I Found Myself in Sierra

SPOP 4: Show Stoppin' Sierra or, secretly, Sierra[r] Breasts!

Staff: I was CP, Sonia, Jayme, Jade, Theresa, Ladi, and Wes as my returner.

This week has been the craziest week for me. I've had SPOP 2, SPOP 3, midterms, SPnorcal, SPOP 4, and finals. I was the CP for Show Stoppin' Sierra; it was an all girl hall. 35 girls. So again, I CPed and this was by far, the scariest moment of my life. I was sooooo nervous and doubted my abilities. I didn't think I was adequate for the position. I kept checking in with the coords and told them I was a failure. I couldn't stay positive; I was tired, and I didn't know my staff very well. Negativity and doubt shrouded my mind. I kept what Omar sent out in my tohughts though. He said, " NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AS A STAFFER! You're here for a reason." It's true, and I wanted to find out what it was. Finding out who I was as a staffer was my biggest challenge.

During CP meeting, we were all like, "FUCK! Hardest group of TFCs! Hardest group ever!" But we were all determined to break 'em doooown! My staff kept me going even when the spoppers didn't seem that into it. Ladi kept such positive energy with her huge smile and optimism; Sonia and Theresa inspired and maintained the energy throughout the entire time; Jayme is that creeping good feeling that pops up and giggles; Jade was so chill and helped us see what having a good ime and being ourselves meant; and Wes kept us laughing and kept me pushing for more. Seriously I could not have done it with any other staffers. It really was meant to be for all of us to staff together. Wes said that we were all so selfless and I can only agree how much of our hearts were into making our Sierrans feel like they belong at UCI. Our drive to empower, inspire, and awe shined through.

The night before, when everyone went to Cha, I was in the RA room talking to Jade and Jesus about life. Kim walks in asking if I had a shower cap. I called Eman, and couldn't get a hold of one. She had holes in her ear drums because of a prolonged ear infection. So I decided to get creative because she couldn't have any water in her ear! I took a ziplock bag, cut it in half the two pieces would each be ziplocked at the top. I taped the open parts so that her ear would fit just right and taped it all around her ear so that no water could get through. Or at least minimal water. During the touch game, Kim thanked me for doing this little thing that meant so much to her. I was telling Calvin earlier this morning that if we put ourcreative energies into something positive, the outcome could be lasting and so much more rewarding. (He was airing out a water bottle to put his blunts in, so they wouldn't get crushed. Ingenious!) Calvin agreed and understood (Gosh I love him!).

At the dance party, this was the first time all the music was in sync and we finally got American Pie to work too. It was ridiculous! Everyone was dancing and all our Sierrans had their diamonds in the sky, dancing together as a group. It felt like a mini EDC simulation. I felt like I was on top of the world just watching everyone have a great time! When we did American Pie, no one got hur we all laughed and were sweaty. Then we said our thank yous to the coords and I could almost cry! Afterward we held hands and ran straight down toward the third level. It was in this dance party momnt that we really syncheda lot of the doubters and show them that UCI can be fun even if it means putting on some music via car speakers and just dancing in the parking lot. Even I felt connected with the hall. We had a mixer with Camino and there were good laughs and I stayed up writing my staff notes and taped them to their shirts.

Anyway, I must say that I feel like we succeeded with most of the ladies. During the touch game, I thought of all the potential my spoppers have to make the world amazing because they are all beautiful and strong women who deserve anything they put their hearts into. Simultaneously my thoughts were consumed by my staff and how beautiful they are for making the magic, bearing their hearts, empowering me, and making my job easier by handling all the different types of girls--the sporty, the spunky, the girly, and the quiet ones. The variety was similar to those random people who ride on roller coasters. for that moment when we finish going through all the loops, dips, and corkscrews, we feel flushed, relieved, and ready to do it again.

This time for the touch game, I sat with the ladies on the ground. Maybe it was the intensity of the emotions, or my weariness, but I could not stop crying. It felt like it did SPOP 3 of last year. It felt like I was challenged to find myself and find the spoppers, and for this first time this year, I felt like I finally staffed the shit out of the hall. I was so vulnerable and came out stronger. I was telling my staff that I was happy we didn't know each other because we weren't overshadowed by any of the other loud staffers. We held it down on our own and blew everyone away!

I don't know how to express the pride I feel to be a woman and to be a part of a program that gives people the confidence and courage to do amazing things. A spopper said to Sonia that her family didn't approve of dancing as a passion, but after she saw Sonia dance, she wants to audition and try out for a team. It's those moments of inspiration that bring us back to where we came from.

I am thankful for the women in my life who inspire me, who push me to be in a better place than they were. Wes said, in the big group discussion, "Every man should be able to staff at least an all girls hall because they will teach you." And it's true. I thank the men in our lives who fight and struggle with the women. Calvin is definitely with me in this struggle for equality and I'm really happy that I have someone who understands that.

So when in the morning when I revealed myself as the CP of Sierra, I said, "Today is the first day of their lives."

And by the end of it, I think I ended up having my entire life changed. I am different walking out of that hall. I am stronger as a staffer and as a woman. The struggles of today are the changes of tomorrow.