergy (5:43:58 AM): i'd say don't delete anything. i have a folder called the abyss and i just throw everything in there

dlr21288 (5:44:20 AM): mine is called scribbling thoughts. i guess that's the difference. mine is thought and feeling. are those real? if they are reaction? right?

lysenergy (5:45:07 AM): what's real? i don't know. i can't tell you what's real. you have to decide. i can't tell you anything. you are the god of your world and you make the rules and you set the standards.

dlr21288 (5:46:03 AM): thank you for being here when i needed you the most

lysenergy (5:46:10 AM): no prob

dlr21288 (5:46:14 AM): you always bring me back to what i already know but ignore

dlr21288 (5:46:26 AM): you are my guru!

lysenergy (5:46:30 AM): i would say bottom line. you're alive, you're breathing. i am alive, i am breathing. we're all just mammals that some how learned how to attribute concepts to symbols and have branched off from there. don't get caught up in all the confusion and complexity of society and desire and self. be simple, be natural and you will be happy. life isn't a riddle. it just is. i like milk. i like breasts. i like sleeping on a pillow. i like hot showers on cold days. this is the whole of the law

dlr21288 (5:50:30 AM): the truth is my experience. or is experience and memory skewed?

lysenergy (5:51:19 AM): i can't tell you what anything is. you have to decide for yourself

dlr21288 (5:51:58 AM): i know but i think that's where i get trapped in thought because i have no answer

lysenergy (5:52:05 AM): i can only tell you what i know for me and what has worked for me which is in no way the absolute truth. if you're stuck in a question, i think the best solution is to use the question as the answer. Am I gay? how can I solve this question? eliminate the question. solve it. its been solved. now don't think about it. what's the point? you can think about being gay until you die and it won't change a thing. if you meet someone of the same gender who propositions you and you accept. it just is. even then, why sit around trying to label yourself? you can never be something. you'll always be a contradiction that way because you'll always be the opposite as well on a subconscious level am I a writer? No i'm not a writer! yes i am a writer! its a loop. fuck the question

dlr21288 (5:55:52 AM): a gaping black whole. it's a play on wwooords. get it..whole..hole. void but encompassing all the same

lysenergy (5:57:32 AM):ah, yes the void. i have tried many time to contemplate the void. i would say, its impossible.

dlr21288 (5:57:46 AM): i think it's a big O-the O can symbolize new life or the absence of life

lysenergy (5:58:30 AM): you know whats crazy? between the inhalation and the exhalation of
the breath. there is a gap where you are neither alive or dead. this is what the buddah contemplated for six years just that gap and that is how he reached enlightenment


dlr21288 (5:59:04 AM): that's like time, before the long hand of the clock can can strike 12 the
short hand moves. because in between the life and death, we just are. so crazy thing is that as we are talking about this...it is 5:59 and it turned to 6:00

lysenergy (6:00:43 AM): you know what else is crazy. every day you die. you just knock out and become unconscious and then in the morning, you wake up reborn. your consciousness materializes again

dlr21288 (6:01:28 AM): so when we dream we are dead?

lysenergy (6:02:02 AM): dead in the sense that your consciousness is dead or non existent. you are not in the waking state

lysenergy (6:02:31 AM): you are on a different plane of reality. the unconscious Subconscious<===========>Conscious think about how often you travel between those two. thats trippy shit that's existing in the non-physical realm. we are travelers of dimensions and people would very much like to know where we go so we write what we know. we write for ourselves so that people can know us